Breaking Through My Own Ego
(Minghui.org) Someone asked me:“Are you happy? Look at you, you have no family or kids. Who will support you when you get old? Don't you feel lonely?” I smiled when hearing that.
I replied by saying that the definition of happiness is different in every person's eyes. Some consider having a car, a house and being wealthy to be what makes one happy. Others consider having children and grandchildren the height of happiness.
If we are to measure ourselves with that criteria, then I would not feel happy. But actually, I am very happy because I am a Falun Dafa practitioner. I have the boundless blessings of Dafa and Teacher's protection. Internally, I feel very calm and peaceful.
It has only been over the past year that I have come to realize what it means to be a true practitioner of Falun Dafa
Witnessing a Change of Heart
I used to feel very good about myself. I frequently told other practitioners how to look inwards and how to cultivate. I didn’t realize that I was the one with a problem until the practitioner who I had been working with began to complain about me. She said that she didn't want to work with me any more because I was self-centered and couldn't accept anyone else's ideas or criticism.
She said that I became agitated as soon as anybody criticized me, and that I caused tribulations for her that were difficult to get over. She said that before she went out to work with me she would have to watch the video of Teacher's lecture to Australian practitioners as a reminder to maintain her xinxing.
One time when we went to the bus station to hand out fliers, we almost ended up in an argument over our differing opinions. I was trying hard not to control my temper thinking: “We are going out to help save sentient beings, how can I be upset?”
After that incident, I felt that I had cultivated better than her. I thought that I was right and she was wrong and I looked down on her. I even talked negatively about her to other practitioners.
But in my mind, I thought I was helping her by pointing out her problems. When she said that she needed to hold off on working with me I actually felt happy. I later realized that this was a manifestation of my pride.
During that time, I moved in with an elderly practitioner to clarify the facts to people over the phone. After moving in, she began to help me improve my xinxing by giving me repeated tribulations to deal with. I failed every test! Every time she challenged me, I blew up right away.
It wasn’t until my relationship with the older practitioner that I came to realize that I hadn’t cultivated myself solidly. I realized that I was only scratching the surface in cultivation rather than truly looking inward. As a result, nothing had fundamentally changed inside of me.
In the past, I would try to make it look like I was a good practitioner by keeping my self together on the surface. I made it look like I had no attachments to wealth or how other people looked at me. Yet deep down, I was attached to fame among practitioners.
Over time I developed the habit of looking down upon other practitioners; I only looked at their shortcomings. This was a reflection of being attached to my own ego and possessing a lack of compassion for others. Attachments like jealousy, the competitive mentality, seeking leisure, lust, the Party culture mentality and showing-off were still strong in my heart.
When I finally learned to look inside myself, I became depressed at what I saw. But with my fellow practitioners' encouragement, I began to study the Fa more and used the Fa to rectify myself. I studied two chapters of Zhuan Falun every day to calm my mind. But I didn't just go through the motions, I truly used the principles of the Fa to rectify my every thought and action.
Now as soon as I have identified an attachment, I begin to correct myself. I am no longer subjected to my old notions, thought karma or the negative way of thinking I used to have. I’ve decided to truly let go of my attachments to self and work well with other practitioners.
I truly feel sorry for the practitioner I had previously distributed fliers with. She had to endure so much because of me. But now we study the Fa together every week. We also share with one another about how to save more sentient beings, and we have teamed up again to distribute more fliers.
As soon as I have the thought of saving sentient beings, I feel very happy. I feel so fortunate to be a Falun Dafa practitioner. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I didn't practice Falun Dafa. By becoming immersed in the Fa, I have truly changed on the inside and now feel uplifted.
In the process of cultivating away my selfishness, I have no complaints, resentment or jealousy, and have successfully overcome my demon nature. I am determined to study the Fa, cultivate my self thoroughly and return home with Teacher as soon as possible!