Change of Heart

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chen Zhengxing. I am working at an aircraft engine company in charge of engine certification and airworthiness. Before I attained the Dafa, I always wondered where I was from and where I would be going. I occasionally attended a local Chinese Christian church. I wasnt baptized because I didnt have my answer yet. I also learned some of the Buddhas scriptures from my mother when she came to visit me. She tried to teach me how to rid myself of the attachment of pursuit of fame. I was too absorbed in making a name for myself in my career and wouldnt take her advice seriously.

In June, 1998, predestination knocked on my door. I attended a nine-day seminar with my wife, Te. During the after-class exercises, I felt energy circulating inside my body. In the meantime, I felt strongly that my past religious experiences opened the door for Falun Dafa and I had my answer finally. After the seminar, I hungrily studied all the books and articles I could lay my hands on. However, as a beginner, I only thought it necessary to practice the exercises and failed to recognize the need to study the law. I did not know that the fundamental reason for Gong to fail making progress is two words, cultivation and practice, and people would only pay attention to practice instead of cultivation (Quote from Zhuan Falun). One day, at a study group, I spoke out naively: As a minimum, I would be a good person by learning Falun Gong. To my surprise, one practitioner started to weep and told me what the book said: Someone has told me, Teacher, it is good enough to be a good person among the ordinary people. Who can succeed in cultivation? Upon listening to him, I felt really disappointed! I did not say a word to him. There are all kinds of Xinxing. However much he can comprehend, however much he will understand. Whoever comprehends it will attain it (Quote from Zhuan Falun). I thought to myself why couldnt I just be a good person? That should be enough for me. Unable to understand the true meaning behind these words, I could not comprehend the reason for her sadness. Maybe as a result of my own karma of thoughts, I started to grow lazy. I always found some excuse so I could avoid practicing Gong and studying Fa. However, one day, another practitioner mentioned to me: You are the only one who knows whether you are a genuine cultivator or not. All of a sudden, I felt a warm flow down my spinal cord from the top of my head. I thought of what the Teacher had said: An ordinary person has both demon-nature and Buddha-nature. Once his thinking is not right, the demon-nature will begin to function (Quote from Essentials for Further Advances). From that time on, I started practicing the movements regularly. However, I hadnt put the same emphasis on studying the law yet.

Soon after, I went to a large group practice and study activities in New York City. I met the Teacher and listened to the lecture he gave. I finally understood what the Teacher meant when he said: Lets think, why do I teach the Gong in high dimensions? What is this? Arent we saving people? Saving people means cultivating yourself in a true sense rather than just healing diseases and keeping fit. Thus true cultivation requires a high Xinxing in my students. (Quote from Zhuan Falun). Afterwards, I made studying the Fa and Xinxing cultivation my highest priority. Later, during one of the nine-day seminars, veteran practitioners and beginners all sat in a circle to talk about each others feelings. I had a lot of things on my mind I wanted to share. Looking into the eyes of the new practitioners, I knew I should tell them my story. I didnt want them to waste their precious time as I had when I had first! started out on this path. When I shared my experience, I couldnt stop tears from bursting from my eyes. Suddenly, I understood the mindset of those veteran practitioners back then and the tears I have now.

Because I worked for quite a number of years in this ordinary society, I needed to get rid of a lot of karma of thoughts. For example, let me talk about being truthful (Zhen). In the past, I had often thought that it was not a big deal by telling a white lie if my purpose was good. Now, my conscience tells me it is wrong. The end does not always justify the means. In other words, once I wanted to be truthful in my mind, my actions in this material world needed to be truthful as well. That is exactly what the Teacher said: Matter and mind are one thing in his book Zhuan Falun. Another example of a characteristic I needed to work on was being benevolent (Shan). In the past, in order to protect myself, I often pointed my finger at others. Now, I know it is wrong to do so. I need to look for the root cause, not for others to blame. This way I would meet what the Teacher described: Human Buddha-nature is Shan, which manifests !itself as compassion, altruism and the capability of enduring suffering in one of his essays Buddha-Nature Vs. Demon-Nature. Forbearance (Ren) could be the hardest thing for me to work on because it often related to the attachment of pursuing fame. Often I lost my temper for others unintentional wrong doings if my reputation was hurt. Even if I tolerated for some reasons, it was probably superficial. It was far away from what the Teacher said: To bear without any hatred or grievances at all is the Ren of a practitioner in one of his essays What Is Ren. In my workplace, I represent the federal government by certifying and approving the airworthiness of jet engines. There is no room for mistakes because human lives are on the line. Sometimes I have acted very rigidly and unyielding. Most of the time I used the regulations to prove others mistakes. I seldom would look inward to find my own mishaps.

