Hidden Attachments and Staying on Course

1/1/2000

My name is Michael Tsang. I obtained the Fa in October of 1997. From the point when I had first obtained the Fa, I knew this would be the path my life would have to follow. I couldn't see how I could pass up this most precious opportunity for cultivation. I also felt such a chance for cultivation may never come again; if it did, it would not come in the form of this Dafa today; or I might be beyond approach in this aspect.

For me, knowing the preciousness of Dafa is one thing, staying on course in cultivation is another. I would like to share with you some of my tribulations in my cultivation. In looking back, I find solace to see that I am not the same ordinary person I was two years ago, with much self-conceived notions, anger, ignorant of what I was doing to myself, and the need to compete and fight for fame and self-interest.

In my cultivation, I was almost immediately confronted with layers of thought-karma. These thoughts had vehemently tried to stop me from cultivating Dafa, it flooded my mind with streams of doubts, dirty and derogatory thoughts. I swayed and waned under the barrage. When I thought I had made it through, it would start all over again. It was like fighting demons in my mind day in and day out.

I understood that part of the problem had to do with my weak main-conciousness in which I was not always able to be my own boss. This weak main-consciousness became easier for me to understand when looking back at the depressions I had in the past, I could not lift up my spirit then and I could not be sure of my own self. As a cultivator, it destroys my firmness to the Fa.

I have been well conditioned in using modern psychology to resolve these problems, even though that approach felt right on a gut level, it didn't work. I had to turn and look as a cultivator from a higher level and apply the principle of the Fa. Master Li had conveyed on numerous occasions that to eliminate thought-karma, one must exert one's dominant main-consciousness. I also had to let go of the past. What was, was passed, dwelling on it is also an attachment. I have to start anew from this point on.

During the time of the L.A. conference in February of 1999, I had another big bout with thought-karma and was able to be firm with the Fa. I vacillated between going and not going. I said what was the point? I didn't know if I should continue. But I went anyway. Travelling along on the flight, I read "Essence for Further Advances" and struggled within my own mind. As I read, passages in the book began to touch me and gave me insights into my plight. The more I read, the more I was strengthened. When I arrived at the hotel I just sat on the floor and continued to read. Things came up and revealed the abundance and profoundness of this Fa. I was swirling up inside and elated in disbelief. I had no fear of quitting anymore. Since that episode I have never been depressed again.

But in terms of my thought-karma, it was diminished but not eliminated. Master Li has pointed out on numerous occasions that the thought-karma is not you, nor are the uncontrollable thoughts in our meditation which are postnatal notions and is also not you. It has been hard for me to separate them out as not coming from myself. But with the relentless torrents of thought-karma and the uncontrollable thoughts in meditation, I really couldn't practice. I was exasperated. In encountering passages in my reading in regard to this matter over and over again, I was finally able to feel the truth and separate it out. Because just like Master said, I can move my arms whenever I want them to, move my feet wherever I want them to, but I can't stop my thoughts whenever I want them to. I was miserable. Do I want that? No, I understood what it was and I was able to let it go without resistance. It was the strengthening of my main-consciousness and separating the thought-karma out as not being my own self that had turned me around.

In my cultivation, I found that attachments can only be worn out a little peace at a time. At the time when I became a cultivator I was living in a relatively quiet multiple dwelling building that I owned. Then my neighbor put in a restaurant next door and soon I came to have to endure the noise the restaurant generated from its operation. Cars and patrons made noise in the front of the building until 3 in the morning and the air conditioning system hummed all day and night in the back of the building, which essentially took away the serene living environment I had before.

As a cultivator, I didn't want to fight and take the restaurant owner and the landlord to court. I thought of another solution, that is to soundproof the building, but I could cover the expenses only if I turned the building into condos. But I also knew one of my tenant would fight me tooth and nail in a long and nasty housing court battle. I didn?t want that either. Fortunately a realtor came knocking and offered to sell the building for me which was an option I had never considered, but I took it as a sign and sold the building so I don't have to fight with others.

