Hardly Noticing My Attachment to Jealousy
(Clearwisdom.net) Teacher said, "The issue of jealousy is very serious as it directly concerns the matter of our attainment of consummation. If the attachment of jealousy is not eliminated, all the aspects of one's Xinxing cultivation will become fragile. There is this rule: During cultivation, one will not at all complete the right achievement if the attachment of jealousy is not eliminated." (Lecture Seven of Zhuan Falun, 1998 translation)
I have hardly watched TV ever since I started practicing Falun Dafa. A few days ago while my child and husband were watching a TV series, I overheard the woman in the story being very mean. Since I didn't know how bad that woman was, I sat down to watch the rest of the series with them. The TV series talked about two women who were once very good friends when they were little children. After they grew up, however, they did very bad deeds to each other out of their own jealousy, leading to a life-time of regrets. In the end, they apologized to each other for their wrongdoings.
After I finished watching the TV, Teacher's lecture about jealousy came across my mind. I suddenly awakened. I have been controlled by the attachment of jealousy and have done things inappropriate for practitioners. Although it didn't result in any significant consequences, the strong jealousy clearly manifested itself in these incidents. While the attachment was deeply hidden in my mind, I finally managed to dig it out. Right away I started to send forth righteous thoughts, denying its association with me.
Whenever I read Teacher's lecture on jealousy, I always thought I had less pursuit and thus didn't have the issue of jealousy. Now I realize that this is my own notion, which does not belong to myself. Yet I had taken it as mine. I understand that this is what Teacher called a "deeply rooted issue." Sometimes I vaguely feel that due to the issue of jealousy, I do not respect what others do. Nevertheless such righteous thought appears indistinctly, as if it were flowers in mist. Without cultivating myself, I pushed away the realization of such attachment with the thought as "I'm a practitioner so I don't look at it the same way as they do." As a result, I lost the opportunity to genuinely cultivate myself and let the jealousy grow, instead.
When I was at school, I always surpassed others. Yet fate has always made fun of me. My tireless effort became fruitless and I was not admitted to any college. This was a painful shock to me. While some classmates who performed poorly got admitted, I failed. (Later I learned that my scores were changed so that someone else could get admitted in my name.) As Teacher said,
"However, let's say there is another person in his work group or office, who is very incapable of doing anything. One day this incompetent person is promoted to the position of a cadre instead of the competent one, and even becomes his boss. He becomes so unbalanced psychologically that he runs around talking about it, feeling very upset and jealous." (Zhuan Falun)
Back then I felt extremely upset, exactly as Teacher described. I attributed all of this to the unfairness of the gods. My jealousy was born. After practicing Falun Dafa, however, I understood that it was because, "It has not been arranged for you in your life." Since then, my attachment of jealousy has become weaker but I no longer thought about the issue or the attachments related to jealousy. Because of this I made it possible for the jealousy to become deeply rooted in my body without ever realizing it.
I realized that one of my feet was stepping into the air and I was at the verge of having big problems. Once again it was Teacher who helped me realize the attachment. Having discovered the issue of jealousy, I certainly will let it go. I know it is not the issue of attachment itself, but my determination to let go of it, deny it, and eliminate it. Today the reason I am exposing it is so it cannot have any place to hide and I can destroy it. It is not mine and it won't be able to pretend to be me or to destroy me.
Thanks again to Teacher for His compassionate hint.