(Minghui.org) I started practicing Falun Dafa many years ago, but was unable to cultivate diligently. I was almost lost in the maze of the everyday world. I wanted to share my experiences and expose my shortcomings, which I hope will benefit fellow practitioners.

Attachment of Showing Off

My grandparents disliked me because I was a girl. They often looked down on me, which made me feel inferior. When I was a child, my family had a hard life. My parents worked long hours on the farm, and most of the time, I wandered around by myself in the fields with an empty stomach.

I felt very lonely and longed for attention. So when I grew up, I liked to be praised, hoped people would agree with me, and wanted acknowledgment from others. All of these come from the attachment of seeking approval.

Deep in my heart, I was afraid of a hard life. I wanted to pursue the “good life” that ordinary people envy. As a result, my attachments of showing off and jealousy were unavoidable. I did not recognize their existence for a long time.

Because I did not realize the existence of my attachments, my cultivation was stuck in a bad cycle. I tried to do good things with good intentions to get people's approval, but was usually misunderstood and disliked instead. I didn't know why. I often complained about my unfortunate fate. I struggled to endure the bitter results, but my human heart was moved and I felt pain. I thought those were my arranged tribulations on the path of cultivation, which I could not avoid. I didn't realize that the root cause of these problems were my attachments and human notions.

Master Li Hongzhi said,

“You will be made to give up all of the worldly attachments that you hold onto. Any and all attachments you have must be ground down, and it will take place through any of a number of scenarios where you will be made to stumble or do poorly, and from these come to new spiritual insights.” (The Fourth Talk, Zhuan Falun)

Master arranged many opportunities for me to improve by exposing my problems. But I didn't realize this. I tried to show off at every opportunity. Every move in my life was unconsciously seeking attention and approval.

By exposing them today, I am determined to remove them. I want to eradicate these bad notions and cleanse myself with the principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance.

Influence of the Communist Party Culture

A fellow practitioner called me about a problem she had. I thought we should meet and discuss it. When we met, she had already recognized and corrected her problem. Instead of discussing her problem, I shared my understanding of some other issues. She pointed out that I was still under the influence of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) culture.

I was shocked. I hated the CCP, which persecutes Falun Dafa practitioners. How could I demonstrate CCP culture? The practitioner said the reason I hadn't recognized the cause of my behavior was I hadn't read the book the Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party.

She was right. I had a soft heart and could not stand the miserable facts about the bloody doctrine of communism. The sadistic attitude of communist heroes in propaganda movies caused a negative psychological impact on me. So I didn't want to learn modern Chinese history. The Nine Commentaries on the Communist Party talks about that period of history. The facts about the brutal killings by the CCP frightened me. So I put the book down after reading a few pages.

Actually, the dark minions of the CCP were afraid of the book and took advantage of my weakness in character to hide themselves in my dimension. They hindered me from diligent cultivation. After I realized this, I listened to a recording of the Nine Commentaries. I wanted to improve wholly and quickly and eliminate the party culture's influence.

I then realized how the CCP party culture had influenced me. Under the CCP's influence, people learn how to protect themselves, appear agreeable in front of others, gain benefits from all sides, and act sophisticated in relationships. These “selfish skills” are detrimental to one's cultivation.

When I studied the Fa, I expected that I would benefit in the future, go to a better place, reach enlightenment, and become a Buddha. Although this is the goal of cultivation, we should assimilate to the Fa with a pure heart instead of with the attachments of pursuit and zealotry.

When I did something to validate the Fa, I couldn't stop thinking that I would be rewarded for these good deeds and my Gong (cultivation energy) would increase. My motivation was self-interest, not compassion toward truly wanting to help save people.

After writing this article, I felt that I had sloughed off an outer shell. Those remnants of zealotry and pursuit are gone. I have developed compassion and concern for the safety of sentient beings.

I must cultivate well to assist Master in the Fa-rectification and rescue more lives from the cycle of indoctrination perpetuated by the CCP.