Conquering Depression and Renewing My Commitment to Save People
(Minghui.org) I was released from a brainwashing session in the summer of 2016. All my Dafa books, computer, cell phone, ID, money, and bank cards had been taken, and I was left penniless. In the brainwashing facility, while under intense pressure, I gave in and wrote the three-statements to give up practicing Falun Dafa. For six months, I was filled with remorse and I could not get over my depression.
Encouraged by my family and fellow practitioners, I eventually returned home and started phoning judiciary employees to clarify the facts about the persecution.
Passive and Depressed
Back in 2014, I was one of the coordinators for our local project to phone people that worked at the police station, the courts, and the procuratorate. After I was released from the brainwashing center in 2016, I realized how important it was to contact them. By reaching out to them, we were not only saving the perpetrators and stopping acts of persecution, we were also rescuing other practitioners.
Last year, two more teams were established in our area. The local coordinator asked my family to participate soon after I was released from the brainwashing center. When they discussed the project, however, they did it in another room with the door shut.
They did not ask me to help. I was very sad and depressed, and I blamed myself. I thought that, because I had signed the statements renouncing Falun Dafa in the brainwashing center, I was not considered trustworthy enough to participate in the project.
A few years before, I had worked with two practitioners in their 70s to make phone calls to judicial department personnel. We worked well together and our team had the best results. But this time I was not asked to help. I cried for several days.
One day, I remembered something Master said in “Fa-Teaching Given to the Australian Practitioners.” The idea was that, if others were unwilling to work with someone because they thought he was a spy, he could still save people by handing out pamphlets. That is, even though I was not allowed to help with this project, I could still go out and talk to people. Since everyone came here to be saved, wasn't it my responsibility to reach out to them?
So I decided to start by phoning people. But when I picked up the phone, my mind went blank.
I went to the Minghui website for suggestions about what to say. But most people still hung up after I'd said just a sentence or two. I wasn't even able to tell them about Falun Dafa or suggest that they withdraw from the Party.
I was very upset and thought, “I have done something so wrong that I’ve lost the privilege of saving people! What should I do?”
I used to attend the local Fa-study group with my family. But after they started to clarify the truth to judicial department employees, my family created a separate Fa-study group and did not invite me to attend.
I went to the local group Fa-study alone. Each time, I was asked about my family. I felt uncomfortable and searched within: I found that I was attached to depending on my family and having a good reputation. I was also worried that local practitioners knew what I had done in the brainwashing center and that I would lose face. I could not settle down.
Whenever my family members returned from talking to the judicial staff, they shut the door and talked privately. I cried in my room. I asked Master: “Master, I made a mistake, but I want to correct myself and do better. How should I start?”
I cried so hard that there were dark circles under my eyes. I avoided my family, and they were also very careful about what they said to me and how they treated me.
I became so depressed that I sometimes slept for several days at a time. If I was asked to get up, I burst into tears and shouted to be left alone. I refused to do the exercises with my family. I knew the evil was putting bad thoughts into my mind, and I tried to eliminate them. Although I was no longer in jail, I felt like I was still being persecuted.
“[The bad people] produce fake scriptures, don’t allow students to sleep, fabricate charges, frame up students, spread lies, and so on. Being threatened severely, deceived, and pressured greatly by all those indecent means, some students have written things like the so-called "guarantees to stop practicing" or "statements of repentance" when they were not in their right minds and forced. None of those were genuine expressions from the students’ hearts—they were done against their will. Although they had attachments, were momentarily taken advantage of by the evil, and did what a cultivator should not, a cultivator ought to be looked at in his entirety. I do not recognize any of those things. When they return to their senses, they will immediately start doing again what a Dafa student should do during this time, and, in the meantime, will declare as null and void everything that they said and wrote when they were not in their right minds due to intense persecution, and will declare that they are determined in cultivation.” (“Coercion Cannot Change People’s Hearts” from Essentials for Further Advancement II)
When I read this passage, I had tears in my eyes. I thought, “I am Master’s disciple. Since Master denied all this, I will, too! Getting tangled up in the cycle of blaming myself and regret are human notions. I won’t keep going along with this. Nothing can keep me from getting over my depression and firmly cultivating myself!”
From then on, I stopped sleeping excessively.
The next day, after I came home from group Fa-study, one my family members said, “The coordinator asked if you could come with us to clarify the truth to judicial personnel. You have been assigned to our team to join the weekend Fa-study group. Please come with us next week.”
I silently thanked Master: I knew it was his arrangement.
That night, three people who worked for the judiciary agreed to quit the Party’s organizations after listening to our team’s calls.
A few years ago I helped an elderly practitioner write a short essay to expose the persecution. She told me, “Do you know that Master has granted you a divine pen? You should use it well.”
Encouraged by her words, I had written several articles. After being released from the brainwashing center, however, fear kept me from writing any more.
This time I wrote an article about how I was persecuted. As I wrote, I could feel my fear being dissolved and completely eliminated.
So I started to write again. I wrote articles exposing the persecution, articles for rescuing arrested practitioners, a script for our phone call team, and text messages to help rescue arrested practitioners. I also wrote a legal statement text message about the “Knocking on Doors Campaign” that was being carried out by police officers nationwide, and I sent it out every day.
As I write this article, I am filled with gratitude for Master. The only thing I can do is to cherish my time, solidly cultivate myself, and do my utmost to save people. I have to walk well on this final path and hold tight to Master’s hand to return home.