I encountered my first test when a foreign client performed a flight test to verify an engine shipped to them. They found it did not meet the requirements, and the complaint went to the civil air authority. I was between a rock and a hard place because I had to certify the redesign to meet both the shipment schedule and airworthiness requirements in a short period of time. Eventually, I met the deadline and felt that it was an accomplishment. Nevertheless, I received a call from the FAA to review what really went wrong in the first place. In the meantime, my boss got a call from the executive of the company, complaining that I did not put the company hat on. I was troubled after heard the news. I spent so much effort solving the problem in such short notice. It should count for something. Once I started, the evil thought would not stop. I began to feel mad that this client spread the news to the civil air authority without informing me first. However, on second thought, I! realized that I was a practitioner. Why did I still look from the outside and not at my inner self? If the engine had met the requirements, the whole event would not have occurred. It was the Teacher who used this event to get rid of my attachment for pursuing fame and to test my ability for tolerance. The Teacher said in Zhuan Falun: You may be slapped in the face twice and you will lose face before someone you do not want to see most. It will see how you will deal with this issue and whether you can put up with it. It is also not good enough that though you can tolerate it, it is still on your mind. How true it was! I have treated others so rigidly in the past. If my client had not found the problem, I probably would not have been enlightened. I thank my client for disclosing that information. During the review with the FAA, I accepted all of the responsibility and criticism. Afterwards, I was very tranquil and peaceful. I could not sense any uneasy feeling.

After this, I felt that I knew how to cultivate from then on. It was not complicated at all and I could just follow this routine. How na ve I was! In April, what happened in Zhongnanhai and the aftermath caused dramatic changes in the cultivation environment. On July 20th, the rumor spread that the Chinese government was going to ban the Falun Gong. It reminded me of when the Teacher said that this is not the tribulation of Buddha, but of mankind. I knew very well that I should not stay at home during this time. On the way to Washington D. C., I thought of what the Teacher had said -- that if others did something nfair to us we shouldnt do the same to them. My heart was peaceful. I practiced meditation in front of the Chinese embassy and later on at the Mall facing Capital Hill. Everybody was silent when the news broke out that some Dafa Dizi were arrested in China. Then most people cried when a flag bearing the words keeping your! belief as solid as a rock, advancing your progress as vigorous as possible was delivered from Beijing to the Mall. I was so moved and couldnt hold back my tears either. No matter whether one was in China or overseas, one was bounded by the predestined relationship with the Teacher when one attained the Fa. How to handle the situation was the test I had to face. Although the environments of the two places were not the same anymore, the cultivation standards will not change for me just because I live overseas now. I looked at the ways the practitioners in China, without selfishness and ego, protected the Dafa in such a harsh environment. I felt shame for not doing even close to what they had done so far.

After I was back from D. C., my workplace became quite busy and it was tough to have a day or two off. I did not pay too much attention to this new development since I had quite a lot business meetings and company travels anyhow. I did the best by attending the weekend Dafa promotions at Boston Common. The interference was still finding its way in. The overwhelming negative media coverage from China made me confused, puzzled and occasionally sidetracked. I knew that it was not a coincidence. Often, I asked myself: What is the purpose of my cultivation? What is the standard to use? Suddenly, I remembered one incident that occurred in D. C. where my automobiles side mirror was shattered. The driver at the time was busy finding the road while other practitioners were trying to feed him information He lost concentration, got stuck in a narrow road and the mirror was hit as a result. I totally forgot that there may have an important message for! me. The previous cultivation looked so straightforward because the environment was simple. There were several known patterns to follow, similar to driving a car in a familiar place. Once the environment changed, like in a strange place, one could easily get disoriented. If the mirror was broken, it would add to the confusion by not reflecting the right image. I must polish the mirror in my heart to strengthen my faith to the Dafa. A practitioner mentioned at my house about the importance of having faith. Reading the essay Constancy led me to a clear understanding that cultivation is not meant for the Teacher or for a short term thrill. Cultivation is for the purpose of returning to my true origin. I shouldnt be sidetracked and show anger when others trash the Dafa and the Teacher, or show joy when the opposite happens. Those created attachments of hatred and complacency would separate me from the cultivation. Finally I could read the news with unbiased mind. I was not emotional anymore. I could recognize that what the situation meant to the practitioners was totally different from what it meant to the ordinary people. In fact, no matter what was said by the Chinese news media, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, my confidence toward the Dafa shouldnt be influenced. Cultivation is to be enlightened from a maze. The reverse of the environment created a more confused state and provided a better cultivating ground for the practitioners. The key is to utilize the current situation to get rid of various attachments and increase the Xinxing levels. After I figured this out, I realized the harsh environment was actually a better cultivating place.

