Letting Go of Lust and Desire
(Minghui.org) My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We have few desires, so our married life is quite simple. In the early stages of my cultivation, there was almost no interference from lust, and I thought I did not have this attachment. It was thus easy to pass the test of lust and desire in a dream.
As my cultivation progressed however, and I reached different levels, different situations manifested. I started to imagine stories in my mind, thinking of myself as the main character in a romance. I knew it was not right. At first, I saw it as thought karma so I suppressed it. I spent more time studying the Fa and removed it with righteous thoughts. However, certain external environments or dreams would bring the lustful thoughts back. I could not remove them completely, and I knew I wasn’t making enough effort to do so.
Cultivation is like sailing against the current: If you don’t move forward, you will drift backward. Gradually, the attachment of lust and desire increased. One day four years ago, I was studying the Fa, and suddenly had a strange feeling in the private part of my body. It was very strong. Luckily I was alone at home. Gradually, the feeling went away. I kept on memorizing the Fa, so the situation did not happen again for a long time.
I visited my in-laws during the Chinese New Year that year. I happened to watch a television (TV) drama and found it interesting. After I came home, I continued to watch the drama, and finished watching the entire 60 episode series. This was the first time I had watched all of a series since I started practicing Dafa. After watching it, I felt incredibly guilty and full of regret. I decided I would never watch such things again.
But it didn’t last long. One day I realized that I could read electronic novels (e-novels) on my phone. My curiosity drove me to read some, and the situation quickly got out of hand. I was reading up to five novels a month. It took me three to five days to finish a novel.
I did not sleep much during that time, or do much of anything really, until I finished the book. When I was done reading, I could not stop imagining all kinds of romantic stories. Every time I tried to break out of this situation, I regretted it and vowed never to read e-novels again. But my main consciousness could not control myself, and I would soon read another novel.
I was at my wit’s end. What should I do? I felt unwell. I had chest tightness and was short of breath. I sometimes had to take three breaks to climb up to the sixth floor. My heart would shake, and I lacked the strength to do anything. I found it hard to move, and sweated a lot. It was painful.
Once, while I was walking I had a sudden realization, “The old forces are using the demon of lust to kill you! You can’t fall for that!” I then felt something going out from the right side of my chest.
That night I had a vivid dream. A monster-like man in a sky-blue suit was lying next to me, screaming in pain, “Is this the way to die? How can I die like this?” In my mind, I thought, “Go die! Go die!” I’ve felt much better since then. The sick feeling happened less frequently and was weaker, but it did not go away completely.
One morning I cried and wondered what I could do. How could I miss the rare chance to cultivate in Falun Dafa during the Dharma Ending Period? Master's words then came to my mind:
“The Fa can break all attachments, the Fa can destroy all evil, the Fa can shatter all lies, and the Fa can strengthen righteous thoughts.” (“Drive Out Interference,” Essentials for Further Advancement II)
I was enlightened. I spent more time memorizing the Fa. I looked inward when a poor cultivation state appeared. I found that the poor cultivation state was related to my attachment to seeking comfort. I tried to remove it.
Looking inward further, I found that I wanted to live the good life in the human world. The romantic love I imagined was part of this comfortable life. This desire was related to human notions. After four years of cultivation, it seemed that all my efforts had failed to solve this lust problem at the root.
I read a sharing article on the Minghui website early this year. A fellow practitioner with an open celestial eye saw that another practitioner, who read e-novels, was tied to a chair. Her body emitted filthy things and was devoured by snakes. I was shocked. I stopped reading e-novels after that.
Soon I had a vivid dream in which I was kneeling before Master, who pointed at me and asked, “Do you think you can pass this test?”
I thought to myself, “The lust test has been dragging on for so long. Now Master is here, and can help me.” So I firmly answered, “Yes!”
“Do you still read e-novels?” Master asked. I replied, “It’s been a long time since I last read one.”
Master said, “This is the first warning for you.” I nodded vigorously. Master continued, “Many others should be warned too.”
The next night I had another dream. A man I knew was lying on my bed covered with my blanket. He pulled me onto the bed with him. I looked at him and said, “This won't do.” I got up and left.
I have changed drastically since then. The lustful thoughts are gone, and the sensitive parts of my body don’t respond anymore. I have no interest in e-novels and TV dramas. I ultimately destroyed the control of the lust demon and dealt with the lust test. All the discomfort in my body is gone. I’ve returned to the normal, pure state that a cultivator should have.
I sincerely thank Master. I am so sorry that I did not have a strong enough willpower. It took me four years to pass this test. It was so scary to think that I received Master’s warning. I was in danger.
I am sharing this process so that fellow practitioners could learn lessons from my experience.