I didn't think I was particularly attached to wealth, but the little attachment that I still have took a while to be eliminated. The real estate market has been through a bonanza period, if I had converted the building into condos I could have sold it four times the amount. It nagged at me like a thorn on my side for the past year. I avoided driving through my old neighborhood because it would bring up the feeling. At one point I dig deep to see the nature of this attachment, and it turned out to be an issue of fame but not gain. If I had made a lot of profit, I would be someone that has the smarts in this society, and would be looked upon by others as someone that is accomplished. What a well-hidden attachment! After that, I felt relieved of my attachment.

A while later, it came up again. And I said, it's still here? Out of all that has been given to me by Dafa, I am still attached to the things I should let go of, what is it? Isn't Dafa greater than everything else in this world? How insignificant is this profit? Why should I still be so attached to it? How should I value this profit? If I spent two years in the condo conversion project, I would not be the person I am today. I came to realize I should not attach to this anymore, and I let it go.

In studying the Fa, I can read over something many times and still not get its deeper implications. Master often guide us in different ways, little hints here, opening to the right passage in the book there. In learning the Fa, we all have different understanding on different matters. I thought I had understood Futi and the moral decline of mankind. Not until I went to another city to attend a friend?s wedding did I get a fuller picture of what he was really saying.

I was walking through that city one evening when I started to encounter street performers who came across as strikingly odd. I have seen many street performers before but these performers? act and outfits portrayed a mind-set that was significantly different from the norm. I began to notice the whole environment was like this extending block after block. Everybody was uninhibited, and there was an element of decadence in the atmosphere.

I started to recall that this was a scene straight out of a dream I had at least a year ago in which I said how come these people behaved so badly, this is really a decline of the human race, but where is such a place, I had no idea. I woke up a little bewildered trying to figure it out. And here it was right in front of me. I encountered two other places on my trip that was straight out of my dreams, I also witnessed instances and heard tales of Futi from other people. Master had talked about the karma and virus everywhere. I believed it, but the true picture was hidden away. This was evidence that there are ever deeper levels of understanding to the Fa, and when one is at the point to receive it, it will present itself. This episode is also evidence that our lives are rearranged by Master for our benefit to improve ourselves.

On another matter, some hints are straight forward, but for this one I needed a big jolt to expose the short-comings I have, this one was hard to face and was caused by my own cover ups and disguises. From the beginning, I thought I was privileged because I was able to embrace such a great Fa, I felt I could do well in it. But that was just the beginning of my mentality of complacency in disguise. Cultivation has been difficult but I had always pulled through on tribulations, so each time I thought "Ah, I have understand something else". But in reality I disguised the fact that I thought I have better understanding that others. In doing work for the Fa, I was diligent, methodic and thorough, and everyone seemed pleased. So I thought again, "Ah, I am doing all right, I will keep up my diligence." But in disguise I was keeping up my image. So I had convinced my self to believe that I was moving forward but in fact I was moving backwards.

Before I went to my friend's wedding, I had started to slip in my cultivation. When I came back, I developed a cold which I haven?t had since I started the practice. At first I thought it was purification, but then it turned into a prolong cough for over a month and other physical symptoms began to return. I started to question, "This is not purification, I need to look at my Xinxing, something is wrong here." My daily energy started to wane. I had needed only 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night, now I was struggling to get up in the morning to go to practice and was sleeping 5 to 6 hours.

In my search and examination of my short comings, I started to read more to find out where I fell short. In reading Lecture four, "Losses and Gain", and "Upgrading Xinxing", I was humbled to find how shallow I had understood and how little I have changed. Master said, "Superficial changes are for others to see. Whether or not you can be saved depends on the change and transcendence of your own heart. If change does not occur there, one will not be able to improve, and nothing can be achieved. Actually, it is because of reading "Zhuan Falun" that your body has been blessed somewhat on the surface. Other than that, you have not attained anything. With such an ill mind, can you attain anything else?"

My cough is gone. In cultivation I understand if I can handle a situation unperturbed I am already at that lever. This morning I came to realized something. If I am moved by the temptations in life and act in the direction to satisfy that desire, I am no longer a true cultivator. Master Li said, "cultivation is a serious matter." I know I must be diligent and continue to make progress. It is so hard to go over those hurdles, but everyone also know after they've gone over it that what we have is priceless.