Discouraged But Not Defeated
(Clearwisdom.net) Once, I overslept and had a dream. In the dream, somebody told me that I had gotten 11.2 points. I was very sad after waking up. All the tests that I hadn't passed successfully in the past came to my mind. I believed that I was not good enough and felt miserable. After a while, I suddenly realized that it was not the Master who said I had 11.2 points. It was the evil that took advantage of the human notions formed in my everyday life. Anything that depresses us and makes us consider giving up Dafa is the interference of the evil.
Damage was done because I didn't restrain myself. I stumbled and gave the evil an opportunity to take advantage of my weakness. If I had not woken up right away, the evil would have had more time to do more damage.
We have to be calm; spend more time studying the Fa; find and get rid of personal attachments, degenerate feelings, and the notions formed in daily life; separate the notions formed in everyday life from our own inborn nature; cultivate to patch our omission; and advance vigorously.
In the last few months, whenever I didn't feel good about myself and failed to pass the tests, I would say in my heart, "Master, please give me up." I would regret it later when I calmed down. Finally, I realized the subtle, deep, hidden, and very dirty, degenerate notion: I was using the Master's benevolence, just as a disobedient child threatens his parents to get what he wants. Did I really want to destroy myself? The answer was definitely "No." But why would I convey such thoughts to the Master? One reason was to save face, the second to hope the Master could decrease the difficulty of the tests, and the third to find excuses not to look inside and, consequently, not find the attachments that stopped me from passing the tests.
I feel ashamed about myself right now as I am putting this in writing.
The above is the lesson I learned, and I hope that fellow practitioners can avoid making the same mistakes.