Troubles Caused by Not Cultivating Speech
(Minghui.org) I have always been blunt when talking to people, and believed that I was just being honest. Over the years it had become a habit. I always spoke loudly, had a bad temper, and had no patience or consideration for others.
I also tried to do things that garnered me praise, so my attachments to fame and competitiveness grew, as did my attachments to jealousy and showing off. Since I always wanted to be the best, I paid a lot of attention to how others were doing, and wanted to show them that I was better than they were. Controlled by competitiveness, I constantly argued with others to determine who was right.
When I began practicing Falun Dafa, these bad habits interfered with my cultivation.
I improved very slowly due to my strong thought karma and human notions. Without thinking, I would comment on whatever I heard or saw. I sometimes felt regret when I realized that I had hurt someone, but I looked for excuses to defend my behavior. Over time, I corrected many of my shortcomings, but I did not proactively eliminate everything.
Causing Trouble Between Practitioners
Another practitioner and I studied the Fa together and worked on the same project to raise awareness about the persecution. We frequently shared our understandings on the Fa, and she helped me with many things. I respected her.
She decided to sell her house last year, and so was very busy. She began skipping Fa-study as a result. When she developed sickness karma I was very worried about her.
She called me one day, and said that she would not attend Fa-study because she did not feel good. Without thinking, I immediately said, “Why are you slacking off?” She became angry and avoided me the next time I saw her at Fa-study. She said that I did not cultivate my speech.
I looked inward and found that my human notions and emotions were at work. I had talked without compassion and angrily criticized her.
After this incident, I decided that I should not treat fellow practitioners this way. I was concerned about her, but I realized that she wouldn't be able to accept my point if I acted like this.
“While working, your tone of voice, your kindheartedness, and your reasoning can change a person’s heart, whereas commands never could!” (“Clearheadedness” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
A month later, she missed group Fa-study again. I accused her of not eliminating interference, as she always had something to do on the day our Fa-study was held. She became angry and argued with me.
I realized that I was at fault again. After our last argument I decided to stop criticizing practitioners. How could I so easily forget and repeat the same mistake? My attachment to competitiveness was so strong! I was filled with regret.
Gradually this practitioner stopped attending the group Fa-study and stopped answering my calls. She also quit the project we were working on. I realized that the separation between us was caused by my behavior.
I always said anything I wanted to to my children, and never considered their feelings. If anything bothered me, I immediately criticized them. The negative substances that I had not eliminated caused me to speak without thinking. I also never apologized when I realized that I had done something wrong.
I went to my daughter’s home to take care of her and her new-born baby in June 2004. Her husband often came home exhausted and unhappy after a long, hard day. Instead of being compassionate listening to his complaints, I became upset and kept complaining to my daughter until she almost cried. At that time I had already been practicing Falun Dafa for six years.
Soon, pus filled sores formed in the corner of my mouth. They eventually healed, but the scars remind me that I need to cultivate my speech.
I wish to sincerely apologize to the practitioners I have hurt, and hope that they will help me to improve in my cultivation by pointing out my mistakes. I must hurry up and solidly cultivate. Master told us:
“There should be a revolution in your thinking.” (Zhuan Falun)
I need to carefully think about every word and thought, and I need to cultivate well.