Letting Go of the Attachment to Self and Learning How to Look Within
(Minghui.org) There have always been fellow practitioners pointing out my shortcomings to me during group Fa study. But instead of cultivating myself each time, I would disagree with them and refused to look within. In fact, I don't think I knew how to look within.
I did wrestle with the idea, but in the end, I wasn't able to use these opportunities to improve myself.
Getting into Arguments
One practitioner had raised some suggestions for our new Fa study group, but I didn't agree with him. I told him that I thought he was wrong and asked him to change his thinking. We ended up having a big fight.
During the next Fa study, I told fellow practitioners that I had identified my problem of being selfish, and that I didn't think of others. I thought that was the end of it–I'd hoped that this would remove my attachment, truly cultivate myself, and improve with everyone else.
But to my surprise, Practitioner A said that my looking within wasn't deep enough and that my starting point for cultivation was off.
I felt wronged and started to defend myself. Meanwhile, other practitioners also began to point out my problems. I felt that they didn't truly know my cultivation status, and I argued with them.
During our Fa study, I was shocked when I read the following two paragraphs of the Fa.
“Do you really believe that cultivation is only appealing and you can only elevate when what graces your ears are pleasing things and when Dafa disciples only say things that resonate with you?”
“...have you really thought in earnest about what course to follow? I only hope that this blow with a heavy hammer will wake you up. I do it for you, not for me—your master—and certainly not for those fellow cultivators who made you upset. Be diligent! This is your vow. This is your responsibility. And this is your road to Consummation!” (“To the European Fa Conference”, The Essentials of Diligent Progress VOL. III)
I realized something big was wrong with me. And I felt that there was an entity in me that was disturbed by this passage, but I didn't know exactly what it was.
I studied the Fa the entire evening. I tried very hard to truly look within, but I knew what I found wasn't the ultimate root of my attachment. All this time, the strong feeling of being wronged kept coming back to me.
Truly Looking Within
During the next Fa study, Practitioner A shared with the group how she looked within after she had that argument with me. All other practitioners also talked about the attachments they had found in themselves.
Listening to their sharing, I was deeply inspired. An image had appeared in my mind of a vast space, and in it I was a child who was learning to walk. Practitioner A stood by me like an older sister, and she was told to hold my hand while I toddled along. But every time she reached out to me, I would push her away and insist on walking by myself.
I realized that, even though it looked like she was just pointing out my mistakes, it was actually Master's arrangement to help me learn how to look within and improve my xinxing.
During a dream a few days later, I suddenly realized that the entity that had been disturbed in me was the attachment to validating myself.
I also came to understand that every practitioner has their own understanding of Fa principles at different levels, and that conflicts among practitioners are good opportunities for us to improve ourselves and elevate our levels.
I began to listen very closely to every practitioner's sharing and learned from them. I stopped forcing my thinking onto others and truly learned how to look within.
Every time after I identify an attachment, I can feel the changes in my body and the true beauty of cultivation. When I truly look within, the frustration and pain in my heart disappear, leaving everything peaceful and calm.