(Minghui.org) As a Falun Gong practitioner I try very hard to improve my xinxing, although it is rather difficult.
My husband and I live with his parents. We are able to get along well most of the time, but there are times and opportunities for me to improve my xinxing.
Once we prepared dumplings and were ready to cook them. After I put kindling in the stove, I was about to light the fire with a lighter.
“You may want to turn on the induced-draft fan first,” said my mother-in-law. I was upset by her words, thinking I would light the stove first instead of bowing to her orders. So I ignored her words and continued lighting the stove.
Realizing that I was not listening to his mother, my husband turned on the fan and asked me why I ignored his mother. I did not look at him and tried to suppress my anger, “Stop it, or I will explode.”
My husband was angry and shouted at me, “What's wrong with you?! You know the fan should be on first, right?” I just bit my tongue and kept quiet.
After cooking the dumplings, I asked my parents-in-law and husband to eat, and went back to my room because I did not have an appetite.
Later I shared this with other practitioners and two of them said I was too stubborn. “Your ego is strong,” one of them commented. I thought about what happened and had to agree with them. I had thought I was able to look within, but apparently it was proven otherwise.
“We Do Not Need a Supervisor There”
After practitioners in the nearby countryside were arrested, we often went to help their families, especially during busy harvest season in the fall. This worked well, and some family members who did not understand practitioners earlier changed their attitude and became supportive.
One time I asked another practitioner whether we should go and offer help again. “You do not need to go this year,” he replied, “Since we do not need a supervisor there.” I was upset and complained to him, saying that every time I had to make all the arrangements. Plus, I worked harder and longer than anyone else.
After that practitioner left, I thought about the issue and realized that I had been wrong. I should have looked inward unconditionally, which I didn't. After all, I did not do things for fame and I should thank that practitioner for pointing out my problem.
I found myself able to accept to criticism from practitioners who often work with me. If someone who was not involved in coordination work tried to talk to me, I would not listen.
Recently I spent lots of time taking care of a practitioner who experienced a physical tribulation. I did many things together with her including studying the Fa, doing the exercises, and sending forth righteous thoughts. I also exchanged my understandings with her. Both she and her husband were very thankful. On the other hand, some practitioners who seldom participated in it made suggestions about how to handle things.
I felt bad initially and thought that I had handled this situation well and those suggestions were not needed. Later on I found I had the attachment of jealousy and resentment. I did not really look within or accept criticism.
One practitioner from another city has been working in my city for a number of years. Because of putting up posters related to Falun Gong, he was arrested. Some practitioners and I tried to rescue him, contacted his family, and hired a lawyer. In the end, he was able to get out of the detention center after four months and returned to his city.
A practitioner later told me that this practitioner invited several practitioners for dinner before leaving. “Why didn't he invite me?” I asked. “Why should he?” the practitioner responded with a smile.
I thought about it and realized that I had been doing things to seek acknowledgment or being recognized. It is true that I helped with rescuing that practitioner, but that is something I needed to do, regardless of whether that person was grateful.
One practitioner told me one day that she had just realized it is critical for a practitioner to have a sense of responsibility. I agree with her and knew that I needed to do better.