Learning to Cultivate Myself

(Minghui.org) It has been 22 years since I began to practice Falun Dafa. I was illegally detained, put in a forced labor camp, illegally sentenced to prison, and taken to a brainwashing center for not giving up my belief. In thinking back, all of the persecution has come down to my not knowing how to cultivate or look inward. Thus, I failed to find my attachments, which caused so many tribulations for me. 

Memorizing and Reciting the Fa 

After I was released from prison, a fellow practitioner asked me to recite the Fa. I recalled that I had a bad memory as a student. It always took me a lengthy period of time to memorize the textbooks I was required to memorize; otherwise I would have failed. As soon as the exam was over, I forgot all I had memorized. 

I had tried to memorize the Fa twice. One time, I stopped at page eight; the other time I stopped at page 11. So I was a bit afraid to try to memorize the Fa again. Last year, a fellow practitioner encouraged me repeatedly to memorize and recite the Fa. I also read many sharing articles about how other practitioners persisted in memorizing the Fa. On top of that, there were sharing articles about practitioners memorizing and reciting the Fa in the Minghui Weekly every week. Thus, I felt I had to resume memorizing the Fa. I also asked Master to help me, and to strengthen my righteous thoughts so I could finish memorizing Zhuan Falun this time. 

I set a target for myself – memorizing and reciting one paragraph every day. For a longer paragraph, I would split it into two to three days to finish. Sometimes it took me three days to memorize a medium length paragraph. Yet, sometimes I could memorize two paragraphs in one day, and sometimes I ended up memorizing five paragraphs in one day, if they were all short paragraphs. Each time I finished memorizing more paragraphs, I’d encourage myself by saying: “You improved, you improved again, and you must make a bigger step forward next time.” 

In thinking back, when I previously tried to memorize the Fa, I didn’t have a good balance between reading the Fa and memorizing the Fa. I used all my time to memorize the Fa and overlooked reading the Fa. Since I ended up only memorizing a little bit of Fa, I felt I studied very little Fa. Moreover, thought karma continuously interferred with me, plus, I had to work during the day; so I stopped memorizing the Fa. 

Sometimes I felt that memorizing the Fa was rather difficult. That thought karma kept interfering with me, saying: Don’t do it, it’s too hard.” This time, I said to it: “No, I have to continue to memorize it. I will not listen to you. I listened to you twice before and did wrong each time. The situation needs to be rectified this time.” Now I am on Lecture Six, and I’ll stick with it to the end – I’ll finish memorizing the Fa. 

I also read one lecture of Zhuan Falun after doing the exercises every morning. When I have time at noon, I’ll copy some Fa. I memorize the Fa after I send forth righteous thoughts at 10 p.m. Then I go to bed after the global sending righteous thoughts at midnight. 

Gradually, I felt that my mind became empty, my mind became clearer, and my thoughts stopped wandering all over the place. I also learned how to look inward. 

Practitioners Helped Me to Look Inward 

After I was released from prison, a practitioner said to me, “You have wasted all that time you were imprisoned during these few years.” I was speechless and dumbfounded. That kind of feeling was hard to describe. Right then, I thought I must learn how to look inward. Since then, every time I sent forth righteous thoughts, I always added one thought, which was: to eliminate every evil being and factor interfering with, blocking, or separating me from looking inward and assimilating to the Dafa. 

Meanwhile, I also cautioned myself not to say anything that could hurt practitioners’ feelings. I must learn how to look inward and become a true practitioner. 

Right then, I felt that regardless of what I thought, did, or said, there was something separating me from being assimilated into the Fa. Later on, through continuous Fa-study, I came to understand that, in the dark den and under such high pressure, the evil factors existing in my thoughts, body, and dimensional field wrapped me up, so I couldn’t think normally. Also because of my strong attachment to vanity, not wanting to be criticized, and only liking to hear pleasant things, I couldn’t take in what the other practitioners said to me. 

In thinking back, I feel grateful to those practitioners who helped me improve my xinxing.

Learning How to Look Inward and Rectifying Myself When I Stumble 

One day after I finished eating at home, I began to wash my bowl. Suddenly, I felt really bad. So I quickly tidied up the kitchen, then went to the washroom and vomited. When I stood up, I felt very dizzy and couldn’t stand still. I quickly leaned against the wall, then grabbed the door. Then, I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate every interfering factor trying to persecute me. 

After I calmed down, I began to look inward. Then I found my resentment towards another practitioner who is also my family member. I hated that she never cooked or took care of household chores. As I kept drilling further down and looking deeper, I found jealousy. Behind that, was my competitive mentality and feeling upset. I also didn’t like to do the cooking or household chores. Fundamentally, it came down to my attachment to ego, which was deeply hidden. 

I quickly sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate all these attachments that interfered with my rectifying myself. I came to understand that one person may be predestined to take care of something and another person may be predestined not to do something. One should not resent others, yet I just couldn’t hold my temper. Through this tribulation, I stopped resenting my family member. 

Discovering Attachment to Lust

One day, I went to a practitioner’s home to deal with something. As the cell phone was on and left in the room, for safety reasons, we used hand gestures to convey the message. Before I left, I whispered in his ear. Right then, he didn’t hear me well then he followed me outside. So I had to whisper again. After that, I got on my electric bicycle and left. When passing by a stinky ditch, I almost fell into it. I was caught off guard and became alerted immediately. 

Then I began to look inward to see what I did wrong. I realized I was interfered with by the demon of lust and behaved too casually with that male practitioner. On the surface, it appeared that since my cell phone was beside me, I had to whisper in his ear to avoid being monitored through the cell phone. And this casual movement was caught by the demon of lust. In essence, it came down to the demon of lust existing in my dimensional field. After I located it, I quickly sent forth righteous thoughts to dismantle it and rectify myself. Later, when I saw this practitioner again, I apologized to him. 

Now I’ve been doing the things I’m supposed to do to validate Dafa and balancing them well with my family life.