(Minghui.org) Fellow practitioners and I have been co-workers in the same agency for many years. We used to have many conflicts, some of which were quite serious. Towards the end of last year, two of them had problems and asked me for help. While on the surface I was helping them, the event triggered many of my selfish and negative notions. I realized that I had to improve my character.
Abundance of Selfish Notions
There were many notions that needed to be eliminated. The first one was the fear of losing face. I thought I should distance myself from the conflict and just be an observer. Next, I was concerned about people not understanding what I was doing. This resulted in thinking that I might be doing the wrong thing.
One day when I looked up, I saw my boss giving me a sign of encouragement. From that, I understood that Teacher was using him to encourage me and my worry was over.
However, that was not the end of it. Now, I feared that people might not want to associate with me any longer. It forced me to pretend to be nice. But then I worried that people might laugh at me.
It finally dawned on me that all those negative thoughts and feelings were an arrangement by the old forces to prevent me from being a qualified Falun Dafa practitioner. I thought, “If I let my notions go, life would be different and I could really help people.”
Changes Within Me Not Complete
Letting go of negative feelings changed the environment. Many people who ignored me in the past befriended me. I then thought that they were worthy beings, which was not what I had thought in the past. I was clearly wrong, and my mind broadened and I could accept a different group of people.
However, there was no change in my personal view of fellow practitioners. I continued to view them as the source of the problem. In fact, in a dream, I fought with them and I got so angry that I woke up crying. I had even greater difficulty working with them, and could do so only because I realized that this environment could help me improve.
I tried different tactics, such as copying the Falun Dafa books by hand. Fellow practitioners were trying to help me, but nothing seemed to help get rid of my grudges. I even wanted to quit my job and cried many times. Throughout that ordeal, I knew that I needed to improve my character.
Finding Ways to Improve
I just couldn't let go of my negative emotions, so I asked Teacher for help. That night I had a dream. A man pointed at me, and my fellow practitioners said, “What are you arguing about?” When I woke up, my mind appeared to have calmed down.
I also read the article “After Many Years I Now Know How to Truly Cultivate” and tried to follow the approach in that article. Whenever thoughts of jealousy, competitiveness, and so on cluttered my mind, I rejected them and firmly told them that they were not part of me. That tactic also brought results over time.
Another tactic I used was to watch my own thoughts like watching a movie. This finally helped me realize that I had been pretending to be a compassionate person, instead of cultivating to become one. I was giving people the false impression that I was truly compassionate.
I learned that I was competing with fellow practitioners for fame and benefits. This attachment was the cause of the conflicts I had with fellow practitioners. With this realization, I felt all that was negative disappear, and I had a great sense of peace and calm. At that point my grudges disappeared almost completely.
Looking Inward
Knowing that the way to improve myself was to locate and remove my own negative thoughts and feelings, I continued to look inward. I found that I also wanted to compete with my co-workers for power and benefits and to win, and always be on the right side of an argument. As I probed further I found that there was a block of notions I had to remove, and it required the understanding of a new principle.
I came to the conclusion that I needed to quite my job so I could study the Fa calmly, which would help me get rid of deep seated attachments. But a fellow practitioner asked me to stay on because she had a dream about me the previous night. I understood that Teacher was encouraging me to continue, so I asked for a day off.
I studied the Fa, did the exercises, and sent forth righteous thoughts in the morning, but did not notice any progress. In the afternoon I went to discuss my problem with two elderly practitioners and afterwards felt much better.
In the evening I read “Fa Teaching at the 2013 Greater New York Fa Conference .” When I was reading the second paragraph, the idea of the paragraph seemed to reach every part of my body. I understood my problem but could not express it in words. All my grudges were gone, and I knew I had improved in my understanding of the Fa.
I finally had come to the understanding that to remove these negative habits is to ask whether my given attitude or action was in line with the Fa.
I have decided to follow the Fa as closely as I can. More specifically, I want to use the following statements by Teacher as my guide,
“... examine themselves with the requirements of the Fa at different levels.”
“It would be good if they could manage to search within themselves for the things that they have been able to find in others.” (“A Dialogue with Time” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
The above is what I have to come to understand recently. I hope that my sharing can help fellow practitioners make progress in their cultivation.
Please point out anything that is improper, and I shall work to improve my moral character.
Category: Improving Oneself
