"With Determination and Maturation in Cultivation, Move Towards Magnificent Consummation"

(Shared at 2001 Ottawa Conference)

Greetings Master,

Greetings everyone.

It has been a long time since I last shared an experience, which was in Geneva last year.

Since I started cultivating after the crackdown, at the end of October 1999, I began almost right from the beginning to do things for Dafa, spreading Falun Dafa and letting people know about the evil crackdown in China. At the beginning, I did not know why I did it or even that much about cultivation but I felt it was the right thing to do. Nonetheless, a pattern of "doing things" was established early on, and I continued doing things for Dafa, sometimes even a lot of things! The problem is, I held on to many strong human mentalities while doing this. Among these were very deep attachments of zealotry and showing off, which manifested last summer in a particular disruptive manner, but which I was too blind to see. With such human excitement, I could hardly practice the exercises or read the Fa without endlessly thinking of ideas for promoting the Fa.

These mentalities, and their roots, were so well-hidden to me that when Master's article "Towards Consummation" was published, I read it through a few times and even concluded that I had no fundamental attachments about Dafa, and had just come to practice cultivation. A dangerous and complacent mentality indeed. I thus continued onwards, failing to look inwards at all for these fundamental attachments. In the above article, Master says: "Studying the Fa with any attachments is not genuine cultivation. Yet during the course of cultivation practice a person may gradually become aware of his own fundamental attachments, get rid of them, and thus meet the criteria for being a cultivator."

Due to my passivity in searching within to find these fundamental problems, a severe tribulation arose, and as I had not discovered or discarded my fundamental attachments, I was unable to deal with it with high standards and a clear mind.

In May 2000 I had married my long-time girlfriend, but by the summer's end my human heart was devastated: the marriage was all of a sudden jeopardized and it seemed that in all likelihood she was going to divorce me. Unfortunately, I did not handle myself well in this tribulation.

I immediately looked outwards, blaming others with a grieved and painful, selfish heart. I clung to the attachments that it seemed I was meant to discard namely, love between a man and a woman, sexuality and desires, my "beautiful dreams and wishes" for a family, etc. Worse even, with these attachments, my so-called "looking inwards" was not pure, and though I superficially recognized the now-exposed show-off mentality and zealotry which I had actually needed another practitioner to point out to me I concluded that I had gone to "extremes" in going out to promote Dafa and reveal the situation in China. With an unclear mind, I thus fell into a big trap, and concluded that I needed to stay at home more and "balance" things better. This was in fact and evil enlightenment, one based on safeguarding the heart I should have been discarding the old things rather than protecting Dafa. With this mindset, I was trying to find outside solutions to resolve the problem I was facing in order to have things go back the way they were before, the way that my attached human mentality wanted things. Master says in Zhuan Falun (Lecture 9, Clear and Clean Mind): "In qigong practice, however, going awry and following an evil way simply refer to people searching for external help."

During this period I read the book and practiced, but experienced very strong interference: endless self-centered thoughts about the situation I was in, painful emotions, even bursting into tears and sobs while practicing. I also continued to look outwards, continually trying to get other practitioners to "enlighten" me what to do. I had seemingly turned my back on the very Fa that could save me. I was doing everything but cultivating my inner self, endlessly looking for ways out. I did just as badly as if I were one in a labor camp in China who signed the letter renouncing Dafa cultivation practice; I was letting the wicked forces take me away. I participated less and less in the group study and practice environment, drifting yet further away from the current of Fa-rectification.

Finally, in September, many practitioners were going to New York for the experience-sharing conference and the UN meeting, where Jiang Zemin himself was going to be. I used the Fa to create excuses of "not going to extremes," "considering others first," "conforming to everyday people," "classes starting," yet they were all plagiarizing the Fa, and all deviated understandings and I stayed home. I missed the conference. On the first day of classes, I went to school to find the class empty. I went to the library computers to read the Clearwisdom website; as I was reading an article, I suddenly realized strongly that I needed to go to New York, no matter what. I immediately made plans to travel overnight with another practitioner. I put on a suit, packed my bag, and headed off in the right direction.

