My Ego Prevented Me from Truly Believing in Master and the Fa
(Minghui.org) For a long time, I had difficulty memorizing the Fa. As soon as I began, all kinds of human thoughts would surface. Thus, my progress was very slow; I could only memorize one paragraph a day. I felt discouraged and frustrated, but I could not make a breakthrough. I eventually gave up.
I wondered why something seemed to be separating me from the Fa and keeping me from melting into the Fa. It not only affected my ability to memorize, but also kept me from following through with Dafa projects. What was it?
Yesterday, I suddenly realized that, no matter what I was doing, I always thought: “I will get something done.” “I will study the Fa.” “I will do this or that.” I rarely asked for Master’s help, thinking it was tribulations on my cultivation path, and I should overcome it myself without bothering Master.
In everyday people’s eyes, I am a self-sufficient person who asks for no help. I brought this notion into cultivation. For example, I’m not willing to read the Fa with others, and I like to get things done by myself. If practitioners don’t reach out to me, I rarely reach out to them. If the coordinator hadn’t kept in touch with me all these years, I might have been in a state of solitary practice.
I felt my ego prevented me from melting fully into the Fa and putting myself in Master’s hands. This is actually a fundamental issue of whether or not I believed in Master and the Fa. Just like smelting gold always has a certain lack of purity, in my case there was always a contamination—my ego and selfishness.
Believing in Master and Dafa is also reflected in whether one can let go of attachments. Someone owed me a few hundred yuan (1 US$=6.56 Yuan). I couldn’t let it go and I asked her for it. She did not want to repay me. In the end, she did pay me back, but cut off all contact with me. My attachment to personal interest created a separation between us.
I asked myself: when I couldn’t let go of this attachment, why didn’t I turn to Master for help? If I followed Master's arrangements, what couldn’t I let go of?
I read a practitioner's experience sharing article about how she was beaten to the point where she lost all feeling in her body. She let go of life and death and put herself in Master's hands. Master restored her body, starting from her heart.
The difference was in how sincerely one believes in Master and the Fa.
I found the root cause of my years of cultivating in a depressed state—I did not truly believe in Master and the Fa and I was not able to completely put myself in Master’s hands. I made up my mind to strengthen my main consciousness every day and trust in Master.
Since then, the quality and quantity of my Fa memorization has changed greatly. I can memorize three to four pages a day. This is something I've never been able to do before.
This concludes my personal understanding. Please kindly point out anything improper.