(Clearwisdom.net)
I have come to some understandings through my tribulations with my family. I write this in the hope that it will be helpful to fellow practitioners who are also currently experiencing tribulations within their families.
1. How Exactly Should a Cultivator Handle Family Tribulations?
My journey in cultivation has involved many tests with my family. In the very beginning, I was detained for appealing for Falun Gong to the authorities. That was a very big tribulation for me. I advised my husband on how to be a good person, but he would always respond, "I'm no longer able to communicate with you because you're at such a high realm" or something to that effect. He expressed that he intended to split up with me. He asked me, "Are you going to choose me or Falun Gong?" This is actually like a man asking his wife, "Are you going to choose me or God?" I told him straightforwardly, "When a Catholic woman has a kind heart and follows the Bible to be a good wife, her husband will only be happy for that and he will definitely not ask her to choose between him and God. Falun Dafa is something that I will never give up, but neither would I leave you. The choices here are not mutually exclusive. But if one day you decide that you no longer want to be with me, then I won't blame you or hate you for it. But personally, that's not what I would choose."
Failing to persuade me, whenever he argued with me, he would repeatedly use words that were disrespectful to Dafa. I remember being very upset at the time, yet I also had to stop his behavior. So, I pointed out to him how his thoughts were unkind. I told him, "You know the role that Falun Dafa plays in my heart. I'm your wife, so you should respect me. This is a prerequisite for you and I to be able to continue living together. In order to live with me, you must respect my beliefs. This is your responsibility!" I didn't have a clear understanding of the Fa-principles at that time. I could only use temperament, tears and harsh words to stop him. Indeed, after that he no longer dared to say anything disrespectful about Dafa.
Although I firmly stuck to my convictions and even though we confronted each other like two missiles aimed at one another in a stalemate, my experience is that this actually worked better than always making concessions in order to resolve conflicts. As another example, I had always been yielding and obedient to my parents, but now this pattern had prevented me from being able to explain the facts to them for quite a while. One time, in front of company, my mother made degrading remarks about some fellow practitioners who had made appeals for Falun Gong. I was not my usual self and unleashed my anger on her. I immediately refuted her comments. She in turn dared not to say anything in response and ever since then she has been very careful not to say anything bad directly to me. I did not understand the Fa-principles very deeply at that time and I was puzzled by one issue: Why is it that anger, an everyday human kind of response, seems more effective than a cultivator's way? At the time I was trying my best to let go of my attachment to sentiment and affection so that I could become more truly compassionate. I then realized that I cared more about how my xinxing looked externally than on safeguarding Dafa and I also laid emphasis more on cultivating away my attachment to affection rather than on safeguarding Dafa. How then could I be able to eliminate demonic tribulations?
2. When Personal Cultivation is Correctly Handled in Relation to Safeguarding the Fa, the Principles at the Level of Everyday Society Can Resolve a Lot of Problems
In treating family members who are non-practitioners, a cultivator should try his best to require of himself a high standard--this is truly necessary. However, this "high standard" is achieved naturally through assimilating to the Fa by studying the Fa and by safeguarding the Fa with a pure heart and clean intentions. When dealing with a specific issue, if you place "safeguarding the Fa" behind your own "high standard" and you keep enduring with tears in your eyes, and you call it "harmonization", and you say that it is "for fear that he/she would be more resistant to Dafa", then you not only have failed to truly safeguard the Fa, you have actually also fueled people's arrogance and aggressiveness, which sometimes will make them commit more karma. A cultivator gains harmony in his family because he has obtained the Fa; but maintaining harmony in the family does not mean that you have to always compromise with others. Because of others' selfishness, it is inevitable that you do not always agree all the time.
Therefore, when I face conflicts, I always try to remember as much as possible to safeguard the Fa righteously and eloquently--this is the first priority. If my husband is not able to respect my beliefs, he also does not respect my intelligence nor does he respect who I am. So I would have justification to tell him: "I can no longer live like this anymore." The same idea applies to other family members. It is with decency and respect that love can emerge. If one doesn't have genuine respect for the Fa because he doesn't believe in Gods or Buddha's, then let him learn to respect his family members first--this is the principle at their level. Using just this principle is sufficient to shatter his opportunity to commit karma by making outrageous remarks.
3. As Long As Your Mind is Aligned with the Fa, You Can Break Through All Boundaries
In terms of everyday life issues, we can endure them however we endure them--it is alright. However, when it comes to issues pertaining to Dafa, which are closely and deeply related to all of humanity, we should not give even an inch. If you are not at fault, you should not be afraid to directly confront your family members. You must reason with them in a gentle yet righteous and eloquent manner. Your spouse will naturally feel that you are serious so he will take this issue seriously. From my personal experience as a cultivator, I can say that this has worked as long as I remained unaffected. But if my mind is moved, I end up fighting with my family members every time.
4. Clearly See Through the Truth of People's Karmic Relationships - Resolve Conflicts Benevolently
As cultivators who have risen above and beyond everyday society's principles, we should study the Fa more, and we should look at people's karmic relationships from the Fa's perspective. We should truly be able to remain unaffected in our minds.
