I Found Where I Was Blocked By Looking Within
(Minghui.org) I recently took the lead on a Dafa project regarding clarifying the truth to people. I had an attachment to getting the project done quickly for the first two days. I sent emails to practitioners with many questions and expected them to respond immediately. I was impatient; I kept checking for emails and complaining that others were not responding. I became anxious and irritable. My mind was so preoccupied with the project that I had trouble sending forth righteous thoughts.
Lying in bed after sending forth righteous thoughts at night, I wondered if the problem was within me. I had a good intention–wanting to get the project done so we could clarify the truth to more people.
Master did tell us not to wait or rely on others. So, I thought my being anxious was not bad. I then wondered if I was trying to show off? My thoughts then switched again: “I must be doing the right thing, after all, my motives are good” I thought I had the right to feel anxious.
I thought about it some more. I realized that I had to keep looking within.
I could see my problem. I did have the attachment of showing off. I did not have a competitive mentality around everyday people, however I wanted to validate myself to fellow practitioners through this project.
I was able to remember an occurrence that happened more than 10 years ago that I had forgotten about. A practitioner from my hometown was bragging about her successful child who lived in the United States. Her child was my age, and I felt disappointed in myself for not being as successful. I then developed the mindset that whenever I had an opportunity to do something, I would try my best and let everyone see how capable I was. When I had the opportunity to lead this Dafa project it was my chance to prove myself.
I felt ashamed. I saw so many human notions and attachments within myself, including the attachments to fame and selfishness. It appeared that I was thinking of Dafa first, but it was my attachments that motivated me. I wanted the personal satisfaction of doing the job well, and I was not thinking about others and what they were dealing with. How could I do well with so many wrong thoughts? I had instead created a mess.
I found my problems. Although I was shocked at first, I was relieved and felt good afterward. I now know how to do better. Admitting our own mistakes and looking within allows one to discover where we are blocked. I hope this article can be a reference for those who are blocked, but are unable find the true source of the issue.