No Longer in Despair
(Minghui.org) There was a time when I was busy most of the time, wasn’t doing the three things well every day, and always felt pressure to improve. I believed that I wasn't good enough and thought, “I don’t have much hope of reaching the standard of a Dafa disciple. If I can’t consummate (reach enlightenment), I am clarifying the truth to people in vain.”
I was living in despair and thought about giving up at times. But when my mind was clear, I didn’t want to give up. I just couldn’t balance well the relationship between clarifying the truth and doing my farm work. I felt powerless. Sometimes I felt better about it, sometimes worse. As a result, I couldn’t study the Fa with a calm mind and couldn’t maintain my xinxing well. I even lost myself in watching TV, which led to taking in more bad thoughts. I went back and forth, sometimes feeling regretful and vowing to change, and sometimes being recommitted again. I felt really stuck!
Something Master Li Hongzhi said came to mind after I had a negative thought one day:
“At birth, one is assimilated to the characteristic of the universe.” (Lecture One, Zhuan Falun)
I realized from this that the bad thoughts were not from the real me, so I could overcome them.
Saving the People Around Me
Since I did not have time to venture too far from home, I started clarifying the facts in my own neighborhood. There were many people near me who were not yet aware of the truth. I also carried a radio and truth-clarification materials with me while I did my farm work.
I sometimes broadcast Master’s Li's lectures, sometimes played The Ultimate Goal of Communism, sometimes broadcast traditional culture programs, and at other times I played Shen Yun songs. Though I couldn’t always focus on listening, it was better than nothing.
While chatting with a neighbor one day, she reminded me that I had not turned on my radio. When I turned it on, they listened with interest. Some people also worried about my safety and cautioned, “Keep the volume a little lower.” However, a few neighbors accepted my materials.
At home, I also shared some of Master's quotes with my husband. For example, “Returning to tradition, that is the path that leads to heaven” (“Re-creation”)
I told him a traditional story and about how the Communist Party is destroying traditional culture. I also told him how Dafa teaches us to be good people. My husband has since stopped arguing with others to benefit himself and has become more considerate, and excuses those who treat us poorly. He has also seen that since I began practicing Falun Dafa, I have become more considerate than others, including his relatives.
He has changed from being against my cultivating and clarifying the truth to now supporting me. He also realizes that human beings are created by Gods, not through evolution.
My mother-in-law likes to fight to gain benefits for herself. She regards this as a special ability, and she wanted me to be more like her. I never liked to argue however. After comparing me to others one day, my mother in-law told me, “You are a good person, so you will have good rewards in the future.”
One night my mother said while watching the news on New Tang Dynasty TV, “They don’t look like poor people, and they said nothing wrong.” (She used to have the notion that practitioners dressed poorly and were poor.) She then asked me if, after reciting “Falun Dafa is good,” should she also recite, “Master Li is good?” I replied, “Yes, and also recite, ‘Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance is good!’”
In the past, relatives on my parents’ side dared not to take brochures about Falun Dafa, but now they readily accept them.
In the process of following Master’s teachings and looking inward, I realized that my attitude toward some officials and police personnel was wrong. Although I told them that Falun Dafa is good, my attitude was not that of kindly clarifying the truth to help offer salvation to these people.
Instead, my attitude was more argumentative, with a fighting spirit. This is actually part of the Party culture. My lack of compassion resulted in losses for myself and my family, had negative effects on the people around us, and caused those who participated in the persecution to commit sins. I regretted this deeply and wanted to apologize to them. I didn’t cultivate well and didn’t save them.
I hoped that if I met them again I could apologize for my attitude and exhibit more compassion. I no longer hated those who had hurt my family, but instead felt pity for them. I thought about how I could help enlighten them so that they could also reach a higher moral standard.
She Came to Me for the Truth
One night, I came home from the fields after dark. Someone knocked on my door soon after I closed it. I thought that it must be a government official or a police officer because they had tried to find me a few days earlier. I opened the door without thinking and was ready to clarify the truth.
I saw a black shadow in front of me and asked, “Who are you?” She said she was the person who sold flour twists. Then she whispered in my ear, “Last time I saw you, you gave me some information. I wanted to get some more for other people.” I couldn’t see her face, so I said that I did not have any. She saw that I was worried, so she reminded me about what happened when we previously spoke, and what she said was correct.
I gave her the book The Ultimate Goal of Communism, which I had kept for myself to read. She was a bit hesitant, so I thought that perhaps that was not enough. I told her to come back in a few days, and I would look for more materials for her. She agreed.
I was touched that a woman came from so far away in the dark just to get some truth-clarifying materials. I thought to myself, “Why was I so overly concerned about whether or not I could reach consummation? I should just try my best to rectify myself in the Fa and reach out to people to clarify the truth no matter what the result.”
Thanks to Master for rectifying me, for sending predestined people to me, and for giving me hope. I am no longer in despair. Under Master’s immense compassion, I feel everything is changing!