Facing the Deeper Issues Behind Lingering Doubts
(Minghui.org) Since last year, I have noticed that something was lacking in me and my cultivation. When I studied the Fa, my mind was not clear and pure, and I struggled to grasp the Fa's deeper meanings. When I sent righteous thoughts, I was interfered with by my human notions, unable to reach a tranquil state.
I began practicing Falun Dafa in 1996, when a friend of mine recommended it to me over a Buddhist practice I had started. During the first few years of my practice in Dafa, it was a peaceful period for me, as I overcame my doubts, passed numerous xinxing tests, and gradually became a steadfast practitioner.
When the CCP's persecution of Falun Gong began in 1999, I was able to remain steady and disciplined myself well for the most part. I participated in many projects while following Master's teachings closely.
However, recently I saw that in my heart I was not as diligent as I was in the beginning, and discovered that this was due to an attachment that I had to the conclusion of the Fa-rectification.
Similar to another practitioner's sharing on Minghui, I had a dream that I was in a filthy place, unable to find my way home. In my dream, I failed to pass my final exam.
After looking inward, I found many attachments and shortcomings that I had ignored in the past.
Seeing My Attachments
I found that I did not have the proper respect toward Master. When he appeared older in a photo I had seen, I developed doubt in the Fa teachings, wondering how this could be: Didn't Master say practitioners would look younger with practice?
While studying the Fa lectures and reading Hong Yin poems, whenever I saw mention of the end of Fa-rectification, I would check the date of publication: Didn't Master say this would end soon? Why hasn't it happened yet?
At the time I was unaware of the obstacle created by not trusting in the Fa and not having true faith in Master. Practitioners usually don't share such things, perhaps out of fear of being looked down upon, and instead we tend to bury these things in our hearts.
Also, when reading sharing articles by other practitioners, I realized that I gave too much weight to their understandings. Certainly, they had helped and inspired me in many ways. But I now saw that I spent too much time reading them, especially articles expressing practitioners' higher understandings of the Fa, or sharing scenes in other dimensions seen through the celestial eye. I developed a sense of excitement over them.
As I lived alone, I could arrange my time freely, and would fill my day with Dafa-related activities. Although I kept busy, I used this excuse to cover up many shortcomings in my cultivation. If I had allowed myself more time to look inside and measure things from the Fa, these issues would have been easier to spot and remove.
“The truth is, anything that is not consistent with Dafa or the righteous thoughts of Dafa disciples results from the old forces’ involvement, and that includes all of the unrighteous elements that you have. And that is why I have made sending righteous thoughts one of the three major things that Dafa disciples are to do.” (“On the Responses to the Piece About Assistant Souls”)
With renewed faith in Master and the Fa, I now understood that the old forces attempt to interfere with us inside and out, including those watching over the world's religions.
I must walk the rest of my path well, recognize, negate and eliminate the interference, and study the Fa more. With such focus, I will be able to rectify my universe and the beings within it.
These are my personal understandings. Please point it out if there is anything that does not conform to the Fa.