Coming Out of the Small Self, Walk On the Great Way of Cultivation

My name is Cathy Fen Zhang. I am a practitioner from San Jose. I work in a computer manufacturing company as a tax analyst. During the past nearly three years, I experienced from not knowing Falun Dafa, to understanding Dafa perceptually, to finally understanding Dafa rationally, and to become a determined and genuine practitioner. I deeply feel that Dafa is so extensive and profound, and Teacher is so benevolent. I feel especially fortunate that my benevolent true self was not buried by acquired notions, and I am able to step on the path of cultivating my heart and eliminating my karma under the guidance of the universe principle "Zhen, Shan, Ren" (Truthfulness, Benevolence, Forbearance"), to return to my true self.

In March of 1997, my husband and I heard about Falun Dafa from a friend who we used to practice some other qigong together, and obtained a copy of Zhuan Falun. Upon opening the book, my husband was attracted right away. Since we had only one copy of the book, I just skim through the first couple of chapters of the book once in a while. My impression was that Falun Dafa is very pure and upright. It pointed out that the essence of cultivation practice is to improve xinxing and to seek inside of oneself. Since we promised between us that if we should believe in or practice anything together, my husband told me that he would read through the book first, then we would learn together if he felt it is worthwhile. I was more that happy to count on him since I was lazy anyway. In July, some veteran practitioners arranged a nine-day seminar at our house to watch the Teacher's video lecture in China. Afterwards, a weekly Fa study group was setup at our place. During that period of time, I practiced five sets of exercises with my husband once or twice every weekend in the park. But I was not quite aware of the importance of reading Zhuan Falun and studying the principles. Every week I'd pick up the book to read a few paragraphs in the group study, and then listened to discussion among practitioners. I felt the discussion was pretty interesting, but sometimes felt myself being an outsider. One day in September, my husband told me seriously, that Falun Dafa is truth and he would start to cultivate genuinely. I did not say much but felt a little unsettling. Since I had always been taught to be atheist and was satisfied with the life of a small cozy family, I never really thought about the true meaning and purpose of life. Cultivating Buddha or Tao was too far-fetched to me. Although I felt very comfortable when I practiced the exercises and experienced some cultivation phenomenon explained in Zhuan Falun, and rationally I knew cultivation practice is a good thing to do, my understanding of Dafa was still limited to the most basic level. I did not feel the genuine willingness to cultivate from my heart. However, since my husband was cultivating, I just followed along. He was very enthusiastic about doing voluntary assistance work (such as taking a cassette player to the practice site, hosting the group study, organizing group practice, etc.); I went along to help him. Later on, I felt from husband's talks that I was so far behind him in cultivation. I had a feeling of being left off, but did not know how to catch up. During the period of one and a half years, I kept studying Fa and cultivating my heart, but there seemed to be a piece of wall standing between Dafa and myself. I was lacking the genuine understanding Dafa on a rational basis. Often times I felt I was stuck and could not move forward. I felt that I knew what the problem is, but I did not know how to break through. I was very upset.

Last February, Teacher came to the Experience Sharing Conference in Los Angles. I wrote down three questions for Teacher in the Q&A session. I listened to Teacher's words wholeheartedly. Although Teacher read none of my questions, all of them were answered when Teacher was talking about other issues. When Teacher said, "Actually, in your life, the most important thing is to return to where you come from. That is your biggest wish, and your most precious wish" I couldn't help bursting into tears. I was greatly shaken. The wall in front of me dissipated. A voice cried out from the bottom of my heart, "I want to return to my true origin. And I want to be responsible for myself!" I felt extremely satisfied. I am deeply grateful for the boundless compassion from Teacher when he told me the true meaning of life.

