Finding Deeply Hidden Jealousy

(Minghui.org) Coronavirus was detected in our district in mid-March and our district was locked down. After the lockdown was lifted, I was told on my second day of returning to work that our company had decided to lay off staff. Our kitchen would only keep one head chef. I was a temporary worker who assisted the chef, so I lost my job. But my heart was not really moved by it because it has become very common for companies to lay off staff during the pandemic.

I went to work as usual during the last three days and did whatever I was supposed to do. On the last day, just before we started serving the meals, a co-worker said, “Sister, when the pandemic is over, everything will return to normal. If the company employs people again, I will come looking for you.” I laughed. “I mean it,” she continued. “Look at you, you have ingenuity and always do a clean, neat job. You also have good taste. And you are kind. You do not trample on your co-workers and you are not calculating.” The co-worker praised me into the air in one go. I started to think about what attachments this matter was trying to help me eliminate. We then started serving the meals, so I didn’t think about it further.

I went home and sent forth righteous thoughts. My legs were still in the meditation position and my eyes were still closed as I started to recall my co-worker’s words. What attachment was this incident trying to help me get rid of? Was that co-worker really trying to please and flatter me? It was unlikely because I was going to leave the job the next day so there was no need to do that. Was it because I have an attachment to showing off? It didn’t look like that either, since I have been doing things the same way all this time. Was it because I am willing to listen to people speak highly of me? It didn’t look like that either. She seemed quite sincere when she spoke, but I still felt uncomfortable when I heard what she said. If it was me, I wouldn’t just praise others like she did, and I wouldn’t be willing to compliment others. Why am I unwilling to compliment others? I immediately opened my eyes, and the word “Jealousy!” came out of my mouth.

Yes, I have always been unwilling to give others praise, and I am unwilling to compliment others. Even if I see someone’s good side, I will just keep it to myself and not say anything. I wouldn’t say something and be happy for others. I point out others’ problems and their shortcomings. And when I point out people’s shortcomings, I am very calm because I have this high-sounding reason, “What I am going to say may not sound very pleasing, or it may not be true, but my intention is good; I am doing it for your own good.”

Why do I feel uncomfortable when I speak about others’ merits? This is because: 

“People feel uneasy about others’ good fortune instead of being happy for them.” (The Seventh Talk, Zhuan Falun) 

Why am I so calm when I point out others’ shortcomings? Because I can settle that unbalanced heart of mine using the reasoning of “for your own good!” 

I often watch the live interviews after Shen Yun performances, and the overseas audiences have eloquent compliments for Shen Yun. Every program, every detail, that kind of admiration from the bottom of their hearts makes me feel as though I am there myself. I also know that Shen Yun is good, but when I really want to talk about it, I cannot think of many nice phrases to describe it. In the past, I had never thought deeply about it. I just kept thinking that this was because of my introverted personality and my lack of eloquence. But it was actually jealousy blocking me so that I could not and was unwilling to compliment others’ good deeds or compliment the merits of others.

Cultivation is really abstruse. In the sentient world, I lost my job. But through this experience, I managed to find a deeply hidden attachment that I had failed to discover for so many years. I will definitely get rid of it! Being grateful for all the people, all the good things and even all the bad things around me, is a good thing when we talk about cultivation.

I initially did not consider writing this article, because I felt like I kept going through tests over and over again and I kept dragging my feet about getting rid of attachments. So I dragged my feet for such a long time. But when I read practitioners’ cultivation sharing articles, they always inspire me. I also felt too selfish. So I wrote this down so that it may serve as a reminder to fellow practitioners who have similar attachments as mine.

Kindly correct me if there is any room for improvement.