Deep Down in My Heart, I Wish to Get Closer and Closer to "Truth, Compassion, and Forbearance"

Greetings, venerable Master; greetings, fellow practitioners:

Looking back at my four years of cultivation, I deeply realize the significance of studying the Fa and reading the book. When I read Zhuan Falun for the first time, I only thought its content was quite interesting. The examples cited in the book often made me laugh aloud. I remember when I came across the sentence "If I cannot save you, nobody else can" in Zhuan Falun. Although at that time, I did not understand what "save" meant, inside I was thinking, "I definitely don't want to be the one that cannot be saved." When I was about to tell other people the examples in the book, I realized I could not even remember a word of them. I was very surprised. I could only go back to the book and started reading from the first page again.

At that time, I did not understand what it meant to "study the Fa." The reason for reading the book over and over again was because the content was so interesting. I wanted to remember everything I read. But for some reason, I couldn't remember any of it. Sometimes, I didn't even remember the sectional title after turning just three or four pages. Another reason was, I noticed that if I did not read Zhuan Falun for that day before I went to bed, it would make me feel just as if I had done something wrong. I would be very uncomfortable about it. It was because of these two reasons that I kept reading the book. In the process of repeatedly reading the book, I felt the changes in my xinxing level. A few months after I attained the Fa, I understood that "cultivation" is the first priority for me in this life. I am willing to give up any attachments for cultivation.

In the New York experience sharing conference in March 1998, Master talked to us about "the importance of studying the Fa." When I heard Master say, "As long as you study the Fa earnestly, you can overcome any difficulty" (Lecture at the First Conference in North America), my tears rolled down my face immediately. Master used the word "overcome." I realized how well Master knew about the hardships that practitioners were going through and the practitioners' mettle and steadfastness after overcoming numerous dangers and hazards. These words of Master's have deeply penetrated my heart since then. Whenever I got hung up on something, I knew I could conquer it and get rid of my attachments as long as I studied the Fa.

One day, after 7.20 in 1999, I received a phone call from a relative in China. She tried to persuade me to not get too enthusiastic about Falun Gong, and asked me to be calm about it. I did not know how to answer her at that moment. I thought, "It was never because I was hotheaded that I started practicing Falun Gong. I have been very calm all the time." Then she went on to say, "I am not practicing anymore." At that time, I thought she said that to cover herself in case there was someone listening to our phone conversation or people walking around her. So, I didn't pay attention to that. After a few more sentences, she emphasized again, "I am not practicing anymore." When I realized that she had really given up on cultivation, this news was so shocking to me that it was like a whack on my head, and I didn't know how to react. I did not hear what she said after that.

She was the first one that had attained the Fa among all my relatives and used to be an assistant. I always thought that: Since Master started introducing the Fa to the public in China in 1992, and she did not attain the Fa until 1996, yet she was able to become an assistant, it must have been because she had very good xinxing. In addition, she also went to appeal on April 25^th. How could she have given up the practice?

Very naturally, I thought of myself. "Do I still want to practice?" I recalled one night when I was watching a Chinese TV program at a practitioner's home; the program was in the Cantonese dialect. Strangely enough, although I usually did not understand Cantonese, I was able to understand every single word in that program that slandered Dafa and teacher. Different questions popped up in my mind, "How come Master's family still went to see doctors? Does Master's family not practice?" Then I thought, "As long as it was not Master that went to see doctors." Although this was a reason, I could not use this to convince myself. Then I started thinking, "So, do I still want to practice?" I did not find the answer. That day, I did not read the book.

The second day, on the way to work, I asked myself, "What am I going to do if I do not practice cultivation?" Go back to being an ordinary person again? But I have already gotten rid of the attachments to the things that I enjoyed doing when I was an ordinary person. Then I asked myself, "If you don't practice cultivation, and the attachment of being an ordinary person is also gone as a result of cultivation, won't you regret it?" I thought about it for a while, then said, "I won't regret it." Everyday of my life had been so fulfilling and happy since I attained the Fa. "Was it wrong, trying to be a good person?" "No." "Was Master's teaching of truth, compassion and forbearance wrong?" "No." I asked myself many questions. I also answered all of my own questions. Then, in my heart, I said to myself word by word, "I choose to practice cultivation." I asked myself another question, "What if my husband does not want to practice anymore and all my friends and relatives ask me to give up the practice--would I still want to practice?" I felt there was an invisible pressure coming at me. I thought about that for a while, then I answered myself, "I will." Then I thought about the few veteran practitioners that practice with me, "What if they don't want to practice anymore, would I still practice?" "If they decided not to practice anymore, I would still practice." "Do I still want to practice if my coworkers and people in society talk behind my back because I practice Falun Gong?" At this time, I felt that invisible pressure had become heavier. If the attitude that the Chinese government used against Falun Gong were applied in the US, the pressure indeed would be quite enormous. Yet, there is nothing wrong being a good person, and cultivating "truth, compassion, tolerance" is not wrong. I said to myself, "I will use my whole life as proof that I have chosen to practice cultivation."