Once there, I awakened somewhat due to the powerful energy field of so many practitioners and pure environment, and remembered why I was here in this life: to assist in the Fa-rectification. I might add here a note that I had often felt more clearheaded and so-called "determined" at conferences and group studies due to the environment, but upon leaving, my resolve would gradually weaken once again when I was back at home among ordinary human society; I realize now that it was because I was relying on external factors. Master says in "Cautionary Advice": "In practicing cultivation, you are not making real, solid progress on your own, which would effect great, fundamental changes internally. Instead, you rely on my power and take advantage of powerful external factors. This can never transform your human nature into Buddha-nature. If every one of you can understand the Fa from the depths of your mind, that will truly be the manifestation of the Fa whose power knows no boundary--the reappearance of the mighty Buddha Fa in the human world!"

This even applied to Fa-study: I would read the book when unclear or troubled, and gradually my mind would become calm again; I now know that this is the power of the Fa. But I was using the Fa to, in a sense cure my "illness" of being non-clear-headed, rather than searching inside for the reason I was unclear, getting rid of it, calming down, and then resuming Fa study. I now do it this way, and find it to be the best way for me to study Fa, and now better use my time for Fa-study. Master said: "When your mind isn't at peace, studying the Fa is not effective. You should study it with a peaceful mind." ("A Heavy Blow")

Now, back to what I was doing in New York in September. I was still troubled by my mind, and endlessly asking others to help me solve the problem. I might add here that all along, all true practitioners I had spoken to had only been affirming what I knew and feared deeply in my heart: I had to let the attachments go.

These not only included the sentiments I had for my wife and dreams of a family, but also, I discovered, a deep-rooted attachment to the idea that I should somehow be able to change the lives of others. Yet, in Zhuan Falun, Master even says: "You cannot change the fate of others." In my mind, my notion of doing this had been mixed up with the Fa and was strongly expressed at the time of this tribulation. I kept trying to use the Fa to try to change others; here I was trying to convince my wife of the right path for her to take. Always looking outwards. I tried with human reasoning and the words of the Fa to convince her of what was right and wrong, again and again, but to no avail.

In New York, someone had suggested offering her a 9-days' lecture. I did not want to blatantly misuse Master's Dafa, and as I was starting to become aware of the attachment I just mentioned, I did not do anything right away. Gradually, I realized on my own that I had to give everything up, let her go in my heart, let go of all the "beautiful dreams and wishes" and continue on the path of Dafa. I recalled that I had already made my choice to step forward or not countless ages ago, and thus there should be no more hesitation in my heart.

I strengthened my resolve, let these things go as much as possible, and let her know it as well. This was when I saw, perhaps for the first time, the mighty power of the Fa to rectify everything, and our connection with it in this special period of time. Having let go of the sentimentality and the desperate hope to save my marriage, I then had nothing but Zhen Shan Ren left in my heart. I thus offered her the chance to do a 9-days' lecture together at home; she agreed. I then did not mention it again, as I did not want to coerce or drag anyone to learn the Fa. However, she soon reminded me of it, and we watched Master's lectures for 9 days.

Afterwards, everything harmonized. I had spent 2 months languishing in tribulation; 2 months of not making up my mind as to whether or not let go of my attachments and genuinely cultivate; 2 months of fundamentally wavering in my determination. However, I finally made the upright choice in a single moment, discarded the attachments and took the righteous path, and within 2 weeks my family returned to an even greater harmony, I returned to the cultivation environment, I caught back up with the Fa-rectification, and my wife has even become a determined and genuine Dafa cultivator.

Nonetheless, I did not handle myself well in that tribulation. In addition, in particular with regards to the demons of lust and laziness in my cultivation practice, I have passively endured and allowed them to exploit the Fa through my own lack of diligence. The same goes for the evil thought-karma attacks.

Master mentions in the article "Expounding on the Fa": "Under the influence of such a notion you think that all these tribulations are inevitable and this is just the way it is, thereby developing a passive and pessimistic attitude." I now realize that many of these difficulties did not necessarily have to persist so long or even occur at all. Had I put more effort into looking inwards and searching out my fundamental attachments and strengthened my determination to eliminate the thought-karma and destroy the demons, I could more quickly break through the old forces' arrangements.

