Advancing Forward and Experiencing and Passing a Test of Life and Death
(Minghui.org) Fellow practitioners encouraged me to share my experience after I passed a huge test of life and death. I witnessed how truly amazing Falun Dafa is and Master's enormous compassion. I hope that it will help fellow practitioners who have had similar experiences and also help those who are currently suffering from karmic tribulations. My personal experience has once again shown: Cultivation is extremely serious and one should not relax for a moment.
I started practicing Falun Dafa in the first half of 1997. Looking back over the ten-plus years I've cultivated, I've tripped and fallen along the way. Although I've done the three things, I wasn't diligent and seldom attended group Fa-study. The truth was that my priority was work and making money, and cultivating myself was secondary.
After finishing all my daily tasks, I seldom studied the Fa and I dozed off when I picked up the book. I couldn't break through this interference and kept thinking, “I'll sleep now and study the Fa tomorrow.” This vicious cycle dragged on day after day and I couldn't stop it. Although I didn't realize it, I was walking the path arranged by the old forces.
My mom is also a practitioner, but she wouldn't attend Fa-study due to the attachment of fear. She was always busy with household chores, and she usually fell asleep as soon as she sat down to read Zhuan Falun.
Our family noticed last year that she was losing weight rapidly, and they took her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with uremia. I didn't take the hint nor did I wake up and realize how serious cultivation is. Instead, I couldn't let go of my attachment of affection for my mom. I hadn't been studying the Fa, much less cultivating. Since I couldn't view what was happening from the standpoint of the Fa, I was worried and cried every day.
Suddenly in January 2014, everything I ate had no taste. I also became very picky about what I ate and often had diarrhea. A small, painful lump appeared in my lower abdomen.
The pain in my lower abdomen suddenly became intense in April. I couldn't go to work and my family took me to the hospital. An examination showed that there were three lumps. They would be difficult to operate on and the risk was very high. The doctors weren't sure if I could survive an operation.
My family transferred me to a provincial hospital which specialized in tumors. I stayed there for a month. The medical examination showed that it was a malignant tumor, and that I had advanced ovarian cancer. I couldn't have an operation. The doctors suggested that I undergo multiple courses of chemotherapy in order to shrink the tumor before I had the operation.
I felt I had no choice, so I went in for the first round of chemotherapy. A few days later all my hair fell out. My weight dropped from 57.7 kilos (127 pounds) to 35 kilos (77 pounds) and I became little more than skin and bones. I looked very scary. I couldn't eat anything and didn't have any energy. My face became as white as a piece of paper. In extreme pain and feeling hopeless, I thought of Master and Dafa. I knew that only Master could save me.
I cried and said, “I truly know that I've done wrong, Master. Please give me another chance. I'll definitely cultivate well. I didn't listen to your words, or study the Fa with my heart. I didn't use the standards of a cultivator to strictly require of myself at all times. If I leave now, what will happen to my relatives and sentient beings that have predestined connections with me?” No words can describe what remorse I felt!
After I was discharged, I couldn't close my eyes for several days due to the effect of the medication. Any loud sounds also caused me to have a headache. I was restless and had no energy, and I was mentally exhausted to the extreme. I had to take painkillers twice a day and place a hot water bag on my abdomen to relieve the pain at night. Even on the hottest days, I wore a long coat and jacket. I didn't dare to touch cold water nor wear cold slippers. I couldn't take a bath because my teeth would start chattering as soon as I removed my clothes. I forgot how it felt to be pain free and to live normally.
I picked up Zhuan Falun. At first, nothing went into my head because the thought karma was strongly interfering: “Don't study, it's too tiring.” However, my knowing side knew that I must continue. I picked up Zhuan Falun again and read for at least two minutes before I put it down again. I couldn't persist.
When I did the standing exercises, my head was filled with thoughts that didn't want me to continue the exercise. I couldn't stop thinking and I couldn't persist in doing the exercises. All day, my brain was controlled by thought karma and I kept imagining things. I constantly felt that death was creeping closer. The tremendous stress caused me to be agitated and confused. I was on the brink of collapse. What should I do?
A Fellow Practitioner Helped Me Return to Solid Cultivation
I only wanted to be with practitioners. With much difficulty, I took a bus to a practitioner's home. Even though I looked frightening, she was happy to see me and invited me to stay. She encouraged me to keep reading Zhuan Falun. I was moved by her righteousness and I knew I had to persist.
