I Found Jealousy Hidden in Myself
(Clearwisdom.net) When I read articles by fellow practitioners about jealousy in the past, I felt that I had no such problem because I took everything lightly in my work and life and did not seek fame or material gains. Recently, however, I had a dream that enabled me to realize my deeply-hidden jealousy.
In my dream, all the coworkers in my office but me left to attend an event. I went to my supervisor and asked him why I couldn't go. He said there was nothing he could do about it because it was a decision from above. Upset, I wanted to go home but could not find my motorbike. Thinking it must have been stolen, I went to others’ homes to look for it, without success. I was so frustrated that when someone asked me to run an errand for him I refused.
I thought about it when I woke up and realized that I still had an attachment to jealousy. Because of my jealousy I became upset, couldn’t go home because I had lost my bike, and didn’t even want to help other people—the kindness and compassion a cultivator should have had all disappeared. "Am I still a practitioner?" I asked myself. I dug further and questioned, "Why did I have this dream?" The reason was, as I figured, that the day before the night of the dream something happened that I had not been able to push out of my mind. I had grown into the habit of going home with several of my coworkers from work late in the afternoons. But on a couple of days recently, when I went for them they had already gone without waiting for me or even letting me know. (Had I not cultivated, I would have raised the issue with them.) Though I didn’t say a word about it to them, my mind had been busy, chaotic with all kinds of thoughts, including bad ones. I knew this was not right and tried to talk sense into my head and think from others’ perspective. But it was no use, and I decided I would treat them the way they had treated me. The dream awakened me! I was horrified by the jealousy in me. Jealousy can cause various human attachments, such as suspicion, competitiveness, showing-off, greed, selfishness, and so on. Jealousy leads to a strong ego and drives away the selfless kindness that takes care of others first. With jealousy, one will find himself short of the tolerance and generosity a cultivator should have.
The old forces are all eyes, watching our every thought. They will take advantage of our gaps if we let down our guard for even one moment. When I found this attachment, I tried to restrain it. And since then, whenever I come across it, I always think about it and see it from others’ angles. After I switched my mind onto the right track, I felt that all my problems were gone, my heart was light, and I was able to get along so much better with my coworkers.
When I looked inward further I found my jealousy revealed in many aspects. For instance, when I saw someone do a better job and win praise from the supervisor, I would feel a unpleasant stir in my heart; when fellow practitioners studied the Fa more and did a lot of things validating the Fa, I envied them for sure, but I felt jealous, too. My attachment to jealousy may not have shown on the surface, but it was there, well hidden in my heart and easily overlooked. I dug it out today and removed it.
Revered Master said in Zhuan Falun,
"Jealousy is very serious, because it directly impacts whether we can cultivate to Perfection. If jealousy isn’t eliminated, all the thoughts you’ve cultivated become fragile."
As long as this attachment exists, we must work to get rid of it. And this requires that we look inside ourselves unconditionally when conflicts or problems arise to see if we have seen things based on the Fa. We have to develop strong tolerance and compassion through cultivation. We will accomplish nothing if we start doing anything based our selfish ego. The opportunity to cultivate is hard to come by, and Dafa is hard to get. We are most fortunate to have become revered Master’s disciples, so there is no excuse for us not to abandon our various attachments, as Master tells us to do.