Master said: "Later on, through reading the books, studying the Fa, and diligently making progress, you should clearly recognize what your notions were when you initially came to Dafa" ("Towards Consummation")

At this point, I have become clearly aware of and mostly eliminated certain fundamental attachments that I came to Dafa with. One of these, as I just mentioned, was a notion that I could, or somehow should be able to, change others' fates. Later, going deeper, I found that this was rooted in a dangerous mentality imparted to me by the words of certain so-called "high-level beings" that had been passed to me before I learned Dafa. Namely, this was that I was someone very special, that I was a God from another universe, and that I had some special mission to fulfil here, although I did not know what it was. I thought there was truth to this awakening, so I had initially set out to find a master in order to raise my levels so I could do what I had been arranged to do. I first came to Dafa carrying this deep in my heart. I had come to use Master's Dafa, to take advantage of it, to do whatever it was I felt I was supposed to do - which I thought I would know when I had reached enlightenment in that school.

This nearly led to demonic interference from my own mind at a certain point in time. Nonetheless, through persistent Fa-study and an ever-increasing determination, I have been able to clearly recognize this deep-rooted deviation, tear it out by the roots and move onwards. Master said: "As a truly-determined practitioner, one is able to endure everything and give up or care less for any attachment in the face of various self-interests. As long as one can do this, it will not be difficult. Those people find it difficult because they cannot let go of these things. Cultivation practice itself is not difficult, and neither is upgrading one's level itself difficult. It is because they cannot give up the human mind that they call it difficult." ("People With Great Inborn Quality," Lecture 9, Zhuan Falun)

Indeed, I now understand that, as a cultivator, I was unable to truly and solidly ascend until I discovered for myself what my fundamental attachments were when I first came to Dafa. Upon discarding them, all the various human attachments and mentalities can then be genuinely rooted out and eliminated. In "For Whom Do You Practice Cultivation?," Master says: "If you are still not fundamentally resolute in the Fa, everything else is out of question."

Now, when the thought-karma surfaces, I use a righteous mind to actively eliminate it, affirming that it is an old and filthy thing that goes against Dafa and is not worthy of existing in a new and pure cosmos. The same right mind can also eliminate and repel many demons: "One righteous mind can subdue one hundred evils." (Zhuan Falun)

I hereby declare null and void all evil elements against Dafa that I have allowed to exist, negate everything I did and said while fundamentally confused, and declare my steadfast and absolute determination in Dafa cultivation practice. I will cultivate solidly, eliminate evil, and forever safeguard the Fa of the cosmos.

I am now genuinely determined, and I know from the depths of my heart that any wavering thought I allow to exist, or any doubt about myself or my ability to cultivate and to find attachments, is actually a doubt about Dafa itself, deeply rooted and hidden. Master says in the article "Environment": "If you are unable to be determined about the Fa itself, you cannot practice cultivation."

I still have attachments left to be eliminated, I still make mistakes; this is to be expected, as I am still practicing cultivation. The difference is that I am now solidifying into a diamond-solid particle of Dafa, and I know firmly with every particle of my True Being that I can now overcome any obstacle set on my path, eliminate any demon that I have to, and truly melt into the process of Fa-rectification.

As time is limited this is all I can say now. I would like to leave everyone with one of Master's poems from Hong Yin. I have not yet taken the time to learn more than the title in the original Chinese, but here is an unofficial translation:

(Deng Tai Shan)

Climbing Mount Tai

á

Climbing high stairs, a path of thousands of feet

Winding and steep, difficult to make another step;

Looking back, as if to watch the cultivation of the righteous Fa,

One can hardly obtain salvation if stopping in mid-air.

With a determined heart, lift the feet with legs weighing thousands of pounds,

Forbearing hardships, striving forward, and discarding attachments;

Dafa disciples, thousands and millions,

Completing Gong and achieving Consummation at high places.

á

Li Hongzhi

April 15, 1996

Thank you Master, thanks everyone.