Learning to Look Inward on My Cultivation Journey

(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa when I graduated from elementary school. Over all these years, the veteran practitioners reminded and encouraged me, but I got caught up in pursuing regular people’s fame, self-interest, and sentimentality, and I couldn’t snap out of it. 

The COVID pandemic in 2019 woke me up. I deeply felt that the Fa-rectification was about to end. I asked myself: Was I truly going to miss this opportunity that is hard to come by? I pulled myself together and used my six-month maternity leave after giving birth to my second child to study Zhuan Falun and do the exercises with a calm mind. I tried very hard to be diligent. If I became distracted while I read the Fa, I re-read that section.

I truly felt that I put my heart into studying the Fa. Master helped me, and I enlightened to many principles. I sighed and wondered: Why didn’t I see these Fa principles before? I was immersed in the Fa and was truly happy. As soon as I opened up the book and began to read, I felt like I was the most fortunate being in the world.

However, I encountered interference. Worrying that practicing Falun Dafa would affect my children’s future, my mother-in-law began to oppose my cultivation, and she was even more opposed to my guiding my children to study the Fa. 

Although we were living with my in-laws at the time, I decided to move back to my own place with my children. However, my mother-in-law wept and told my father-in-law and her entire family to pressure me. My husband, who’d never quarreled with me in our ten years of marriage, acted like a different person. He treated me coldly and talked about divorce.

My older child was diagnosed with ADHD, and he could not relax for a minute unless he watched TV. When I gave birth to my second child, he watched TV or played video games for hours, causing his eyes to blink and tear up involuntarily.

After we moved back home, I removed all the electronic devices and had my son study the Fa, do the Falun Gong exercise, play chess, and read books about traditional culture. I continued to work, do the household chores, cook, and take care of my infant daughter. When I felt overwhelmed, I sat in the bathroom and wept, then I got up and continued working.

My husband did not help me at all. One night, he drank until after midnight while the baby cried. I lost my temper and we argued. He was furious and smashed all the mobile phones in the house. He even went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. My marriage was on the verge of breaking up, and my pent-up anger and grievances poured out like a tide. 

In the prior ten years, I’d paid off my mother-in-law’s debts, bought a house and a car for my family, raised my children, and helped my family, but it seemed this was the end.

I understood that I was attached to sentimentality, and I wanted an ordinary person’s happy and harmonious life. I kept studying the Fa, sending forth righteous thoughts, looking inward, and discussing the situation with other practitioners. I decided to treat my family tribulations with righteous thoughts. 

I reasoned with my husband and in-laws. I told them how steadfast I was in practicing Dafa—but I would not give up on my marriage. I explained that Falun Dafa’s principles could help guide and educate my children and instill good values in them.

The Tribulations Intensify

But the tribulations kept coming. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) started its Zero-Out campaign. The police knocked on my door and followed me for four months. They repeatedly tried to break into my home and arrest me. When they failed, they followed and harassed me at my workplace and talked to my manager. A year later, my name appeared on the company’s layoff list.

During the year before the layoff, I became a vice president in title only. The office went from being busy to deserted. Although I had no power, my job responsibilities were still there. The areas I used to manage became jobs that everyone assigned to me. I knew this was where I should improve. I had attachments to saving face, self-interest, and a desire to be a leader who ordered others around and wanted to hear praise. 

I returned to front-line work from the management level and took the work assigned to me seriously. I was not tempted by relationships among people. I kept busy, and when there was no work, I sat in my small office to study, memorize the Fa, and send forth righteous thoughts. Every day on my way to work, I recited the Fa and poems from Hong Yin. When I took care of household chores, I listened to the recordings of Master’s lectures. 

The police increased their harassment—they either hid in the back corridor and tried to arrest me, followed me on my way to work, or waited outside the entrance of my children’s daycare. Sometimes, they came in the middle of the night and tried to pick the lock. The danger was resolved multiple times under Master’s protection. Every day as I drove home from work, I saw police officers waiting beside my condo building. They ranged from two to three officers to seven or eight. 

I jokingly told my practitioner mother, “Every morning, I must make a decision to let go of life and death.” Helped by local practitioners who sent righteous thoughts, I managed to negate the evil. I told the police to not participate in the persecution. After four months of a stalemate, they backed off. 

With the help of my mother, and my dedication and persistence in caring for my children, my in-laws gradually saw the progress and changes in my children—my family situation improved! The police harassment had a positive effect—my coworkers knew I was a practitioner, and I began to clarify the facts to them. When my company went through a re-organization, I helped my coworkers quit the CCP and its affiliated organizations. 

During the most difficult period, I wept and thought, “Why is cultivation so hard?” I then remembered what Master said,

“It is not that it’s painful on the path of cultivation,Karma of lifetimes and lifetimes impedes;Steeling the heart, eliminating karma, cultivating xinxing,Forever possessing a human form is a Buddha.” (“Causality,” Hong Yin)

I reminded myself that Master is always watching over us. 