People commonly believe that when it comes to a married couple, there is no issue of "reasoning", but instead, the issue between a husband and a wife is "affection". This can be considered to be a principle at the level of everyday society. As a matter of fact, it actually conforms to the principle of the Fa at this level. With people's limited and disorderly thoughts, how could they understand the principles of higher levels?
If they are not being reasonable and you are in a state where you can stay unmoved, you can begin by using human sentiments to require that they learn to respect their own family members' choice to cultivate. Under the appropriate conditions, you can influence them with your own conduct and let them feel the "goodness" of a cultivator. This "goodness" is different from the goodness of doing laundry, cooking and taking care of household chores. For example, when my husband or my parents encounter difficulties in their lives, I comfort them and help them enlighten to higher-level principles. I do it naturally, easily and convincingly. As cultivators, our minds are clear and clean, and we are usually able to feel other people's states of mind and sense their intricate mind activities. And because we are honest and kind, people especially feel a sense of warmth and empathy when relating to us.
When a cultivator's mind remains unaffected, she in fact can easily see a person's attachments and weaknesses. Therefore, when a conflict occurs, a cultivator can use sincerity and kindness to directly point out the person's hidden mentalities, and thus have a restraining effect on the person's emotional weakness. He will then forget his so-called principles and grievances. As a cultivator whether you put on a smiling face or an angry face, you need to remember to calmly send forth righteous thoughts. When facing family members, you need to remember to clearly see beyond the human world's karmic relationships and use the Fa-principles to restrain things with benevolence.
All people have a knowing side. Don't think that others do not feel the state of your heart. They may not be fully conscious of it, but its influence is direct if not obvious. Explaining the facts is one aspect, and it is a very important aspect, however, if you are able to maintain a compassionate mind and at the same time not be restrained by lower-level principles, you will be able to influence and touch people around you with your day-to-day conduct. You will be able to let them experience a cultivator's purity, compassion, wisdom and broadmindedness. Even if they don't fully understand all that, they will admire, respect, and be touched by you.
In the past, in the midst of tribulations I would think, "What's the big deal?! Let's just get a divorce! I'll just let go of it completely." This is actually only "letting go" at a superficial level. A cultivator who is really able to let go doesn't have such a thought. This pessimistic thought emerged because of insufficient righteous faith. After cultivating to a certain level I discovered that people in our dimensional fields are in fact restrained by us. Unfavorable situations persist only as long as we ourselves still live in the delusion of that level and fail to make breakthroughs. If you are no longer affected and he is no longer in your life then it's probably that you have reached the end of your karmic relationship, and it won't be painful. But this kind of situation is extremely rare.
5. Clearly See Through the Truth at This Level - Be Considerate To Your Family Members and Cherish Them
When dealing with our family members, the easiest and most dangerous thing to do is to treat them with and hold them to high standards, as though they were at the same level as we are. As soon as a conflict occurs, we might think: "You should have understood me. How come you couldn't even understand this? Why are you so selfish?" and so on. We often bowl them over with lofty principles. This is no different than how people quarrel.
People are simply selfish and most of them don't understand cultivators--this is how it is at their level. When you are able to clearly see through this as a cultivator, you will become compassionate to them and will help them and benevolently influence them, and you won't get mad at them or force them to do things. There was a period of time when I was reluctant to contact or call my family members, especially those who didn't believe in or contradicted Dafa. I felt as though I didn't have anything to talk about with them. On the surface it appeared that I was less attached to sentiment, yet in actuality there were some un-removed attachments that were obstructing me. When my attachment to sentiment had really weakened, I then discovered that a cultivator with a pure and clean mind would truly be able to feel and understand ordinary people's delusion and difficulties from their perspectives. This was not forced upon me, and I understood it so naturally. Most importantly, when it comes to our family members' love and attachment to us, being pure and clean cultivators, we would understand their suffering and we would try our best to be compassionate to them and cherish them.
As a cultivator when you go beyond a certain level, you will treat your family members similarly to how you treat children. Being at a level beyond childrens' level, you know what is truly good for them. To cherish them is to love them. To cherish them is to benevolently coax them. To cherish them is also to teach them well. Children know that the things you do are the best for them, so even after they are spanked they will still be fondly attached to you. On the contrary, if you put aside the principles that are good for children and you just use "kindness" with tears, and you shrink back and endure passively when you deal with children's mistakes, you will just end up ruining them. Humans' principles are numerous, disorderly and forever changing. Joy, anger, sorrow, delight, love, hate and sentiment are all capable of restraining humans, and it all depends on how a cultivator can use them. Explaining the principles to people and advising them to be good is just one aspect.
