Looking Inside When Family Conflicts Arise
(Minghui.org) I started to practice Falun Dafa in May 1999. All my illnesses soon disappeared. I wanted the public to know about the goodness of Falun Dafa, but the Chinese Communist Party's (CCP’s) severe persecution of the practice began in July the same year I started to practice.
Troubles at Home
Undeterred, I printed materials that explained the facts of Falun Dafa and posted them where people could see them. I was arrested and sentenced to five years in prison for refusing to renounce my faith in Falun Dafa.
My husband was a kind man. He had practiced Falun Dafa with me when I fist began. But being forced to live on his own for five years while I was in prison was hard on him. When I was finally released, he was cold toward me. He did not want to talk to me at all.
“I know it was hard for you while I was in jail,” I said to him. “But you know that all my illnesses disappeared after I began to practice Falun Dafa. I hope you can understand why I will never, of my own conscience, betray Master. If you are afraid that you will be implicated in my activities letting people know the truth about Dafa, we can divorce. I know you are honest and I don't expect you to do anything to help me. I just hope you know that Falun Dafa saved my life, and that Falun Dafa is good.”
He replied, “I know Falun Dafa is good and Master is good. But it is just not the time to say that in public.”
Pushing Makes Things Worse
I always wanted my husband to resume his practice of Falun Dafa. I pressured him and tried to persuade him, but it didn’t work.
I filed criminal complaints against the former dictator, Jiang Zemin, in June 2015. It was Jiang who launched the persecution of Falun Dafa, so I asked my husband to join me. “I was persecuted by Jiang Zemin too,” he said. “I lost nearly 40 years of pension, and I was fired for practicing Falun Dafa. I will sue him. But it is not the right time now.”
The more I tried to persuade him to practice, the less he was willing to. Our relationship deteriorated and he often got angry with me.
I soon asked for advice from a fellow practitioner. She said that whether my husband came back to practice was not to be decided by me—Master would take care of it. I should let go of my attachment, she said, and spend more time on Fa study.
I agreed with her, but when I saw my husband, I could not help pressuring him more and more. Finally, he said, “ I cannot stand this anymore. I want a divorce.”
On the day we were to start the divorce procedures, it rained and hailed all day and we had to stay home. On the next day, he changed his mind. “Let’s stay together. I won't interfere with you, but you should not pressure me, either. Just give me some time.”
But I could not let it go and was unable to move my focus away from him. He made trouble for me as well. Our relationship was tense.
We went on with our uncomfortable relationship day after day. One day, Master's words became clear in my mind:
“...but your gaze was always directed outward, instead of going inward cultivating yourself--then would you still be a cultivator?” (“Teaching the Fa at the Meeting with Asia-Pacific Students” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference VI)
I was shocked and broke into a cold sweat. My state was really dangerous! I had such a big loophole! It could play right into the hands of the old forces, so that evening, when I was sending forth righteous thoughts, I saw a thing like a walnut in my abdominal area. With a sound, It cracked into pieces.
The next day, my husband was nicer to me, but he still restricted me. He was afraid that I would be caught by the police for telling people the truth about Falun Dafa and the persecution.
Regret and Enlightened
One day my husband was watching TV while having lunch. He suddenly screamed, “This is scary, very scary!” He explained to me that there were people walking on a glass walk way suspended high on a cliff. It scared him. I looked at him and said, “It is just a glass walk way. It’s nothing to be scared of.” I went back to the bedroom to continue my study.
But since I could not calm down myself, I looked inward.
He had been watching the same program for two days in a row. Why did he still feel scared and shout the same thing every time they showed the scene with the glass walkway? What was this telling me?
Suddenly I understood: The CCP launched numerous political movements in the past decades to persecute Chinese people. People live in fear. This persecution of Falun Dafa made practitioners and their families live in its terror.
I do not have fear, because I believe in Dafa. But my husband is an ordinary person. He lives his life in fear. What he has to bear is huge.
My husband is a timid person. How did he get over those difficult days and nights when I was in jail? In order not to burden our children and parents, he did not tell anyone I had been sentenced to prison and that he was fired from his job.
He was briefly sent to a labor camp for his own practice of Falun Dafa. When he got out, he had no place to share his pain. He would go to his mother's grave and pour out his feelings. Sometimes he went to the mountains to shout out his stress. Yet he still tried to comfort me when he visited me in prison.
He was trying to show kindness, but when I got home from prison, I demanded that he do this and that. I scolded him and said he was dreadful and useless and not like a man. I looked down on him and used wicked words to hurt him.
Now those words were hurting me. I was very regretful and my tears flowed. How could I be so selfish? I only thought of what I wanted, but never considered my other family members, especially him. Instead, I insulted him and blamed him for everything.
Was I a practitioner? Where was my compassion? Master told us to look inward when facing conflicts, but I only looked outward, focusing on his problems. He was such a good person. He had quietly endured all these years of pain and suffering because of his concern for me.
I entered the bedroom in tears and asked him to pause the TV so I could talk to him. He smiled and said, “What is so serious?” I said through my tears, “I am so sorry. I have been so selfish and have not had the compassion of a practitioner. I haven’t followed a practitioner's requirement to consider others first. I did not think of you or our children. I do not deserve your forgiveness.”
Listening to my words, he put his hand on my shoulder and said with a choked voice, “It is good you know that you were wrong. That is all I need. Cultivate well.”
Ever since then, my husband stopped fighting with me, and he no longer restricts me from going to do things related to Falun Dafa. Sometimes, he even reminds me to send forth righteous thoughts and to stop watching the TV. He often encourages me to study the Fa. He takes care of all the housework so I have time to practice and study.
I want to share this with fellow practitioners: When our family members do not understand us, please stop and think of them. Do not blame them. We are cultivators. Our family members are accompanying us on the path of cultivation. We cannot use human notions in our dealings with them. We certainly should not fight with them.
All difficulties are arranged for our cultivation. Our family members will be blessed, and that is the reward for their bearing for us with kindness in the delusion.
Master said: “You play the leading role in this period of history, and the existence of everything at present, whether it be evil or the upright gods, has to do with you.” (“Walk Straight Your Path” from The Essentials Of Diligent Progress Vol. III)
Our environment changes with our minds and natures. This is the environment Master arranged for our cultivation, so we should treasure it. Otherwise, we will fall into the old forces' traps, and we will be following their arrangements, instead of Master’s. If we only think of ourselves and of what we want, that is the opposite of what Master wants. We should thus thank our family sincerely from the bottom of our hearts!
Our family members are not making trouble for us. It is we who are in disharmony with Dafa! Looking inward is the key to cultivation. If we can do it well, it will create miracles.