Then, there were several occasions that required the participation of practitioners during the middle of the week. One was a trip to New York City to appeal to the United Nations. The other was a trip to Washington D. C. to petition the Congress to pass a resolution. I couldnt make both trips, so instead I made phone calls and signed the petition letter. The reason was that I couldnt get the days off. On the other hand, I did not try hard enough because my heart was not totally settled. Te had just lost her job. Two incomes had shrunk into one for supporting the family. If I was too pushy, it might aggravate my boss. I couldnt afford to lose my job. I didnt realize that it was not my boss, but myself who was the road block. If I dug deep enough, there was an attachment of pursuing material lifestyle. I thought that I always wanted reputation more than money. At the crucial moment, I couldnt recognize that I had been tested. Did I fail?. I got another chance to prove myself. It happened that the WTO selected Seattle for its meeting. The practitioners in Seattle thought it was a good opportunity for promotion and planned an experience sharing conference there. Te had booked an airline ticket and hotel already. I still hesitated. One night during group study, the topic of going out surfaced. One practitioner said firmly: There is no doubt that one should go out to protect and promote the Dafa. I said coolly: There is no right or wrong for the need to go out as long as one knows where ones heart stands. The statement I made was nothing wrong. However, on my way home, I kept thinking whether I was trying to find an excuse again. Maybe I was afraid of being turned down again. I told Te: I decided to go. She was surprised to hear that and asked : Can you get off from work? How about the kids? I told her : !e We can make some arrangements for the kids and I am sure they are big enough to take care of themselves. I will ask for the time off first thing in the morning. This time I was totally committed to go to Seattle. She said : Im glad that you made this decision. I support you. The next morning, even before I opened my mouth, my boss announced that everyone in the office should use their vacation days before the years end. I knew I had passed this test because my heart was settled. I ordered the last ticket and accompanied Te to Seattle.

After the experience sharing conference, I went to street corners with other practitioners to collect signatures. My understanding on the signature collecting was that I used ordinary ways to promote the Dafa. I talked to each person about the characteristics of universe - Truthfulness, Benevolence and Forbearance. The predestination would connect them with the Dafa and the Teacher. At lunch time, I started walking back. At an intersection, an old lady, approximately eighty or ninety years old, grabbed my arm and asked to take her across the street. The direction was not where I was heading. I took this as an opportunity to promote Dafa and accompanied her across the street. She then wanted me to help her climb several steps to a bank. I looked back and found the other practitioners were almost out of my sight. Would I be able to recognize the streets back? I thought it was more important to continue the dialogue to introduce her to the three characteristics and therefore I helped her up the stairs. When she heard the three words: Zhen, Shan, Ren, She murmured: I know! I Know! I felt so strange. It looked like she was coming just for me and knew something. Afterwards, I thought deeply about this incident. I was held back because of the interference I had. I didnt move up for some time because my understanding of the Fa was not advanced. Could this be some kind of hint the Teacher wanted to show me? The Teacher said : One has to take his own path (Quote from Zhuan Falun). The life path of ordinary people already exists but the life path of the cultivators has been rearranged by the Teacher. The practitioner indeed had to cultivate his Xinxing in this ordinary society, eliminating various attachments through the conflicts that emerged. Every tribulation one ran into, just like in a busy cross intersection, was what the Teacher selected from this ordinary society to test ones Xinxing. If one passed a test, there would be another opportunity and test waiting in a higher ground for him to advance. I did not feel strange anymore after I had figured this out.

During this period of time, I felt the Fa actually touch the bottom of my heart. From the first day I attained the Fa, every test, every hiccup I had, was full of the Teachers efforts. When I got lazy and confused, the Teacher knowingly hinted to me of my shortcomings and ignorance, or revealed some images to show the magnificence of the Dafa. I fully recognized what the Teacher said during his lecture in Geneva : I am not only for you, I am for the whole living being, I exhausted my entirety to save all of the living things. I deeply thanked the power of Dafa which moved my heart bit by bit and turned it into the mind of cultivation, and it also broadened and deepened my understanding of the Dafa. It pushed me to keep moving forward and progressing vigorously.

Thank you for listening my story.