(Clearwisdom.net)
In my cultivation and doing truth-clarification, some problems have occurred. As a result, I felt very sad, and stopped what I was doing to study and recite the teachings of Falun Dafa, and looked within myself.
Although I was aware that doing Dafa work is a process of cultivation, unlike an ordinary job, I nonetheless carried this mentality deep in my mind: I always felt like finishing the work at hand before studying the Fa, hoping to catch up with Fa-study later. My thinking was that I am a being created by Dafa and my whole life belongs to Dafa; therefore, nothing harsh, tiresome, or difficult could stop me from doing Dafa work. I was aware that it is important to study the Fa. But sometimes I studied the Fa in a hurry, and my mind was totally occupied with stray thoughts--this thing should be done, and that thing should not be delayed, etc. From morning until night, I did not have much time to study the Fa. Doing things became my first priority, and studying the Fa was secondary. Consequently, the old forces took advantage. The bad substances and human elements within me were enhanced. I spent more time on work and achieved less, leaving lots of loopholes. I also felt very anxious.
In fact, I have misplaced the most important thing in cultivation, which is a specific manifestation of my attachment to doing things. I was doing things with a human mentality rather than doing Dafa work as a Dafa disciple. The expansion of my attachment to doing things led to increased attachments to personal interests and selfishness. As a result, I wasn't in line with the principles of Falun Dafa and was off the path of cultivation during the Fa-rectification period.
Since I could not study the Fa and cultivate myself solidly, and since I viewed the things I did in the human world as something more important, I was unable to attain a genuine understanding of Fa-rectification cultivation. As a result I couldn't maintain my character during conflicts. Emotion overshadowed rationality. Although I made up my mind to change after the conflicts, I looked within myself only on the surface level. In conversations, I would always speak of someone else---what they had done. I was, in fact, covering my own attachments, with the intention of showing off. The attachments of competition and jealousy appeared correspondingly.
"Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself" ("Realms" from Essentials for Further Advancement) I did not think of the Fa or what Teacher said regarding why others' conflicts occur in front of us. Consequently, such behavior not only amplified my own attachments, but also added some bad elements and substances to fellow practitioners. It separated the one-body and damaged the image of Dafa disciples.
What I recently realized is that our honored Teacher is saving us and returning us after Consummation to our highest real--a position that we cannot imagine. Whatever happens around us are opportunities that Dafa grants us again and again to purify ourselves. It is the greatest mercy of our Teacher, and our honor as well. I nonetheless pushed away the chances to upgrade myself again and again by "not letting go of those filthy things that you cling to in this filthy world" ("True Cultivation" from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I deeply realize that there are fewer and fewer good chances in Fa-rectification left for us to cultivate ourselves. As the time of the new cosmos nears, I look at myself, and measuring from the Fa, compare myself to the most magnificent, honorable role of "Fa-rectification period Dafa disciple" and the grand mission of offering salvation to all beings that Teacher gives us. What a gap I still feel!
Teacher's great mercy and fellow practitioners' help has made me awaken today. I began to truly attach importance to studying the Fa and started to memorize the Fa according to what Teacher said in "Learning the Fa" from Essentials for Further Advancement, "with the exception of those problems that need an immediate solution."
I first memorized the article "Clearheadedness," which addresses my problems and fundamental attachments. I felt much interference at the beginning and found reciting it difficult. By the time I reached the end of the article I would forget the beginning. It took me two tough days to memorize it. I knew that the harder it was to recite, the more effort I should expend to break through. Now, no matter how busy I am, I learn and recite the Fa before I go on with my work.
I have recited the Fa for only one week but have experienced the power of the Fa. In the past, it would take me a long time to compile a document, and my mind would feel quite cluttered. Recently, I have become very clear-minded and it only takes me a very short time to finish a document.
I used to get very anxious and easily upset when I could not do Dafa work well. And now, in similar situations, Teacher's words in "Clearheadedness" appear in my mind: "While working, your tone of voice, your kindheartedness, and your reasoning can change a person's heart," and "Factors that are to improve your xinxing appear everywhere in your work." I no longer feel frustrated or uneasy.
I know I have only enlightened to a tiny bit in writing this article. My purpose is, on the one hand, to remind myself to persist in reciting the Fa, and on the other hand, to let fellow practitioners who have the same attachments I had, especially those who are doing Dafa work, know that we should attach importance to Fa study and should never overlook it. As Teacher said, "Pay attention: no matter how busy you are, you cannot neglect Fa-study. This is what fundamentally assures that you move toward Consummation and do Dafa work well." ("To All Students at the Nordic Fa Conference"); "If you study the Fa more, you will not do a bad job in your work." ("Clearheadedness").
