Searching Inward and Cultivating Diligently
(Clearwisdom.net) I have walked on the path of cultivation in Dafa for twelve years. During the past twelve years, I've experienced tempering, improvement and tests. I still have many attachments to let go of. Since the persecution started in 1999, Dafa practitioners who broke through the persecution have become more and more mature. Since I obtained the Fa, I have benefited from practicing Falun Gong both physically and mentally. My sentimentality of thanking Master and Dafa has now been gradually replaced by rationality. When the persecution started, I just practiced the exercises and studied the Fa at home. I did not step forward to validate the Fa. I did not try to save the sentient beings. I did very poorly. At the beginning of 2000, when I obtained Master's articles and read that Master praised other practitioners for doing well, I felt ashamed that I had not done anything. I knew what blocked me the most was my attachment to fear.
A local practitioner was arrested for clarifying the truth. She and I were very close. Every day, I and other practitioners went to the place where she was detained and tried to rescue her. However, her family did not cooperate. They did not allow us to participate, saying our efforts would only cause damage. They clashed with us. Finally, we could not rescue her.
Through this incident, I found my attachment. Although I sent righteous thoughts to rescue the practitioner, there were many elements driven by emotion. When rescuing the practitioner, my mind seemed to have the personal loyalty of ordinary people. I totally did not have righteous thoughts and righteous actions as a practitioner. The practitioner's family members did not cooperate to seek her release, but complained that no one took care of the child, no one cooked for the family and the family was in a mess. It seems that the practitioner's duty was just to cook, take care of the child and serve them. Her son and daughter were not considerate of their mother. This upset me. I did not have a peaceful mindset. I had the thought: "If you do not go to request her release, fine. If you do not want me to come, I will not come which would save time for me."
Afterwards, I realized it was a terrible and selfish thought. Before the practitioner was arrested, I saw her attachments but I did not help her consistently. When she was not willing to listen, I just stopped talking. It was because I was afraid of losing face. I did not search inwards and improve my own manner of speaking. The old forces are eying any thought of ours and will take any advantage. The evil persecution came. Our fellow practitioners were detained in forced labor camps. What a great lesson this is! I shrank from clarifying the truth. My attachment of fear is my biggest obstacle on the path of cultivation and it ties me down. We are cultivators walking on the path to godhood. How can we be tied to these bad things? I walked out of this low state by studying the Fa.
When contacting other practitioners, I always saw other practitioners' shortcomings knowingly or unknowingly. I always felt that everything I said was right. One day, when we studied the Fa in a practitioner's home, a practitioner joined us halfway through. The host introduced the practitioner to us. At that time, I said we did not need such introduction and cultivation should follow a natural course. She could not accept it and said I was too cautious and had the attachment of fear. We had an argument. Later on, other fellow practitioners pointed out that I was too anxious and serious, which kept fellow practitioners from accepting what I said.
When I went home, I searched inward. My temper was hot, my mindset was not peaceful and my tone was not kind. I was in that state for a long time. More than one practitioner pointed it out. Although I made a little improvement, I still did not change completely. I did not do what Master said:
"You should always maintain a heart of benevolence and a mind of kindness. If you suddenly bump into a problem, you will be able to take care of it properly." (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)
I still have an attachment to competition. I always think what I say is right. I hold on tightly to my own opinions. How strong my human attachments are! My biggest attachment is laziness, and the demon of fear is big. I know there is a big gap between other practitioners and me. However I do not give way. I will continue to study the Fa, truly cultivate, get rid of demonic characters and my attachment to fear.