I Finally Found My Fundamental Attachment -- Lust
(Clearwisdom.net) After Teacher published "Toward Consummation" from Essentials for Further Advancement II, many practitioners found their fundamental attachments. I needed to do this too. I was curious about supernormal abilities when I started the practice and fell hard because of that attachment. I eliminated that attachment and no longer think about it. Later I studied "Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles", where Teacher said,
"What do the old forces and the old cosmos see as the gravest thing? Lust, [in the form of] sexual activity outside of marriage. That's what they see as the most serious of things."
"In other words, these things are extremely serious to them. So the old forces and all of the gods in that cosmos will not defend anyone who violates the prohibition on this, anyone who doesn't do well in this regard; in fact they will push you downwards."
Teacher asked practitioners who made mistakes in this regard to admit it openly. I was shocked. After I read an experience sharing article on Clearwisdom that deeply resonated with me, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore, I had to expose this dirty spot in my life. I discovered why I couldn't progress diligently in my practice. When I didn't progress, it was like something tied me up and although my main spirit was eager to progress, I couldn't do it satisfactorily.
My attachments to lust and sentiment were serious. Since I was little, I always thought about romantic relationships and having a perfect marriage. As a teen, I was very curious about sex and read a lot of pornographic books. I even learned how to masturbate. These things created a lot of thought karma. In 1996, after I finished watching Teacher's lecture tapes, I saw Teacher in a dream. In a solemn, magnificent temple, there were many Buddhas wearing kasayas standing on both side of the temple. Teacher held my hand and we flew up in the sky. I was about six or seven years old. I saw some of the lives I experienced in different lifetimes. In one life I was married to a man who had been my first boyfriend in this life. He had left home so many years ago that I thought he was dead. One day I saw him on the street and discovered that he betrayed me and had married another woman. I fought a great deal with that woman. In this life, my first boyfriend lied to me many times in order to have sex with me. In the end, he left me for another woman. In many of my lives, I was male and always had trouble in matters of love. I was involved with a woman in three lives, and we committed suicide twice because we couldn't get married. We finally got married in the third life.
In one life I was a man who wanted to practice Buddhism. My parents threatened me with their lives to force me to marry a particular woman. After we were married, we lived in separate places and did not fulfill our duties as husband and wife. I planned to become a monk after my parents passed away, which my family agreed with. People in the village knew the situation between me and my wife. In the end, I helped my wife marry the person she loved before I left to become a monk. People in the village saw me flying up to the sky. When I broke through the human level, I felt wonderful, like a chick exiting an eggshell. I knew this kind of wonderfulness came from giving up human sentiments.
I am a very conservative person. I thought a woman who had premarital sex would never be cherished by another man. I regretted what I did and decided never to marry. After I practiced Dafa, my family and colleagues thought I refused to get married because of Falun Gong. Because I didn't want to create a negative impression of Falun Dafa practitioners and hadn't totally given up my attachment to sentiment, I married my husband in 1999. Compassionate Teacher changed my life. My husband was a noble and good person. He didn't seek the company of other women while I was held in a forced labor camp. That was pretty unusual in today's world. However, before we were married, he often wanted to have sex when we were alone. I refused because I knew a practitioner couldn't do that and I was also afraid that he would find out I wasn't a virgin. Though we didn't have sex, we had a lot of other types of physical contact. Now I know the degenerated meddling deities from high levels controlled my husband and tried to exploit my gap and eliminate me if I made a big mistake. These meddling deities also controlled males whom I dated when I was young. They flirted with me verbally and physically. I didn't make any mistakes because I strictly followed the Fa. I thought it was because I was still attractive and didn't realize it happened because my attachments to lust and desire were not yet eliminated.
As practitioners, we know time is short. We will not leave the Three Realms if we don't eliminate our attachment to lust and we will not reach consummation if we don't eliminate our attachment of jealousy. I used to get anxious when I didn't pass the test of lust in my dreams and forced myself not to have sex with my husband. The result was my husband couldn't understand why I behaved that way, which caused a lot of conflict between us. Now I know we can't force ourselves to eliminate attachments; that is not real cultivation. Although we acted like and thought we had eliminated an attachment, we actually still held on to it or hid it in a deep place. Now I try to eliminate my husband's and my attachment to lust using my righteous thoughts and I feel this has worked.
Since 2006, Teacher has been helping me to eliminate my attachment to lust. I didn't realize it at the time. Back then, my husband always felt tired when he got home form work and would stay in the TV room watching TV by himself. If I wanted to be close to him, he would become annoyed. In the end, he slept in a separate bed and was having more and more meetings after work. During those four months. I would go to bed after midnight and wake up early in the morning to do the exercises. I was not tired at all even if I only slept 3-4 hours. I was progressing diligently.
This good state didn't last, as my human notions surfaced. I suspected that my husband was having an affair. I often shouted at him and fought with him. I complained to his side of the family and threatened to divorce him. During that time, my mouth had a lot of canker sores and my throat hurt. I didn't think about the causes. In the end, my husband agreed to sleep in the same bed with me. He confessed that it was because I went to bed late every night and always woke him up when I got in the bed. That was why he wanted to sleep in a separate bed. Later a practitioner pointed out my attachment and said I didn't know how lucky I was!
I was very selfish and wasn't compassionate towards my husband. I wanted to be a good practitioner at home but behaved like an everyday person. That caused my husband to not agree with a lot of things I did.
"This field corresponds to the universe. Whatever exists in the universe out there is correspondingly reflected here. Everything can be reflected. It is a kind of image, but it is not real." (Zhuan Falun).
My husband and my child (a practitioner) live with me and their words and behavior reflect my attachments. When I assimilate my every thought to "Truth, Compassion, and Tolerance", the family is peaceful and quiet. When I forget to cultivate xinxing and act like an everyday person, my husband and child also show their bad sides.
The above is my personal understanding. Please point out anything that is incorrect. Thank you!