6. Clearly See Through the Truth of the Evil's Interference; Do Not Resent and Hate Them, Treat Your Family Members with Righteous Thoughts and Compassion
Sometimes the tribulation with our families is enormous and it directly affects our progress in catching up with the process of Fa-rectification. If we keep a righteous mind and if we handle things properly, things might pass very quickly. If we fail to keep a righteous mind and fail to handle things properly, even trivial things will turn into tremendous obstacles. People are controlled by beings at higher levels so when they get into a rage and start acting irrationally or crazily, they are actually being utilized by evil beings who magnify their bad and dark mentalities such that they sin against Dafa, such that the evil are able to achieve their goal of controlling cultivators. Most people don't see this, but cultivators can. When faced with demonic tribulations, if a cultivator fails to clearly see through this from the perspective of the Fa and if he fails to use righteous thoughts and appropriate human-level principles to harmoniously resolve his problem, he will easily be led to fall for this kind of persecution.
I recall that my family members once beat me for appealing to the authorities for Falun Gong. When I went abroad, I was even scorned for participating in Fa-rectification activities. All my life, I had been accustomed to a soft and pampered life-style and had never been mistreated like this before. I locked myself in a room and cried so hard it was as though the sky and the earth had turned dark on me. I felt that I would rather not deal with these people anymore and just let them do whatever they wanted. It was after I thought about how Teacher had saved us that I was able to painstakingly pass this test. It is crucially important for a cultivator to truly and surely let go of his attachments. Even though you want to save people, you still have to let go of your attachments.
So I enlightened to this: When it comes to any family tribulation, no matter how harsh it is, you have to rise above and beyond the immediate suffering and clearly see that everything before you is targeted at cultivation and the Fa-rectification. No matter what measures you take at the superficial level, your mind has to be compassionate to everyone. You should not resent or hate anyone. If there's resentment and hate, look inside your mind and eliminate your own attachments. Even if the suffering cuts to the bone, you have to be resolute in removing the attachment.
In terms of family issues, "harmonization" is important and so is "righteousness." In terms of the Fa, we must give it the highest priority. We should openly and uprightly let our family members understand the wholesome role that Dafa plays in a cultivator's mind. If he dares to blaspheme, don't endure him quietly. If he is not being reasonable, you can stop him on the spot, and advise him to be good by reasoning with him afterwards.
Meanwhile, when a demonic tribulation appears, we must remember to send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate evil beings who hide behind people and control them from other dimensions. Even if you don't see the effect immediately you should persist in doing so. The evil will for sure be gradually diminished with our sending forth righteous thoughts. Eventually, we will certainly break through the evil's interference.
With all these many points, the bottom line is just that our families are good places to cultivate away sentiment and to truly learn to be compassionate. When we look inside ourselves, the pain we face is excruciating, yet we still have to be compassionate and patient with our families, and continue to explain the facts to them in order to save them. At all times, we must be sure to place the Fa first so that we can be in control of taking the initiative.
Everybody's path is different and everybody's personality and way of conducting themselves is different, therefore everybody's tribulations are also different. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter how broad the differences are, there is still some commonality in the Fa-principles.
In closing, I would like to sum up my understandings:
1. Whatever issue we deal with, we should rise above and beyond the present delusion. Remember that we are cultivators. Any demonic tribulation before us at present is targeted at the Fa-rectification process.
2. Remember to send forth righteous thoughts when demonic tribulation comes. Even if we don't see the effect immediately, the evil will surely be gradually diminished as we send forth righteous thoughts. At a certain point, we will certainly break through the evil's control.
3.Work hard to cultivate our minds. Don't hesitate to swallow the pain that is pricking our hearts. Don't shrink back. If you can't chew it well enough then for now just swallow it. When you suffer, think about how Teacher has saved us. Firmly believe in the Fa. Firmly believe that we will break through and ascend to high levels and that we will harmonize everything.
4. Remain unaffected. Treat unreasonable people as though they are children. You can teach them a lesson when it is necessary. Just by having compassion in our minds and carrying righteousness in our conduct, people will be aware of their own unreasonableness. Let them discover this through their own guilty consciences. A cultivator's compassion carries the mighty virtue of the Fa and is used to offer salvation to people. It is not to be taken advantage of by people to generate karma and do evil deeds against cultivators. Crying, laughter, delight and anger appear at the superficial level, whereas righteous thoughts and compassion dwell in our minds.
5. If an person's mind has degenerated so badly and has been fully used by the evil beings, and has had a very bad effect on cultivators' lives, then we should send forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil elements behind him. At the same time, we shouldn't hesitate to resort to this level's methods. We can even call the police or take them to court. At the human level, we should stop him from continuing to commit karma and doing evil deeds toward cultivators. A true cultivator has compassion in his mind and will always accommodate others; he handles things with righteous principles; he has no complaints or hatred in his mind; he will not handle things poorly. When we reach this state, we can use the human world's principles at will; however, our minds must be on the Fa and we must be unaffected by superficial phenomena--this is of the utmost importance.
The above are the things that I have enlightened to at my current level of cultivation. I write it with the hope of inspiring everyone. Please keep what is good and set aside what is not good, and please correct anything inappropriate.
