After Many Years I Now Know How to Truly Cultivate
(Minghui.org) I am a Falun Dafa practitioner who began practicing in 1996. I went to Tiananmen Square in Beijing in 2000, to do the exercises and validate Dafa, and I was illegally arrested. When released I was five months pregnant. After many years, I have finally learned how to cultivate and eliminate my attachments. I'd like to share my experiences with you.
I was sentenced to two years of forced labor in 2001, for distributing truth-clarifying materials. I understood at the time that this was the result of my going to extremes due to my competitive mentality and an attachment to validating myself. My husband almost divorced me and I nearly became homeless. After I was released, I thought twice before I did anything, and also started paying more attention to safety.
Because the company I worked for controlled us very tightly, I was afraid that I would affect the safety of other practitioners. I thus asked my mother-in-law, who understood the truth, to help me contact another practitioner who was from the same company but had retired. It later turned out that I did the right thing.
A few years later, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) conducted mass arrests in my company. I felt that this happened because some practitioners were having conflicts. The practitioners who were arguing and those who usually didn't pay attention to safety were arrested and sent to a forced labor camp. I was not involved in the conflict and was paying attention to safety, and was not arrested.
My cultivation path, however, was not smooth because I was treating the persecution as a persecution of one person against another. I did not clarify the truth with confidence and poise, and always thought about how to prevent the bad guys from noticing me. Although I studied the Fa every day, I did not use the Fa as a guide and criterion to my thoughts. I thought that as long as I persisted in studying the Fa until the persecution ended and I avoided being arrested, I would consummate.
I worked for a foreign company during that time, and discovered that someone was following me. I was not afraid initially, but felt uneasy and kept sending forth righteous thoughts. Sometimes, the person would get off the same bus and follow me. I constantly worried about being arrested for practicing and clarifying the truth.
It seems so ridiculous when I think of it now. I was very anxious and worried back then that my colleagues would find out that I was a practitioner, worried that my clarifying the truth would be discovered, afraid of being arrested, and afraid that I would not consummate.
My competitive mentality and hatred also surfaced. I did not know what to do and could only sleep for a few hours each night. Although I persisted in practicing the exercises and sending forth righteous thoughts every day, hoping to disintegrate the persecution, I became very exhausted and tired because I was not able to identify my xinxing problem.
One day when I was riding the company bus to work, my eyes and head felt swollen and painful from lack of sleep. I dared not nap and continued to send forth righteous thoughts. Suddenly, a mass of warm energy enveloped me, and I fell asleep for half an hour. When I reached work, I felt refreshed. But, my xinxing problem hadn't been resolved. I had been focusing on the evil, and didn't realize that the old forces dared not oppose us clarifying of the truth. I never realized that the different professions in human society are cultivation places for Dafa disciples.
As time passed and the CCP began controlling more and more people, my attachment of fear became stronger and I started to imagine things. The Domestic Security staff in my company also noticed me. My human notions caused my surroundings to become very bad. I felt that I had no other choice but to resign. Because I had always worked hard, the human resources manager suggested that I take a six-month leave to rest, and then return to work. But I declined.
After I returned home, the evil wouldn't let go and continued to monitor, follow me, and pressure me. I thought of going back to my mother's home, and bringing some of the truth-clarification materials to practitioners.
I had a dream one night. I dreamed that the persecutors had searched my body and found the Dafa materials. I was arrested but I held a hunger strike to protest. The dream was not clear but when I recalled it now, I think that Master wanted to save me, but the evil was desperately blocking it.
This dream aroused my vigilance. I decided not to bring the materials to practitioners. While on the bus to my mother's home, a Domestic Security officer who was following me sat down beside me. I could clearly feel that the evil was controlling him to pressure me, but I had no fear.
I wasn't yet clear on the Fa principles. Master hinted that I should attend an experience sharing conference. One practitioner spoke about how she remembered Master's Fa when she was in a brainwashing session. She knew that distributing truth-clarification DVDs was not a crime, and was later able to talk to people with confidence and poise.
This shocked me greatly. I realized that we needed to use Master's Fa to understand our problems. I often forgot what I had just read while studying the Fa, and kept using my own way of thinking to understand the problem. The old forces had arranged this way of thinking for me. I took out Master's recent lectures and memorized what Master said, to eradicate the old forces' arrangements. I also learned from Minghui Weekly how practitioners use the Fa principles to walk out of trouble situations.
As my thinking on the Fa principles become increasingly clear, the situation slowly improved.
I realized that other than understanding correctly that this is not a persecution of one person against another, I also had to cultivate with confidence and poise and needed to be rational and not impulsive when clarifying the truth. At the same time, eliminating my attachments was very important.
I didn't know how to eliminate my attachments. The only way I knew to handle this was to suppress the attachments by not looking at or reading everyday people's things, and keep studying the Fa. However, as soon as I was among ordinary people again, I found that my attachments were still present.
Of course, these attachments may not be eliminated all at once, so I had to keep eliminating them. When doing housework or even when walking, I worked to eliminate whatever attachments I identified, such as jealousy and a competitive mentality.
I also learned to pay attention to my thoughts. When a thought flashed by instantly, I identified what kind of attachment or combination of attachments it was. I knew I had to find the fundamental attachment that attracted the others, and remind myself that I didn't want it. When I cultivate my xinxing directly, the attachments are eliminated quickly, and Master also helps me eliminate them.
Some attachments took the form of a human being, as though someone was standing in front of me. I saw it become smaller and smaller until it was eliminated completely. Some attachments were like a web that gradually became thinner.
In short, when I elevate quickly my body also changes quickly. Sometimes, when illness karma comes, it's eliminated in a flash when I have very strong righteous thoughts. No matter what kind of interference I've encountered, the persecution did not succeed.
If there is anything inappropriate, please kindly point it out.
Thank you compassionate and Master! Heshi!