I Found the Root Cause of My Attachments
(Minghui.org) I recently passed two serious xinxing tests. I’d like to share my experiences with other practitioners who may be encountering similar situations.
Before the New Year, I had some conflicts with my in-laws. I felt that I had done my best as a cultivator to be tolerant and generous. But what bothered me most was that my husband sided with my mother-in-law. I kept my mouth shut around my in-laws because they were in their eighties, and I did not want to upset them too much or trigger their health problems.
But when I got home, I took my feelings out on my husband, and lashed out at him. He knew that he was wrong and did not defend himself, but I could not control my anger and resentment. I was cold to him for days, and cried my heart out. I knew that this was not in line with proper behavior for a cultivator. I should have realized that the incident happened for a reason and that I needed to pay back my debt. This was a good opportunity for me to improve, and I should have been thankful for the opportunity.
I sent righteous thoughts to clear out my resentment, but it did not help. As soon I saw my husband, I was angry again. I could not completely let it go. Every time after I lashed out, I felt very bad, but I could not control myself. This state lasted for a few weeks.
Master helped me, however. While I was sending righteous thoughts one night, I saw a dark, ugly being. Her name was Sentimentality. She was fuming, lashing out, and complaining that people were not nice to her. She looked exactly like me.
I enlightened that there was a demon of sentimentality lurking in my dimension. When its desires were not satisfied, it was in pain. It controlled my brain and caused me to do or say things that were inconsistent with a Dafa disciple. It was not me. It was a being that existed in my dimension, created by my notions and desires after I entered the Three Realms.
The true me is my main consciousness, which is a higher being created in a higher dimension, and which is assimilated with Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. I enlightened that the process of cultivation is to eliminate the bad stuff—stuff formed during the process of descending—stuff inconsistent with Truthfulness-Compassion-Forbearance. We must let our main consciousnesses take charge so we can return to the realm where we were created. When I enlightened to this, my resentment gradually dissipated.
Since then, each time I’ve cleared myself, I’ve focused my attention on the ugly demon of sentimentality to disintegrate it.
I work for the government. Prior to cultivating, my biggest problem was getting along with my supervisor. Everyday people tend to please their bosses, but I am a cultivator. I need to abide by certain principles, especially when it comes to interactions between men and women.
My supervisors are primarily men. Due to my demeanor and abilities, and as a result of years of cultivation, my bosses are often very impressed with me when they first assume their positions.
Sometimes they’ve even showed favoritism toward me. I have not reacted well to these gestures, but instead, have been very guarded, causing them to feel snubbed. As a result, they’ve retaliated by being mean to me. I was often put in a very difficult situation.
I have often thought that everything happened to me to help me eliminate my attachments to fame and self-interest. I thought I had no interest in men. Honestly, I was not romantically interested in any of them. Instead, I detested their behavior. The thing is, as I have fewer feelings toward fame and gain, these things still happened. I felt very helpless.
I came to a better understanding of sentimentality, which was well-hidden in me, during the conflicts with my in-laws. At work, I was pursuing recognition, approval, and admiration from my superiors, and I was obsessed with how they treated me. This may be understandable with everyday people. But for cultivators, this is pursuit.
Master taught us:
“Some people may think, ‘I wasn’t asking for it specifically!’ You did not ask for it, but you sought supernormal abilities. Will a great enlightened person from a righteous cultivation practice give them to you? Pursuit is an attachment of everyday people, and this attachment must be given up. So who gives them to you? Only demons from other dimensions and different animals can give them to you. Isn’t it the same as your asking for spirit or animal possession? They will come, then.” (Lecture Three, Zhuan Falun)
So all the interference from the demon of lust was the result of my own pursuit. I was attached to how my supervisor saw me; this is sentimentality, and lust is a part of sentimentality. I knew it was not right to have these attachments, so I resisted. As a result, in the human world, I appeared to welcome their advances, and when I resisted, they felt rejected and took revenge on me.
In digging deeper, I found that I tended to be suspicious and guarded.
“The other day I said that the Buddha-light illuminates everywhere and rectifies all abnormalities. In other words, the energy scattered from our bodies can rectify all abnormal conditions. Therefore, under the effects of this field, if you do not think about these things, you will unintentionally restrain your spouse as well. If you do not and will not think of them, your spouse will not think of them, either.” (Lecture Six, Zhuan Falun)
I am a cultivator and can exude energy. No matter how people behave, as long as my heart is not moved and my thoughts remain righteous, I can restrain them.
I have struggled in the tribulation of lust for many years. I hope this can be helpful to other practitioners in similar situations.
This is my limited understanding. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.