Eliminating Layers of Jealousy
(Minghui.org) I obtained Dafa in 1993, and was able to attend two of Master’s Fa-teaching seminars.
Master especially discussed the issue of jealousy, “There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit—absolutely not. ” (Lecture Seven, Zhuan Falun)
I didn’t think that I was jealous before I practiced Falun Dafa. After I began cultivating, I realized I did have this attachment. But I felt ashamed, and didn’t want to admit it. Later on, I could face it, and gradually let go of it.
The first time I realized I had this attachment was in 1996. One day, a colleague's friend came to borrow the recordings of Master’s Fa-teaching. She wanted to take the recordings home, but I said, “Your husband doesn’t understand Dafa. I prefer that you to listen to them here at my home.”
After she left, something felt wrong. I realized that what I said was just an excuse. My real thoughts were: “I paid a lot to get the recordings, and I didn’t want to see her take the recordings at no cost; only when she also paid something would I feel better.” These thoughts scared me. Why did I have such bad thoughts?
I knew to look inward. At dusk that day, when I was riding my bicycle to the exercise site, I kept thinking: what was my attachment behind this incident? Competition? No. Showing off? No. Greed? No. Jealousy? Yes! When I detected jealousy in my heart, I felt a sense of relief. I knew I had found the correct attachment.
That evening, when I was practicing the second exercise and holding the law wheel overhead, I felt a thick shell roll down from the top of my head top. Then I saw an image of myself with a bald head. I knew that a shell of attachment was taken off my body in another dimension.
After I finished the exercises, I shared my experience with the other practitioners, but I only mentioned that “I found a bad heart in myself.” I didn’t mention it was a heart of jealousy, because I thought a jealous heart was very shameful, and it meant my morality was low. It wasn't until two months later that I admitted feeling “jealous” for the first time. I had gone home for a vacation, and shared it with my mother who was also a practitioner.
From then on, I remained alert to the issue of jealousy. And I didn’t feel I had any apparent attachment of jealousy again for a long time.
I am writing about this issue today because of a situation that happened over 10 days ago. It was small, but it reflected a big issue: that I hadn’t really let go of jealousy.
I saw a photo online of a fellow practitioner doing the sitting meditation with a very upright posture. I spent nearly 20 years and suffered a lot to be able to sit in the lotus position during the meditation, so seeing that photo left a deep impression on me. Afterwards, when I was doing the sitting meditation in the morning, I remembered that photo again, and thought, “That practitioner could only hold that posture at the start of the meditation, but couldn’t as she meditated longer.”
Fortunately, I immediately grabbed hold of that thought and reflected on it: Why did I think that way? Didn’t it mean that I don’t want to see others do well? Is it only when others have shortcomings, that I feel relieved? Wasn’t I feeling jealous again? I felt so ashamed.
Scenarios Depicting Jealousy
Scenario one: I was a good student in primary school. Some of my classmates always copied my homework, so they could always get a score of 100, and be praised. Although I let them copy my homework, I felt unhappy in my heart. It was not because they were cheating, but because they received praise without working as hard as I did. Now, I see that I already had a strong attachment of jealousy when I was so little.
Scenario two: It was in the 70s. At that time, passengers boarded the bus first, then the conductor asked them to buy tickets one by one. But often times the conductor didn’t realize some had newly boarded and hadn't paid for their ticket, and many of them didn’t buy a ticket of their own initiative. At that time, I always had a strong interest in letting the conductor know who hadn’t bought a ticket, not because their behavior was not good, but because I thought they took advantage of us. Wasn’t this also jealousy? And it was very strong.
Moreover, I rarely praised those who were outstanding in certain aspects, especially when they were bragging. I even didn’t want to look at them. The attachment of competition was there, but more importantly, the attachment of jealousy was also there.
Also, I realized that I always pointed out the problems in others. I could easily see the shortcomings in others; even when I passed advertisement signs, I often commented on their wording. Other practitioners often said they improved a lot after talking with me, but they also said I often exhibited a commanding attitude. Now, I realize that, although what I said was usually correct, my attitude of always focusing on others’ shortcomings was a problem.
When I took a step back and viewed this issue objectively, I realized that when I pointed out problems to others, my real thought was to use others’ mistakes to prove my own correctness. Was this tolerance and compassion?
I am not saying that we can’t point out the problems of others. As I am typing this experience-sharing article, I understand the mentality that a Dafa practitioner should have: see my own problem through others’ problems, and point out their problems from a truly altruistic standpoint, meanwhile silently working to make up for any shortcomings.
I feel that I removed one more layer of jealousy this time. I hope I can walk more steadily in my future cultivation, continuously assimilate to the universe's principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance, and gradually change into my true self.