I know this was a decision made with lots of human notions. If I did not study the Fa firmly, who's to say that one day something wouldn't come along that would swing my determination in cultivation. Only by studying the Fa and understanding the Fa can my determination in cultivation become steadfast. Since then, I earnestly read three to four lectures everyday. One day, I suddenly realized that, "Even though I have no way of knowing whether or not the story shown on the TV program was real, I know the fact that I totally recovered from my gastric disease after I started practicing. I had attended so many conferences, but I never had to pay a penny. All the money I spent was on buying books, audiocassettes and videotapes. I wanted to buy those myself." When I thought about my own changes and the changes I saw in the practitioners around me, I was not puzzled by the lies in the TV programs anymore. My heart felt so much lighter and relaxed. At the same time, I was shocked by the fact that a government was lying to and fooling its own people.

One day, as I was walking home after work, all of a sudden I saw how firm my heart was about cultivation. What is more is that this determination came from the deepest part in my heart. The solidity of a rock is not even enough to describe my steadfastness toward Dafa. I could not help thinking about the seriousness of what was happening in China, and I still did not know what to do, but I did know that my determination in Dafa was what the evil feared most. I sensed that the evil wanted to weaken practitioners' determination in cultivation so that they could extinguish Dafa on this earth. However, this plot of theirs has been shattered because they could not waver my determination in cultivation. I am not afraid of them making fabrications. I would tell every one around me the benefits I gained from practicing Dafa. As long as people came to learn, they would know the benefits of practicing Dafa. They would tell ten people, these ten people would tell a hundred other people, and the hundred people would tell even more people. At that time I thought about the phrase, "a few sparks can turn into a big fire." It was like those bad beings were looking at me from high above, but none of them dared getting close to me.

I only had a few special experiences or deep feelings since I started practicing; however, each one of them was so vivid and they were all embedded in my heart. March 23, 1997 was the day that I saw Master for the first time and the day that I started practicing cultivation. I heard Master say (not the exact words), "as long as you practice Master will take care of you." At that time, I envied those people who practiced Falun Gong very much because they had Master taking care them, although at that time I did not understand the connotation of "taking care." I thought, "It's pity that I haven't decided to learn Falun Dafa. If I decided to learn in the future, will Master take care of me?" At this moment, I heard Master's words in my ears that went something like "You said you have not decided to learn yet. If you decide to learn in the future, I will look after you." All of a sudden, my eyes were full of tears. I was touched because I could feel that someone was truly caring about me. Later I understood that this was "benevolence."

The mainstream society started to pay attention to the Falun Gong issue. Yet, it is still at the stage that most of the media reports are copying what the Chinese government-control media is reporting. It still lacks a true understanding of Falun Gong. One day during my lunch break, I thought about the instability of this world, the many false media reports about Dafa, then I sensed a vivid wish that came from the very origin of my life: I am willing to sacrifice my life for Dafa. Another day, it was also during lunch break, a true feeling emerged from the bottom of my heart, "After hundreds and thousands of years of aloneness and confusion, I have finally found someone who is so close to me--Master."

July 18^th of last year, after I got home from work, my husband asked me to read an article on the computer screen. I took a glance at the title, "The benevolent and mighty Master." I thought that was just another article by a practitioner extolling Master. I said to myself, "Master's benevolence and greatness are beyond the ordinary people's words of expression." So, I didn't pay too much attention to the article and continued talking with my husband. Then he said, "Why don't you read that article first." I sensed the seriousness in his voice, so I stopped talking with him, sat down and started reading the article. As I was reading, my whole body grew stiff. After I finished reading it, I stared blankly at the computer screen; my mind was totally empty. Everything around me, including all my attachments, seemed to be so far away from me. I did not know how long went by, maybe it was twenty seconds, maybe it was a few minutes, finally a voice appeared in my mind: "What did they do to Master? Master's hair was all white. What have they done to Master that his hair all turned white?" Since July 1999, I knew it has been a big test for all of us. I could understand why Master didn't say anything. But what I didn't think of was what Master had to bear. Although I knew that I would never understand what Master had to bear for us, I was thinking repeatedly the question of "What have they done to Master?" A feeling that I had never had before came forth in my heart. I did not know how to describe that feeling. Slowly, I thought of the phrase, "Tears are already dried up when wanting to cry."

I printed out this article and posted it with great respect on the wall in my office. Whenever I became unhappy because of some hang-ups, I would remind myself to read this article again. As I thought about our great and benevolent teacher, there was nothing worthwhile to be attached to.

Indeed, if we think about what Master has done for us, those little personal attachments are not hard to get rid of at all. An incident that happened early this year again helped me to get rid of some of my small attachments.

