(Minghui.org) I have been cultivating in Falun Dafa for nearly ten years. I discovered my attachment of jealousy quite a few years ago and am making an effort to eliminate it.
The process has been a very painful experience, and I've stumbled many times. After cultivating for so long, I didn't make any significant progress in this regard. It was only recently that I made some breakthroughs. I would like to share what I've learned with my fellow cultivators.
Origin of My Jealousy
I have always wondered why I had such a deep-rooted attachment to jealousy that was hard to discard. It has been said, “It takes more than a day of cold to freeze the ground three feet deep.”
When I was growing up, I was cared for by my teachers, classmates, and colleagues, was treated with respect, and surrounded by praise. People said I carried myself well, and I was a good student.
The praise I received strengthened my notions, namely, that I was better than others! I always had this thought in my mind even though I didn't say it out loud. When my classmates, colleagues, and even relatives outdid me, I felt uncomfortable in my heart.
Painful Process of Eliminating Jealousy
After cultivating in Falun Dafa, I realized that this was the attachment of jealousy and that, as a cultivator, I should eliminate it. Cultivating it away, however, has been quite painful. Master often uses other people to say things that shake me to my core in order to help me eliminate my jealousy.
Tribulations have come one after another and sometimes I truly felt that my tolerance had reached its limit. Master's words came to mind:
“When it’s difficult to endure, you can endure it. When it’s impossible to do, you can do it.” (Zhuan Falun)
Therefore, I began to study and recite the Fa diligently. I can't remember how many times I recited Zhuan Falun. I managed to cultivate away many attachments related to jealousy. But soon after, the tests returned.
When I saw someone who was better than me, or if I heard someone else being praised, my heart would feel awful, like being stabbed with needles. My children told me that I often frowned. My heart was very pained.
Change of Appearance Connected to Jealousy
Regarding frowning, I suddenly realized that the change in my appearance was related to jealousy.
My current appearance is completely different from how I looked before. My face thinned out and my skin became unattractive. My classmates and colleagues stopped calling me beautiful.
Even my mother seemed ashamed of me and didn’t want me to show my face in public. She often said my classmates were much better looking than me. My face even looked completely different from my photo ID, and people didn't think the photo was me when I showed my ID at hotels and banks.
I looked inward often and discovered my attachment to appearance. However, nothing changed significantly, so in the end, I thought about this issue less and less.
While I was writing this sharing, I suddenly realized my appearance was related to jealousy.
Master said:
“If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile.” (Zhuan Falun)
“Jealousy is definitely something you must get rid of. It is something formidable and can make you slack off in all aspects of your cultivation and ruin you. You mustn’t harbor jealousy!” (“Fa Teaching Given at the New York Fa Conference Celebrating the 25th Anniversary of Dafa’s Spreading”)
Memorizing the Fa is to Obtain the Fa—Gaining Without Pursuit
I recently thought about memorizing Essentials for Further Advancement after I picked it up to read. I've since been memorizing it every day. Overcoming the fear of difficulty, I held a thought of just sticking to it and not pursuing the quantity.
I continued to recite the Fa for a few days. Without realizing it, I became happy every day. I felt that everything around me was peaceful and compassionate. I felt very calm, and took every conflict I encountered very lightly. Most importantly, I have unknowingly cultivated away many of my attachments to jealousy.
The jealousy I felt toward many people, and things that were not discarded after so many years, no longer exist. When I look at these people now, I can feel that they are very kind. I can be nice to them from the bottom of my heart, without it being a deliberate act. I have never experienced such peacefulness.
Master said:
“Actually, in cultivation practice you ascend by improving yourself gradually and unknowingly. Keep in mind: One should gain things naturally without pursuing them.” (Essentials for Further Advancement)
“The only way to gain a good understanding of Dafa is to study it without any intention. Each time you finish reading Zhuan Falun, you have made progress as long as you have gained some understanding. Even if you understood only one point after reading it, you have truly made progress.” (Essentials for Further Advancement)
I finally came to understand that I had an attachment of pursuit when studying the Fa in the past that I wasn't aware of, so I failed to make a breakthrough after such a long period of time.
It took me a long time to recite only a bit of Zhuan Falun, and I often forgot immediately after reciting it. Sometimes I felt anxious inside. It seemed like I only wanted to memorize the Fa for the sake of reciting it. I realize now that reciting the Fa “to remember” or “to memorize” is pursuit.
I kept a calm mind when I recited Essentials for Further Advancement more recently. I tried to memorize as much as I could. When I forgot the content, I resumed and had pretty good results. The purpose of reciting the Fa is to obtain the Fa. Otherwise, how can one upgrade one's xinxing?
This is my understanding at my current level. Please correct me compassionately if anything is inappropriate.
Category: Improving Oneself