Some of fellow practitioners envy our cultivation environment, because both my husband and I cultivate. In fact, only we ourselves know the hardship and joy in cultivation. I am a person who focused very much on my small home. Especially after I came to the States, the two of us started a small family that I was really proud of, from which I grew a strong selfishness of protecting my family and myself. These attachments are exposed all the time during my cultivation for me to get rid of. My husband was very much into cultivation, but his thinking was a bit extreme in the beginning, which unconsciously opened doors to thought karma. One day after he cultivated for a period of time, he suddenly fell into a state of being severely interfered by thought karma. For a very long period of time, he could not continue his normal exercise, Fa study, daily life, and even his job. I was surprised by the sudden-appearing tribulation. Our not knowing how to view and treat thought karma from stand of point of Fa aggravate the situation. My husband couldn't figure it out. He felt very bitter and it seemed every minute was difficult. I was worried and afraid. I tried to comfort him with all means. I was filled with anxiety but forced myself to give him encouragement. I realized this was his test. I believed that as long as he got into the Fa he would be able to pass. I tried to use what I understand from the Fa to encourage and help him. Since this lasted a long time, and he kept going back and forth, I couldn't take it any more and start losing patience. This added an extra blow to him. I realized that something was wrong with me. In page 149 Zhuan Falun, Teacher said, "Why do you run into these problems? They are all caused by your own karma. We have already eliminated many pieces of it for you, except for that tiny bit which is left and arranged as obstacles in different phases for upgrading your Xinxing, testing your mind, as well as removing your various attachments." My husband's tribulations made me feel so bad. Isn't that also my tribulation then? By studying the Fa, I enlightened to that my problem was my affection, and that this affection was rooted from a selfish mind. Seeing him overwhelmed by the interference, I wholeheartedly wanted to help him to get out of the situation so that we both could avoid the suffering. But I couldn't take it any more when I don't see any improvement, especially when he wasn't kind to me in his bad mood. After all I was still caring about myself. In Zhuan Falun, Teacher told us, "Cultivation practice must take place in tribulations so that you will be tested whether you can give up and care little about different kinds of human sentimentality and desires." Teacher also said, "If you are free from such sentimentality, nobody will be able to affect you. An ordinary person's mind will not be able to sway you. What takes over in place will be benevolence that is something of a higher order." Having understood the principle of Fa, I tried to do according to what I understood. I found that I was a lot more calm and patient when I tried to control my emotion, and acted more rationally, and only wanted to do it for his good but not for my personal gain. The result was a lot better. Once during the morning exercise, my husband couldn't continue his exercise because of the interference and asked me to take him home. But he was gloomy and he didn't want me to accompany him. I controlled my discomfort and didn't worry as before. I was sure that he could pass. After I dropped him off at home and gave him some encouragement, I went back to the exercise site. We were doing the second exercise, "The Falun Standing Stance". I had used to feel hard during this exercise. But this time my arms were very light, so was my entire body. That kind of tranquility and still was too exquisite to be described. After I got home, my husband was already feeling better. During this tribulation, I deeply enlightened that Teacher has been arranging our paths of cultivation, exposing our attachments, dissolving our karma so that we can upgrade our Xinxing. We become firmer while cultivating in tribulation. Our righteous faith on Dafa is also increasing.

Since the Chinese government banned Falun Gong last July, I was moved by the how practitioners in China protect the Fa with great compassion and forbearance one after another. This encouraged me to make more earnest effort in cultivation. On the other hand, there are more and more people hearing about Dafa because of the crackdown by the Chinese government. During this special historical period, as an overseas practitioner, I truly felt that I had the responsibility and obligation to let more people know the Fa and to let predestined ones attain the Fa. This is also our way to uphold the Fa. For me, my spreading Fa is a process to get rid of my attachments. My dependence, fear and selfishness have been exposed again and again during my spreading the Fa so that I can get rid of them.

