Excerpts from My Diary: Falun Dafa Led Me Out of Depression, Anxiety, and Confusion
(Minghui.org) When organizing my room, I came across a diary I had begun to write over 20 years ago. Flipping through the pages, I recalled the days when I first heard about Falun Dafa.
A Troubled Upbringing Left Me Empty and Confused
With tears covering my face, I began to write this diary when I was 18. That day, my mother, who was always kind and hardworking, had a big fight with my grandmother. In the end, my grandmother decided to move out.
I cried so hard not only because of the family conflict, but also due to long time depression I had not acknowledged. Ever since my childhood, my parents dreamed that their only daughter would go to a good college and succeed in life. Millions of families had the dream, and we were no exception. But, I always under-performed in major exams. What devastated me was that my parents blamed me, instead of giving me comfort or empathy. So at the age of 18, I graduated from high-school and looked for a job.
By then, I already lived in the shadows for six years, ever since failing to be enrolled in a decent middle school, I had to bear the frustration with the knowledge of perpetual failure. Instead of starting my campus life, I had to step into society. I felt unprepared and was filled with anxiety. My low self-esteem also made me fragile and hypersensitive.
I faced the same routine day after day. However, I had not given up, on my dream, but studied in my spare time, hoping to earn an advanced degree. I was tired of failure, and I yearned for success so that people would not look down on me.
When an aunt recommended a marketing opportunity, I believed her and began to invest. After receiving a pile of useless products, I realized I had been deceived and decided not to cheat others like she did. That company was soon shut down for multilevel marketing and I lost more than 3,000 yuan, which was not a small amount for me. The aunt who introduced me, on the other hand, was able to recoup her investment. Whenever I thought about her taking advantage of my trust and betraying me, negative feelings would arise. I would never forgive her, I thought. Meanwhile, I also blamed myself for being so naive.
That was late 1990s. By then, honesty was no longer valued—those who were honest were often considered weak or useless. With a strong desire to succeed rather than becoming a victim, I learned to be tough.
I ran into a middle-aged woman when riding a bike. It was hard to tell if it was my fault or her fault. Instead of apologizing, however, I immediately yelled at her loudly, criticizing her. The woman tried to explain, but seeing me like this, she walked away. With my initial success of being tough, I had a joy of accomplishment – finally I could win, too.
But subconsciously, I was confused: Is this really what I want? Is this how life is supposed to be? My confusion was expressed in my diary. “Where is the sky that belongs to me?” “Where can I find the guidance for my life?” Between the lines, there was a young mind—lost, struggling, and suffering. I hoped to find an answer, but there was none.
Falun Dafa Rescues My Family, Starting with My Mother
I noticed mother beginning to change in the summer of 1997. Every morning, she would go out earlier than normal and later came back with fresh produce from the farmer's market. But somehow, she looked young and energetic, and she smiled more often. Out of curiosity, I asked her what happened. She said friends and neighbors had recommended a qigong system called Falun Dafa to her.
Mother attended the group exercise every morning. She also shared with me what she learned from time to time. She explained that as a practitioner one should follow the principles Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. She also said that Master Li, the founder of Dafa, had given lectures to the public in Beijing back in 1992.
“Remember?” she recalled. “I went to Beijing that year. How I wish I could have known this at that time! Had I read Zhuan Falun earlier, I would not have argued with your grandmother.”
Those words were plain and simple, but they touched my heart. Although mother was stubborn, she was a kind person and often treated others well, including my grandmother. In fact, they had never argued. I never thought she would now be someone so generous and considerate of others. Seeing mother like this, I was happy for our family.
Freed of Society's Pressure to Pursue Selfish Gain
Thus, I also began to read Falun Dafa teachings in my spare time. To me, those books were special and they were different from other books I had read. In fact, I did not know much about cultivation practice and it was difficult for me to understand it. Nonetheless, after reading Master Li's books, I did remember the words Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I thought that, this is something good and I should follow them too. From then on, my mind was no longer gloomy.
Then, I faced a test in July 1998. Merchandise was missing at my workplace and it was valued at over 3,000 yuan. Three people responsible for it would take up the loss and I was one of them. This was not trivial for me. In my diary, I wrote down my sadness and worries. But different from the past, I became considerate of others. I knew I needed to pay for it.
Meanwhile, when analyzing this incident, I knew I was the one least responsible for the loss. But considering the other two coworkers, I decided not to argue about it. After all, Master talked about the importance of letting go of personal gains. Despite the bitterness in my mind, I still chose to follow Master's words. Surprisingly, right after this incident, I became a manager and had a pay increase. I understood that Master was encouraging me for making the right decision.
So I began to read all of the Falun Dafa books. I also put book covers on these books, as they were precious for me. Whenever video lectures would be given at a practitioner's home, mother and I would go there together to watch.
I remember clearly one evening that we went to an auntie's home to watch the nine-day video lecture. It was a full house every day and we were all very quiet during the lecture. Every day after the lecture, I would go home happily. Remembering those days now, I realize how fortunate I was to become a practitioner!
With Purity of Mind, Came Body Purification
When I was younger, I often had stomach problems, which happened whenever I was nervous. It was extremely painful. By the time I got to the doctor's office, however, I would feel fine. The doctor could not explain it or treat it. When the pain lasted longer it was diagnosed as gallstones. Mother thought about it a lot and was still reluctant to have me undergo surgery.
Then, someone recommended that I join a certain qigong. Mother thought I should try it. But in spite of money spent on it, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I also experienced severe fatigue and could barely walk. After I started to cultivate in Falun Dafa, I realized that this qigong was fake – probably some kind of animal possession.
There was another incident detailed in my diary. It was an incident of sickness karma on March 11, 1999, a sunny day. While at work, I suddenly felt uncomfortable – a mixture of cold and dizziness. I leaned next to the heating pipe in my office wondering if it was adjustment of my physical body as described in Zhuan Falun. After I went home after work, mother noticed it and asked me about it. I said I did not want to eat and needed some sleep. Then I went to bed and slept. Interestingly, upon waking the next morning, I was fine, relaxed and comfortable. I knew I did the right thing by not treating it as an illness. Had it been illness, I would not have recovered so quickly. Plus, this time I was unusually comfortable afterwards—I believed it was Master purifying my body.
Since then, I could walk up and down the stairs much easier. Considering my previous difficulty when walking, I was impressed that everything said by Master Li was occurring. I thus became even more determined in practicing Falun Dafa.