The Lesson I Drew From My Love Affair
(Minghui.org) I started to practice Falun Dafa in 1997. Since then, I have lived by Dafa's principles as best as I could, yet I fell short in many ways.
I had always held the belief that if we can love whoever we want, our life would be worth living. This thought amplified my emotions towards men. Ultimately, it was used to attack me.
Last year, after watching a romantic movie, my face was covered in tears. Some of the scenes lingered in my mind, and I had the thought, “It’s a shame my first love and I couldn't stay together.”
Soon after that, I got a call from him. We went over all the reasons why we didn’t stay together back then. Our conversation triggered a desire to want to see him again. My attachment to sentimentality arose, and this desire became a major test for me.
While in meditation, I saw a spider web wrapping around me. It got so tight that I could hardly breathe. I realized that I was getting wrapped up by “the silk of emotion.” I was unable to give up my pursuit for the relationship.
Master Li said,
“I’ve said that however high a person’s character is, that’s how high his gong is. So when that guy’s character dropped he couldn’t be given that much gong, as it had to be given in proportion to his character—however high his character was, that’s how high his gong was.” (The Third Talk, Zhuan Falun)
My inner eye closed soon afterward, but I did not take heed of the warning.
We talked a few times, and I decided to fly to China to visit him. The next day, I fell going down the stairs at home. I got a big black and blue bruise on my waist. Without a thought, I went straight to the hospital to get it looked at. They instructed me to do physical therapy until it healed.
Right after I left the hospital, I felt someone push me from behind while stepping off the sidewalk. I landed flat on my face with all four limbs sprawled out. I rolled over to see who had pushed me, but there was no one there. Both knees were bleeding, so I rushed back to the hospital for bandaging. This fall also failed to wake me up.
The next morning, I thought of him while going down the stairs and again felt someone push me. Down I went, landing on my previous wounds.
I went back to the hospital. The doctor thought that I might have something wrong with my brain and advised a CT scan. I went and didn't even pause to think about it. Because I am a Dafa disciple, of course, everything was fine.
Even after four trips to the hospital, I still couldn't admit what was at the root of my ordeal.
Next, my whole body became covered with what appeared to be chickenpox. When I told my former lover about the latest “accident,” he urged me to go back to the hospital. While thinking about my love affair, my face then broke out with painful bumps. After a fifth trip to the hospital, it slowly improved.
Soon afterward, my hands and feet swelled up and became extremely itchy as if they had been bitten by insects. This lasted for about a week.
I finally started to see that I was wrong to be pursuing a relationship with him. I said to Master's image, “Master, I know I am wrong. I won't allow myself to be controlled by my emotions any longer.”
When sitting in meditation, I saw a famous deity sweep me with his broom. Then he became very small and knelt down in front of Master's image. Seeing this, I also knelt down to thank Master.
This episode pushed me to start my cultivation anew. I had been afraid that Master wouldn't take care of me any longer. I couldn't even face his image. While listening to his lecture video in Jinan, an example raised by Master woke me up. The story said that a lay Buddhist did not know the principles of Dafa, so she made a big detour; after she learned Dafa, she caught up quickly.
I then decided to cultivate diligently. I now get up early every morning to practice the five exercises and study the Fa.
On the surface, I had let go of my attachment to having a relationship with him. But deep down, I was still struggling with it. One morning, as I began the sitting meditation, I saw Master holding a black wooden stick with the head of a fish carved on it. His expression was very serious. He hit the ground in front of me with the stick. The sound of it shook me to the core.
Then he cut open the stick to reveal a black and copper Buddha statue inside. Gradually the black color faded and a beautiful golden Buddha statue appeared before my eyes. Master was giving me another hint. I needed to completely remove the black substances and human notions that drove me to pursue the relationship.
“There’s a law in our universe: when it comes to what you seek, nobody is going to intervene. If you want something, nobody is going to intervene. My Law Bodies will try to stop you and they’ll give you hints. But when they see that you keep being like that they’ll give up on you—how could anyone force a person to cultivate? Nobody can make you cultivate, force you to cultivate. It’s you who can really make progress happen. If you don’t want to improve, nobody can do anything.” (The Sixth Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I encountered huge interference while writing this article. Bad thoughts appeared in my mind, and I had to stop frequently and send righteous thoughts to eliminate the interference.
I called my former love and told him, “If it was not for cultivation, I wouldn't give up the relationship I've struggled to keep alive. But the path I walk is one for cultivation in Dafa and, as a cultivator, I have to apply a higher standard to myself. I can't build my happiness on the suffering of others.”
While in meditation, I saw us standing on opposite ends of a steel bridge. My thoughts turned into a steel chainsaw, and I sawed the bridge in half. I then saw myself sitting on a cloud and floating up through the gap in the severed bridge. I felt relaxed and wonderful.
When I finished writing this sharing, I heard a sound that shook the cosmos. My right hand slowly floated up, and a beautiful stream of lotus flowers shot out from my palm. That experience was indescribable. I knew that Master was encouraging me.
With Master's help and Dafa's guidance, I regained my character and kept my family whole. I am truly thankful to Master!