At the end of last year, New York government officials gave many proclamations and awards to Falun Dafa. Practitioners in the Manhattan and Queens areas organized small-scale appreciation events in both the beginning of December and mid December respectively, to thank the local officials for their support of Dafa and practitioners. The two successful events made all of us think that we should organize a more formal event and invite all the New York local government officials to attend. Then, we decided to invite these officials to celebrate the Chinese New Year with us together and we chose to host the event on the day of the New Year. The purpose was twofold. One was to appreciate their support and the other was to provide them an opportunity to have a personal contact with the practitioners, to allow them have a deeper understanding of Dafa.

Around mid December after a group study, I suggested that we should start preparing for the party. A week later, nothing happened. I mentioned about setting the schedule, choosing the location and preparing invitation cards again. A practitioner said to me "Why don't you take charge of that then." "What?" I drew a big question mark and exclamation mark in my heart. I had never thought about this because I thought practitioners from the Association should organize such an important party. A minute ago, I was talking so loud, but now I became very quiet. I did not know how someone like myself, who could not even recognize the President and the First Lady on TV, could organize and prepare a party for government officials. Plus, I never had any experience in doing this. I only knew that I needed to send out the invitation letters early. I had no idea what to do after that.

In the end, we decided that since the location of the event was going to be in Queens, I and two other Queens practitioners would be responsible for organizing it. After learning that there would be other people working together with me, I felt much more relieved. However, a few days later, I found out that one practitioner had to go back to China to visit her family for a month and the other practitioner was going to Taiwan for the experience sharing conference.

One day, after the group study, a practitioner said, "Because January 20^th is US President's inauguration speech day, all government officials would attend, and they would also probably stay in DC for at least two to three days. As a result, they probably would not be able to make it to our party on the 24^th. When I heard, "they would not be able to make it to our party," my heart started beating faster right away. All practitioners worked together in the following days. A designer practitioner designed the invitations and another practitioner who knew the printers had the invitation cards printed, and I called the hotel to change the date of the event.

After all the work, we finally decided on the time and printed all the invitations. After the invitations were mailed out, we talked about how to prepare for other things. A western practitioner who was familiar with the government structure told us "If we wanted to invite government officials, we need to let them know six months beforehand. Even so, it was still not easy to ask them to come to the event. Now, since the practitioners wanted to organize an event to invite these government officials, we've already sent out the invitations..." As I was hearing this, my heart started to beat faster again. "Six months?" I thought sending out the invitations a month ahead was already more than good enough." I felt I was like the monkey king making a mess in the heavenly palace, someone who did not know about the proper procedures, and creating troubles. I did not dare look at that practitioner and I also avoided a few other practitioners' eyes. Inside I was thinking, "Oh no, if only a few officials showed up and the rest of the ninety people were practitioners, then, the money spent on this would definitely not be worth it. Practitioners had earned this money by working so hard. I felt so guilty. I started to think that I should not have encouraged them to organize this event. But now the invitations had already gone out. We had no other way out.

Over the next few weeks, I often thought, "what if no one comes?" I was actually not worried that no guests would joing us. If they didn't come then we could use other means to clarify the truth. But if no guests showed up and it was only going to be a dinner for all practitioners, wasn't that a waste of the money that practitioners had worked so hard for? I would feel so sorry about that.

Actually, at that time, nobody was sure about whether or not this way of clarifying the truth was right. We discussed this over the phone, encouraged each other and used the Fa to measure our conduct...

In short, the event was very successful. Even the hotel staff people, who had been preparing different types of events day in and day out, praised us, saying, "It was very good. It was very good."

Such success was the result of everybody's effort. A practitioner even went to buy a book on how to organize parties. It was our first time organizing such an event. We stumbled. We overcame the difficulties, handled the troubles and shared the happiness together. We worked together hand in hand to do best the part that each one of us was responsible for. When putting all the pieces together, it was a whole. It was perfect.

Stepping out the hotel door, staring at the stars in the deep blue sky, I took a deep breath, and I felt the fresh and chilly air of the early spring. Suddenly, I realized that on one hand, the different feelings I had over the past month or so was part of my cultivation, yet on the other hand, for all those people who had not attained the Fa and for those kind-hearted people and the public, the things that I had to bear were all worth it.

I remember during experience sharing conferences, we often heard practitioners say that the purpose of cultivating was either to return to our true selves, to "go home" or to reach consummation. One time, I asked myself this question that I had never thoroughly thought about before. Why did I practice cultivation? I realized, although I knew cultivation could help one return to his true self, could help someone "go home" and could also help one reach consummation, that these were still not all the real reasons why I practiced cultivation. "Then what exactly was the reason I practiced cultivation?" I asked myself. After thinking for a while, I found the real reason why I wanted to cultivate: I am not afraid of the hardships that I need to overcome in cultivation. I am not afraid of the difficulties I need to deal with. I will to try my best to get rid of all the attachments, because deep down in my heart, I wish to get closer and closer to "truth, compassion, forbearance."