A while ago, we received invitation to go to Guatemala to teach Falun Dafa exercise. My husband, another practitioner and I went there. We had planned to stay for 4 days. But there were too many people who were interested and they invited us to stay for a 9-day seminar. The fellow practitioner decided to stay. My husband was too busy at work so he must leave on time. But I had 3 more days of vacation time. I was hesitating whether to stay. Shall I leave with my husband as planned and go back to our familiar and comfortable home to study the Fa and practice in ease, since I had already done my share of responsibility? Or shall I stay in this unfamiliar place, face new people that I couldn't smoothly communicate with, and take long-distance bus and then plane to go home alone? For me, who is introverted, and who always backup in front of difficulty, it was very hard to face all these. On the bus going to the Guatemala airport, contradictory thoughts filled my head. Finally my righteous mind won. Teacher once said, "Human Buddha-nature is Shan (benevolent), which manifests itself as benevolent compassion, putting others ahead of oneself, and the capability of enduring suffering." I decided to change my itinerary and stay for 3 more days. When I saw off my husband and headed back to the small town, I was extremely relaxed and calm. The chaotic feeling in my mind was gone. The entire time during my trip to Guatemala to spread the Fa was just a very good cultivation opportunity for me. I found some of my deeply hidden notions that were formed after birth. And I further got rid of my selfishness. I arrived home on the evening of the New Year's Day. Before I went to bed, I felt something indescribable, which had never happened to me. I felt that my body was enlarging into a huge space, and that I was an element of the Dafa.

As the persecution of Dafa in China continues to escalate, our overseas practitioners are feeling more and more connected with the practitioners in China. We participated in different Hufa (upholding Dafa) activities to support the practitioners in China, and to let more people around the world to know about Dafa and learn Dafa. Then the crackdown came abroad. My husband is an assistant and is rather active. His name and phone number are listed on the Internet. He is often shown in TV and newspaper interviews. Some kind-hearted practitioners reminded us to be careful. My fear aroused all in a sudden. I started to be filled with suspicions. One moment I felt the truck parked outside was suspicious. Another moment I would feel that our phone had strange noise and that we may be tapped. For two days I even dared not to talk loudly at home. Sometimes when I was home alone at night I was just terrified. Once when I was interviewed by a reporter in Washington DC, he stopped halfway and asked, "Do you know that this will be broadcast in China. Are you scared?" I said no. But I was indeed perturbed. When my husband took the suggestion to talk to the congressman while wearing a microphone, my first reaction was to oppose it with my best effort. My reasons were that it was inappropriate; it was not polite without the agreement of the congressman. But all the practitioners there disagreed. I got upset when my husband insisted. Later when I calmed down, I found that my fear had reached the extreme. When I enlightened that it was Teacher who exposed my fear, I tried to suppress it, and also try to upgrade my understanding and xinxing through Fa study, I am a cultivator, and any trouble I encounter is not coincident. Wouldn't any hardship be a good thing to me? In case anything happened, wouldn't it be a good opportunity for me to eliminate karma and improve xinxing? On the other hand, it came again my attachment of fear. There are practitioners who said, "If the head is chopped, the body is still in meditation." There is a huge gap comparing to the practitioners who still show their great compassion and forbearance in front of the test of losing everything. I felt so ashamed and determined to treasure this rare cultivation opportunity give up my attachment of fear. Later when our photo was put onto the first page of a newspaper, I felt nothing to fear about. But I know that my attachments were removed layer by layer. There will be more to come out in a while. Only by continuous Fa study and earnest effort, can I pass tribulations with a righteous mind in a down-to-earth way.

The Hongfa (spreading Fa) and Hufa (upholding Fa) in the past year were also my process of real cultivation. I have deeply felt the mighty power of Dafa and the compassion of Teacher. I fell incomparable lucky to be able to cultivate this Cosmic Great Law that is hard to meet in ten thousand years. I feel extremely honored to be able to help Teacher to spread the precious Cosmic Great Law with my little share of contribution. I know I still have lots attachments to give up. I am still far from the requirement of Dafa. I want to treasure this opportunity to cultivate Dafa, and make earnest effort until I succeed as a righteous being of selflessness and altruism. I also hope our fellow practitioners and more predestined people to treasure this great Buddha Law. Let's make earnest effort together until we reach the perfection.