Cultivating Myself During My Mother's Illness Tribulation
(Minghui.org) I used to be a tough person. My temperament changed a lot after I began to practice Falun Dafa and my friends said I was much nicer than before. When some practitioners informed me that I still had a long way to go, I was not convinced and largely ignored their statements.
But when my mother went through a severe tribulation about two years ago, many of my attachments came to the surface.
I would like to share my experience.
At the end of 2014, severe lower back pain caused my mother to have difficulty walking. She even had trouble eating and turning her head. Seeing her lack of righteous thoughts, I lost patience and spoke to her without compassion. I told her what her problems I had seen in her, hoping she would improve her xinxing. During those days other practitioners also said similar things to her, and she agreed with them. But she did not accept what I said at all. This made our relationship very tense, and I became resentful.
Almost four months passed and my mother's situation did not improve. I knew we could not continue like that. But I also knew that the most important thing for me was to look inside and improve myself.
I decided to spend a lot of time studying the Fa. It was difficult initially, because I could not concentrate, I was looking outward, thinking it was obviously my mother's problem because she did not listen to me and so that made the situation stick around so long. With my negative feelings and complaints, I could not read the Fa aloud because it was as if something was stuck in my throat.
In tears, I decided to improve the situation and eliminate the negative substances. First, I had to continue Fa-study and to change my opinion of my mother.
I read the Dafa books as I sobbed. Sometimes, I asked myself, “My mother is a Dafa practitioner and Master is taking care of her, plus she is my mother and I have to respect her anyway. What do I have complain about after all?” So I sent forth righteous thoughts and continued reading.
During this process, I also encountered a lot of thought karma. Knowing I had no choice but to improve myself, I did not slack off or give in. As time went on, I could feel the negative thoughts were much weaker. From this I learned the importance of really looking inward.
Seeing a Doctor
My mother told me she wanted to see a doctor. Her legs felt numb and she was worried. She had mentioned seeing a doctor many times before, and I normally replied by explaining to her why we should not see a doctor. I sometimes even spoke in a sarcastic tone. This time I did not insist on my opinion. I thought, “If her righteous thoughts are not strong enough, there is not much I can do. No matter what happens, I will not be upset and will act like a practitioner.”
It was almost the Chinese New Year. The clinic was only open that morning, so we purchased enough Chinese herbs to last 10 days. On the way home, we also bought a herbal medicine cooker.
After taking the medicine for two days my mother said to me, “Please throw away the medicine, I don't want it anymore. I want to be a genuine practitioner and overcome this tribulation according to the Fa.”
Her words surprised me. “How about the herbal medicine cooker? It was expensive,” I said. But my mother was determined and asked me to throw everything in trash. I did as she said.
My mother started extending the time she spent doing the exercises and did the sitting meditation for between one and two hours. She also spent more time sending forth righteous thoughts and asked me to point out her loopholes. I found I hardly had anything to say. I realized that once I started to look within, my mother's situation also improved. It was just like what Master said,
“For a cultivator, looking within is a magical tool.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2009 Washington DC International Fa Conference”)
I learned a lot from this. I used to think I was right to point out my mother's problems and that her issue was that she did not listen to me. In fact, things will not improve unless I change myself.
My mother later told me that after she started taking the medicine, she had a dream that her legs became thin. She thought it was a hint from Master to stop taking medicine, so the next day she asked me to discard all the medicine.
Nearly two years have passed and my mother has been doing really well. Looking back, I realize that I could not simply hope other practitioners would become better without changing myself. There will be no breakthroughs until I seriously look inward and fix my own problems. In addition, if I just insist on my own opinions, that is also selfishness and I need to let go of such thoughts.