Discovering and Eliminating Human Notions While Going Through a Divorce
(Minghui.org) My husband of 19 years asked me for a divorce in May 2017. I experienced many different feelings during the process of the divorce. However, in the end, I understood that this has been a test and a process to expose and eliminate my human notions.
My husband was my classmate in graduate school. Six years after we married, he found a job in another city and we lived apart for 13 years. We have a daughter, aged 11, who grew up thinking that one sees one's father only during the holidays.
My life consisted of work and taking care of our child. My husband used to promise to move back after three years, which turned into a repetitive empty promise.
His divorce request came through on May 2, which surprised me. Although I was upset I knew that this was an opportunity for me to let go of some of my human notions. I began to look inward to find what I was upset about, and asked myself, “Do I still love him?”
I let go of my emotions towards him in the third year after I started practicing Falun Dafa. Our relationship slowly drifted apart after he moved to another city, and the emotional attachment gradually dissipated.
Due to the pressure from my job and having to take care of my daughter I started to resent my husband.
“If you don’t sever emotion, you won’t be able to cultivate. But if you do break out of emotion, nobody can affect you, and ordinary attachments won’t be able to sway you. What replaces it is compassion, which is more noble.” (Zhuan Falun)Whenever I felt resentment I recited Master's Fa repeatedly until the emotion was eliminated. It took me three years to overcome the resentment.
But, what was still making me upset? I looked inward. Then a scene appeared in my mind, in which I was walking in the snow holding my daughter's hand. No one was there to support me and I felt deep loneliness.
“What do people fear most of all? Loneliness. Loneliness can drive a person crazy; loneliness can lead a person to forget everything from before; and loneliness can even cause one to forget how to speak. It is the most terrible form of hardship.” (“What is a Dafa Disciple” from Teaching the Fa at the Conference XI)
I could feel the fear of loneliness as a solid substance that caused me to have a stomachache. I began to send righteous thoughts to eliminate the fear.
I sent righteous thoughts again on the second day, but still had the feeling of loneliness. It gradually receded, and by the third day, I had totally eliminated this feeling. My stomachache also disappeared. I was happy and relieved.
My husband and I began to discuss the details of the divorce. I told him that I cared little for money or fame, and only wished that our daughter would grow up healthy and happy.
But thinking of our child brought sadness to my heart. I knew that every person has his or her own fate, and thus I could not change or decide my daughter's life.
I studied the Fa more and soon the sadness was gone.
However, many thoughts related to my husband filled my mind. I thought that if I had already eliminated my emotion, it should no longer interfere with me. I asked myself, “Why do I keep thinking about him?”
It took many days until I caught on. I was jealous. For years, I endured the hardship of keeping the family together and raising our child. But my husband was having an affair with a woman who was less educated and had an illegitimate child. He was willing to take care of her child, but not our daughter.
Jealousy is often hidden behind by emotion and is hard to detect, but Master let me see it. I sent righteous thoughts to dissolve this human notion, and it was soon destroyed. I no longer felt troubled by the divorce.
Walking Out of Humanness
When I brought up my divorce at a group Fa study some practitioners cried, saying that it was unfair. Some asked if I hated my husband, and some said that I shouldn't divorce him because I had to save him.
I told them not to worry about me, as I held no resentment towards him and still wanted to save him.
I saw this as an opportunity to improve myself in cultivation and rid myself of human emotions. The importance of our actions and thoughts have to conform to the Fa, and to expose and let go of our human notions in the process. I could feel that Master was with me all the time, enlightening and strengthening me.
I also came to understand that any conflict or tribulation is very important in the cultivation of a practitioner. Master has arranged opportunities for us to walk out of humanness. If we miss it, it would be difficult to have a second chance.