What Happened When I Forgot to Cultivate My Speech
(Minghui.org) I began practicing Falun Dafa before July 20, 1999. Even though I did the three things every day I often forgot to use a practitioner's standard to be strict with myself. I still had many attachments, especially not guarding my speech.
I watched my granddaughter do her homework. She was not focused and only wanted to play. I told her, “If you don't study well you'll end up like your father who can only drive a car for a living.” She repeated my words to her father and my daughter and son-in-law had a fight because of what I said. I did not look inward for my omissions or remember that I should cultivate my speech.
A few days later I suddenly felt nauseous and had chest pains which kept getting worse. After an hour, my limbs were weak and I started to sweat. I could no longer stand up and I wanted to vomit. I realized that the old forces saw that I hadn't guarded my xinxing and planned to use my omission to persecute me. I immediately started to send forth righteous thoughts. I reminded myself that I'm a Falun Dafa practitioner and I asked Master to protect me. Even if I had omissions I would rectify myself so that the old forces had no excuse to persecute me. After a while I felt better.
When I looked inward I realized that I did not have compassion and I looked down on others. I had looked down on my husband for a long time and always noticed his shortcomings. I looked down on my son-in-law even more. The reason I criticized him to my granddaughter was because I deeply disliked him. He often went to restaurants, drank, smoked and hung out with his friends who were just like him. He did not do any work at home and had a bad temper. Neither my husband nor I liked him and I felt sorry for our daughter. If I didn't practice Falun Dafa, I probably would have interfered in their marriage and caused them to divorce.
After I began practicing I understood that they might have a karmic relationship and were settling a debt from another lifetime. Although I understood the Fa principles, I did not truly improve myself within the Fa and my mindset was still at the level of everyday people. In my heart, I still looked down on my son-in-law. I knew that I should look inward, but as soon as I thought of him, I felt unsettled and I could barely talk. I realized that if I did not truly look inward my negative thoughts would interfere again.
I started to send forth righteous repeatedly. I refused to acknowledge that I was “ill”. I asked Master to strengthen me and I reminded myself, “I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. No one is worthy of testing me. I'm here to help Master and save people.”
After I finished sending forth righteous thoughts, I looked inward continuously. I found that I did not regard my son-in-law as part of my family. Whenever I thought of him my first reaction was to look down on him. My main concern was to give my daughter a little peace. This attitude was not only selfish, but also differentiated between people. I did not cultivate truthfulness. I was a hypocrite. This was a manifestation of communist party culture deeply hidden in me and I did not realize it. The Party culture was intertwined in my thoughts and actions.
I remembered Master's teaching,
“It’s because they are overemphasizing the physical aspect of practice, to the neglect of its spiritual component.” (The First Talk, Zhuan Falun)
I reminded myself that I needed to pay attention to rectifying myself and truly get rid of my attachments such as hatred, favoring one person over another, and not paying attention to speech. Since he married my daughter he must have a predestined relationship with me. I should truly treat him like my own son, care for him and help him with compassion. This is the way a practitioner should behave. When I thought it through, I felt my heart open up and the congested feeling completely disappeared. All the symptoms vanished. I realized that when I looked inward and identified my attachment Master dissolved my tribulation.
This tribulation helped me understand that cultivation is very serious. Even when we do not do the three things, we are still Dafa disciples and we need to reflect the Fa's principles of Truthfulness-Compassion-Tolerance in our everyday lives. We should not have conflicts with non-practitioners. During this last stage of our cultivation journey, we should truly cultivate ourselves within the Fa, look inward unconditionally and keep up with the progress of Fa-Rectification. We should be truly worthy of Master's compassionate salvation.