After I was laid off, I had no income. I also had mortgage payments on the house I’d bought for investment. My husband’s meager income couldn’t cover all our expenses. 

In order to pay off our debts, I had to quickly sell the investment house at a price below its market value, and I ended up losing more than one million yuan. Afterwards, I took a deep breath: I was really debt-free. I didn’t feel the hardship of living in poverty, but I had to give up my 15-year-long career. This was due to my attachment of “validating myself,” but I didn’t realize it. 

Stricter Requirements Arise on My Cultivation Path 

After I came to the U.S. and participated in my first Dafa-related project, I was so excited that I couldn’t express it in words. Every cell in my body trembled with excitement and happiness.

When I was assigned a task, I realized it was similar to the work I did in China. I felt that my many years of experience could be used on Dafa projects. The others felt it was hard, but it was easy for me. 

I kept telling the other practitioners, “I know how to do this. If you don’t know something, just ask me!” I told them everything I knew, to the point where I thought they might think I was exaggerating. I even said, “I’m really good. I’ve achieved really great results, etc.” I had zealotry, a show-off mentality, and a strong attachment to proving myself, even though I didn’t realize it. I felt I was contributing to Dafa, but I did not behave like a practitioner. 

Over time, I developed a cultivation gap with the other practitioners. Our xinxing conflicts then began to intensify and, in the end, I quit the project. 

For several days afterwards, I was in extreme pain, to the point where I had no strength to get out of bed. I couldn’t remember any Fa principles. My dimensional field was filled with negative thoughts. I kept repeating these words in my mind, “Have faith in Master and Dafa! Have faith in Master and Dafa!” 

A long time passed, but I still couldn’t understand why this happened. It felt like there was a huge rock in my heart. I kept looking inward. Every time after studying the Fa, or enlightening to some principles, or reading practitioners’ sharing articles, I’d go over every detail to see what my problem was. Just like peeling away the layers of an onion, I tried to find my attachments. 

When I read an article that a practitioner sent me, “Falun Dafa Practitioners in the Eyes of an Enlightened Being,” I suddenly understood: Yes, I thought I was working very hard on this project; I stayed up all night to write the proposal; My financial situation was so bad that it was hard to buy groceries, and I had difficulty paying for gas. But I still said that I didn’t want any compensation. I resolved every difficulty that I encountered in the process by relying on my “human experience,” instead of finding wisdom from the Fa, which was far away from having faith in Master and Dafa. 

When I ran into xinxing conflicts with practitioners, I felt upset, and that I’d been wronged. On the surface, I said what I did was for Dafa. But I was upset because I felt I contributed a lot but was treated unfairly. I didn’t look inward when I encountered conflicts—instead, I used ordinary approaches to try and solve issues. I developed resentment when I failed to pass tests. I said I had faith in Master and Dafa, because I hoped Master would help me out. 

Changes Through Memorizing the Fa 

For several years, I was in a very depressed state—I felt surrounded by this “fog-like” karma every day. At first I didn’t understand why; I just felt tormented. Every day I would think: Another day, when will Fa-rectification come to an end? When will this life end?

My husband started asking me, “Why are you sighing again?”

I replied, “Ah, I didn’t realize it, and I don’t know why.” The mountains outside were so beautiful, and the sun was so dazzling, but it seemed as if there was a barrier between me and them. I always felt depressed. When I read practitioners’ articles, and they talked about how happy they were because they were immersed in the Fa, I always wondered why I wasn’t happy.

On fellow practitioners’ suggestion, I started to memorize the Fa. When I tried to memorize, I needed to stay very focused on each paragraph without any distractions. After a while, I occasionally felt happy because I was immersed in the Fa, but this feeling didn’t last. The depression returned the next day. 

When I was memorizing the Fa a few weeks ago, I felt the “fog” suddenly dissipate. The process felt like the ripples on a lake, starting from me and spreading out in all directions. Although it happened very fast, the feeling was very clear. I was a little stunned and couldn’t believe it. I then understood that benevolent Master was removing my karma. 

Since then, I’ve stopped feeling depressed. When I walk outside, I feel warmed by the sun. I finally felt the happiness other practitioners talked about when they said they were immersed in the Fa every day. 

Gradually, the other practitioners asked me to participate in projects to save people. From collecting signatures, to passing out Shen Yun flyers, and then putting up Shen Yun door hangers, I made good use of my time every weekend and went out to clarify the facts to people on Sundays. My children and I left home two hours early on Saturdays, and we handed out flyers and talked to people about Falun Dafa before we went to Fa study. 

A practitioner suggested I join a team that was making videos, and I should produce videos about how I cooked. In this way, I could take care of my family and validate the Fa at the same time!

I truly feel grateful for Master’s immense compassion. In this final historic moment, I have the precious opportunity to save people, and I don’t want to miss it!