[Celebrating World Falun Dafa Day] My Warm Relationship with My Mother-in-Law

(Minghui.org) When I recently stayed at the home of a friend and her mother for a few days, I was reminded of the time I spent with my mother-in-law. During the years that I fulfilled my filial duties, she provided numerous opportunities for me to cultivate.

Visiting a Friend

An old friend invited me to stay with her for a few days to catch up, as her elderly mother was living with her and she didn’t like to leave her alone. I accepted the invitation and felt honored to be in the company of the two women.

Her mother is 87 years old, neat and kind, with a clear complexion and a sweet smile. During my four-day stay, I spent half a day alone with her. I made something to eat that she liked and gave her hot water, which she used to take her medicine afterward. Then we chatted.

I showed her a video about Falun Dafa and told her some stories from traditional Chinese culture. When I mentioned the seriousness of pledging allegiance to the Chinese Communist Party, she understood and agreed to quit the Youth League to void the oath she had taken when she joined it. She was surprised to learn that there were Falun Dafa practitioners in the United States. The more we talked, the happier she became.

She opened up and shared stories from her youth and talked about her deceased husband. She also spoke about her reluctance to return to live with her son. She mentioned that her daughter-in-law seemed to detest her and said that she didn’t want to be a burden to her son’s family. I did my best to console her.

The few hours we spent together were very pleasant.

Female Propriety

Recalling that visit brought back memories of the years I spent caring for my mother-in-law. My husband and I lived in different cities during out working years. After we retired, we moved back to his hometown to care for his mother, who was in her 90s. Although the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can sometimes be problematic among ordinary people, it is useful for cultivation. I had many both sweet and sour interactions with my mother-in-law.

One day, I was late making dinner for her because an online lesson I was teaching ran overtime. She heard my voice coming from the study and assumed I was on the phone and was neglecting her. When I finished the lesson, I saw she was unhappy and explained that I was teaching her great-grandson, which mollified her a little. Still, she criticized me for not behaving properly and laughing too much. I responded proudly, “It is good to be lively when teaching children.” She interrupted me before I could finish, quoting an old saying that a woman was not the same as a man. I appeared to laugh at what she said, but, inside, it made me think.

Later that day as I was doing housework, I listened to Minghui Radio on my headphones. One of the articles was categorized as Divine Culture. In it, they discussed Ban Zhao’s book Women’s Commandments. Ban Zhao, a female historian and writer in the Eastern Han Dynasty, was known as the female Confucius. She was often summoned to the palace to teach the Empress and the nobles to recite the scriptures. Women’s Commandments, the first comprehensive book in China on female propriety, set the standard for the character and behavior for women in China.

Behavioral norms for Chinese women growing up in a communist culture today are completely different from those of traditional Chinese women. The women of my mother-in-law’s generation can still recall certain aspects of traditional culture. My behavior was based on the belief that women are equal to men, so I often argued with my husband when our opinions differed. My mother-in-law just whacked me on the arm today and reminded me not to act that way.

I believed that I had always been mindful of my behavior in this respect, waiting to sit down to eat only after my mother-in-law and husband were seated. I would serve them first and was the last one to start eating. However, I realized that I did this out of superficial politeness, rather than respecting them from the bottom of my heart. I had my mother-in-law to thank for reminding me of my shortcoming in this regard. I finally understood why I had a mother-in-law with a strong personality—Master arranged it for my cultivation.

My husband and I bought his mother a new house, believing that his siblings could take turns looking after her. In the end, for various reasons, we ended up being the only ones available. This upset me, because not only had we paid for the house, but we also had to do all the work. Not only that, my mother-in-law’s pension insurance was purchased with money pooled by all her children, yet she was giving all of her monthly income to her youngest son. We also had to cover her living expenses. She was aware of this because she sometimes reminded us not to spend too much on her. By contributing so much to her care, I sometimes mentioned it out of pride in front of her, which made her uncomfortable.

Through daily Fa study, I understood that I must hold myself to the standards of the Fa during conflicts. Master Li said,

“A wicked person is born of jealousy. Out of selfishness and anger he complains about unfairness towards himself. ” (“Realm,” Falun Dafa Essentials For Further Advancement)

I realized that was my mindset, which was an evil way to think.

My husband’s siblings took care of her for many years before we retired, and it took me a while to recognize how much they had already contributed. His mother relied on others to take care of her, so I shouldn’t say unkind things that made her uncomfortable.

After that, I became mindful of my mother-in-law’s feelings. I didn’t let her know when we spent money on her, whether it was for food or clothing. She was incontinent and used cloth diapers, which she washed herself. Since she couldn’t get them all that clean, I re-washed them when she wasn’t looking. Her children and grandchildren often gave her cash and cigarettes (she smoked) as gifts, which we never touched. In addition, we put money in red envelopes for her to hand out during the holidays.

One Wrong Thought Led to a Mishap

My mother-in-law had cerebellar atrophy and, due to her age, weak legs. I was near her all the time and slept with her at night. I sewed bells on her shoes to alert us when she was moving about. Despite all this, she still fell one day.

One afternoon, an hour before her dinnertime, I was cleaning the range hood in the kitchen, and she stopped by to check on me. I guessed she might be hungry since she hadn’t eaten much at lunch, but I couldn’t cook anything until I’d finished cleaning the range. I finished just past her usual dinnertime. As I was making her dinner, I heard a thud in the living room. My husband and I rushed in and found her on the floor.

We helped her onto the sofa. She said angrily, “If you’d had my dinner ready on time, this wouldn’t have happened.” She’d lost her balance reaching for a banana and fell. She fell against the curtain, which protected her head, but her back was injured and causing her pain. We took her to the hospital the next day, and the X-ray showed that a bone in her lower back was fractured. I apologized to her in front of my husband for not taking good care of her. It took six weeks for her back pain to subside. The whole family worried about her during this time.

