(Clearwisdom.net) In 2003, I read an article entitled "Using Dafa is An Unforgivable Sin"[1]. At that time, it did not leave a very deep impression on me. Over the last few days however, because of a culmination of predestined events, I again read the article and was greatly touched.
In the article "Dafa Cannot be Used" from Essentials for Further Advancement I, Teacher said,
"The intention of using Dafa is itself an unforgivable sin. For some of them, however, the human side of their minds is not quite so aware; therefore, I have been observing them all along."
I found that I was willing to search within myself, but this was mingled with thoughts of using the process of searching within so as to satisfy my attachments. Sometimes, I recalled what Teacher said in the Lecture at the First Conference in North America: "Learning the Fa is itself a blessing--why would you lose anything?" As a result of my misunderstanding, I often considered my sufferings in life an injustice; I felt that as a Dafa practitioner, I should be blessed with good fortune, and if others did not treat me well, it was an abnormal phenomena. Therefore, when one is willing to search within, the field should be right. In the process of searching within, I felt that I had already given up a lot and that I should therefore have benefited in some way.
Under certain circumstances, I was unwilling to search within--for example, when I felt that there was no way in which my attachments could "benefit" from it. In one instance, I had the attachment of seeking advancement in my job among ordinary people, but my boss' misunderstanding of Dafa was an obstacle. I searched within and resolved any of my boss' uncertainties about Dafa by clarifying the facts to him. In fact, this was taking advantage of Dafa. I was trying to make the boss feel that I was concerned for my country and my people and was an upright person. He should feel at ease and be assured of promoting a righteous person like me to a higher position. In situations involving people who could not offer me any benefit, I would have been unwilling to look within.
When among fellow practitioners, I would be more willing to search within if I were afraid they were going to notice something degenerate in me. Or, when there were problems in fulfilling certain kinds of work, I was more apt to search within. Sometimes the degree of my searching within was directly proportional to the benefit I could receive.
Sometimes, I would use my ability to coordinate fellow practitioners in doing Fa-rectification work to use those practitioners' attachments in order to impress the practitioners whom I regarded as capable. Thus, I would search within and improve myself to show off that I had cultivated well.
However, if I was around a practitioner that I did not regard as capable or as having some big reputation--one who had not undertaken "important projects"--or when I had a conflict with a practitioner who was not doing coordinator work, I would not be inclined to search within. Basically, I wouldn't look within and improve myself unless there was something to gain at stake or some way to boost my reputation. With "important" projects that met with a lot of pressure and interference from the evil, I would be forced to look within immediately. With projects that weren't so pressing or "important," I regarded it as less important to do so. I believe this is a misunderstanding and an excuse, and I still have a guilty conscience for thinking this way.
Teacher said in the "Lecture at the Western United States Fa Conference in 1999,"
"His heart, so steadfast in Dafa, as solid as a rock, would cause demons to be afraid as soon as they see it, not to mention how they'd be unable to interfere with him. (Applause) Their trying to touch him would be the same as throwing eggs at a rock--they don't dare touch him at all." (Unofficial translation)
Hence, no matter how I look at it, I still have the attachment of making use of Dafa to achieve my "benefit," and I have not really sacrificed. Though one is "assisting Teacher," the heart is still concerned with the loss and gain of the ordinary world: promotion, honor, disgrace and reputation. The attachment is deeply rooted and thus the mentality of "making use of Dafa for one's own benefit" manifests in the ordinary people's world as the attachment to loss and gain.
It is like what Teacher said in "Teaching and Explaining the Fa at the Metropolitan New York Fa Conference,"
"If you hold on to humanness with one hand and won't let go, and you hold on to Buddhahood with the other hand and won't let go, just which one exactly do you want?"
I remember severely criticizing a number of fellow practitioners. Like me, they would hold on to humanness with one hand and not let go, and then they would contemplate to see whether any benefit could be achieved by "searching within" at opportune moments.
When I criticized them, I would say, "You basically just don't want to suffer!
You do not want to suffer, and just think about enjoying good fortune in the human world. After a century of good fortune do you think you'll simply follow Teacher to heaven? You'd be better off cultivating your secondary consciousness! In that cultivation, it is the secondary consciousness that bears the suffering, and you can only enjoy the fortune after it has achieved success in cultivation. Why do you want to suffer by sticking with Dafa practice? You must decide whether you want to really cultivate or not! If you want to, then do it properly!"
When I think about it now, I actually said that for myself. Wasn't my so-called willingness to search within actually just an aspect of my selfishness? Wasn't I, too, trying to hold on to humanness with one hand and Buddhahood with the other?
When I read "Taking Advantage of Dafa is An Unforgivable Sin" again, not only did I see the attachment in my personal cultivation, I realized I must devote my efforts to Fa-rectification work, as it is of foremost importance. If it were not for the Fa-rectification, we would have been annihilated long ago, and there would not have even been a chance for humans to cultivate. Yet at the same time, if we do not place importance on individual cultivation, it will be very difficult for each of us to assist Teacher in Fa-rectification. On the contrary, we could be a hindrance.
The above are my humble understandings. If there is anything inappropriate, please point it out so that it may be corrected.
[1] "Using Dafa is an Unforgivable Sin" available at http://www.clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2003/10/21/41486.html