I went back over the incident afterwards to find my shortcomings. When she came into the kitchen to check on me, I should have explained that dinner would be late to ease her anxiety. Instead of considering her feelings, I ignored her and allowed my selfish thoughts to control me.

My competitive attachment was at work at that moment. Cultivation is serious. Failing to cultivate each thought leads to interference and trouble. Before the incident, I recited this passage from Zhuan Falun every morning when I woke up:

“As practitioners, you will suddenly come across conflicts. What should you do? You should always maintain a compassionate and calm heart. Then, when you run into a problem, you will be able to do well because it gives you some room as a buffer. You should always be benevolent and kind to others and consider others when doing anything. Whenever you encounter a problem, you should first consider whether others can put up with this matter or if it will hurt anyone. In doing so, there will not be any problems. Therefore, in cultivation you should follow a higher and higher standard for yourself.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

But I failed to cultivate myself accordingly and paid a hefty price.

Learning to Yield and Be Submissive

After listening to the program discussing Women’s Commandments on Minghui Radio, I understood what it meant to be yielding and submissive: always obeying what my in-laws said, regardless of whether they were right or wrong (especially when they were wrong), and not arguing about who was right or wrong. Being yielding and submissive is a virtue that honors the elderly and endures insults.

When I was memorizing Zhuan Falun for the third time, I often found that I was cultivating the very aspect related to the Fa I was memorizing. While memorizing the passage on “a heart of great forbearance” in Lecture Nine of Zhuan Falun, my mother-in-law provided me with many opportunities to put it into practice.

Because she was unsteady on her feet, I bought her a bar stool so that she could sit while she washed herself. One day, I saw her tilt her head up to rinse her mouth, and I rushed over and stood behind her just in case she lost her balance. However, she immediately turned around and snapped, “Go away!” My sister-in-law happened to see that and reprimanded her. I smiled and said that it was okay.

At mealtime, my mother-in-law often poured the leftover food from her bowl directly into mine. One of her sons once caught her doing this and asked her not to. Both my mother-in-law and I assured him that it was not a problem. Later, he noticed her speaking to me rudely and reminded her that she relied on my care. I knew that it was just her personality. Occasionally she apologized to me for her attitude and asked me not to be angry with her. I always told her that I would never feel angry.

Once while I was helping her to sit on the toilet, my face was very close to hers. She complained that she could not stand the smell of my breath. After that, I supported her from behind. Her complaint prompted me to look inward regarding my bad breath. I found two shortcomings. First, I enjoyed mealtime as it gave me a chance to relax, so I tended to eat more and linger. Second, I sometimes fell short in cultivating my speech. When people visited my mother-in-law, I talked with them on a variety of topics and often forgot that I am a practitioner. My mother-in-law’s words seemed harsh, but she was genuinely reminding me to cultivate diligently.

I never complained about my mother-in-law’s behavior to anyone, including my husband, because I feared that he would reprimand her. As a practitioner and a member of the younger generation, I was in no position to ask her to change—I let things slide. Still, cultivating forbearance was a process for me. I sometimes held grievances and could not help but recount all the things I did for her, including many filthy and disgusting ones. However, Master’s teaching popped into my head,

“But normally when a problem arises, if it does not irritate you psychologically, it does not count or is useless and cannot make you improve.” (Lecture Four, Zhuan Falun)

I immediately enlightened, and all my grievances disappeared. Cultivation was so marvelous that I was instantly filled with happiness.

Compassion Develops Through Cultivation

I had to return home for a while and left my mother-in-law in the care of her other adult children. They all recognized how much I did for her. My brother-in-law commented that if everyone in the family were like me, there would be no conflicts. Actually, there were conflicts, but I didn’t allow them to become problems so that my mother-in-law and I could get along.

According to feng shui, a home where people live peacefully is said to have good feng shui. We have moved a few times and lived peacefully in every place. We brought good feng shui with us. Last year, we even had an udumbara flower blooming in our house.

Every afternoon, my mother-in-law and I recited the auspicious Falun Dafa phrases together: “Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good.” As we did, we counted soy beans to make soy milk. She always washed her hands first to show her respect for Falun Dafa. She also recited the phrases in her spare time and always did so in a sitting position because she believed that it would be disrespectful to do it lying down. Additionally, she said the words in a loud voice. Her pious heart was rewarded with a strong and healthy body. She ate and slept well and did not lose her teeth. She didn’t catch COVID during the pandemic.

My mother-in-law’s relatives praised me. My sister-in-law claimed that I was the best daughter-in-law in the world and often added, “She is a cultivator and has high standards.” I knew that I could never have behaved this way if I were not a Falun Dafa practitioner. I am filled with gratitude to Master when I recall the days spent with my mother-in-law.

One night, I had a strange dream: A college friend called me to have “compassion porridge” the professor was offering. The porridge seemed overcooked and the grains were small. It was off-white and pale green like soybeans. Without a bowl or spoon, I had to sip the porridge, and it immediately melted in my mouth. It was delicious and had a faintly fragrant taste. I had never tasted anything like it in the human world. After about three or four sips, I was about to ask what kind of grain it was made from when I woke up.

I thought about what the dream was telling me. Before I developed much compassion, the concept had always seemed abstract to me. Master appeared to suggest that I now had some compassion, which was the small portion of porridge—just a little to this point. I enlightened that compassion develops slowly through cultivation, much like the process of making porridge, where it is simmered for a long time. The grain used for the porridge is kindness.

(Selected Submission in Celebration of 2025 World Falun Dafa Day)