I was very tired the first day after I read Lecture Seven and Eight in Zhuan Falun. I had trouble understanding what Master was saying in the book. However, I calmed down a lot. Before I read Zhaun Falun, I was irritable and kept imagining things. It was very painful. Remembering what the practitioner said, I could, “Only study the Fa.”
This practitioner only slept for a short time each night, only about three hours. She spent most of her time reading Zhuan Falun with me. When we stopped for a break, we talked.
I saw how firmly she believed in Master and Dafa. I was amazed and admired her ability to endure hardship. For instance, she went to bed only after the time to send forth righteous thoughts at midnight and she got up at 3:45 a.m. to practice two hours of the meditation exercise. Her whole body shook from the pain in her legs while sitting in the lotus position but she didn't put her legs down.
I thought, “Cultivation is hard. I can't take this hardship.” However, I didn't want to return to the hospital, and my illness was incurable. What should I do? I could only walk the path of cultivation.
I kept remembering how the practitioner kept encouraging me and saying: “Believe in Master and the Fa. Only Master can save you. You can only advance forward and never turn back. Turning back will be a deep abyss.”
I knew I really couldn't turn back but advancing forward was so hard. I thought that since I could only move forward, I'll start by enduring hardship from sitting in the lotus position.
Even when I was healthy, it was hard for me to sit in the lotus position for one hour. Now, when I put my legs on top of each other, I couldn't bear the pain. The other practitioner encouraged me to persist. It seemed like the clock was ticking especially slowly. Finally, 10 minutes were up. I couldn't take it anymore and put my legs down. She said, “Good. We'll do it again tomorrow.”
We studied the Fa for hours during the day. She has strict requirements for me and never treated me as though I were “ill”. She didn't give me any time to relax. There was no, “you're tired, rest a while,” from her. Whenever we had a bit of time, she asked me to study more of the Fa.
The thought karma was interfering very strongly and I often had thoughts which told me not to study. “It's too tiring. How good it would be to lie on the bed and sleep a while.” These thoughts kept surfacing even when I was studying the Fa.
I didn't dare to stop studying when the practitioner was around. She treated me kindly and never raised her voice. Deep in my heart, I knew that whatever she said was right, and I persisted in studying the Fa regardless of what my thoughts were. Although I understood the principles, it was hard to do.
I remembered once when we started practicing the exercises at 3:45 a.m. We read the Fa after sending forth righteous thoughts at 6:00 a.m. We had breakfast for a half an hour before we continued again until 11:30 a.m. The practitioner said that she had something to attend to and asked me to rest a while before reading again.
The minute she left, I ran quickly to bed to have a nap. I slept until noon. I heard the practitioner calling me softly, “Wake up and send forth righteous thoughts.” Her voice wasn't loud but I was very startled. I thought, “I must never nap again. If I do, how can I return home with Master?”
The thought karma continued to be eliminated gradually as I studied more of the Fa. I also calmed down when studying and I was able to understand some Fa-principles that Master mentioned in the book.
However, I was unable to understand the Fa from the Fa and how to cultivate using the principles of the Fa, although the practitioner kept interacting with me. I asked, “What are human thoughts?” She replied, “Isn't the notion that a person can't eat this or that, human thoughts?” I started to remove my human attachments bit by bit. I dared to do what I had previously dared not do. I felt my heart becoming stable.
When my attachment to kinship surfaced, I wanted to visit my mom. The practitioner said, “My house is always open to you. You can come at any time. However, I feel that you are still not very stable. When you're really stable, I won't object to your going home.”
I didn't listen to her advice and went home. As soon as I returned home, I couldn't stay there. After two to three hours I started panicking. I couldn't take it once I left the practitioner's righteous energy field.
I knew that this was caused by my attachment to my mom, that I needed to let go of. Everyone has their own life. Regardless of whether I'm at home or not, my mom is continuing on her own path. My attachment was that I couldn't let go of this human notion.
I rarely returned home after that. I stayed at the practitioner's house and read the Fa solidly. Although bad thoughts kept surfacing, such as, “Will I be able to pass this tribulation? Will Master take care of me?” I knew that it was thought karma. I eliminated it. If I can only live for one day, I must be Master's true disciple for that one day. No matter how hard it is, I can only advance forward and never turn back.
I admired this practitioner's selfless deeds and words. She encouraged me to move forward. When I first came to her home, I didn't have much flesh left on my bottom. Thus, it was painful having to sit on cardboard and meditate. I told her that the cardboard was too hard. Without saying a word, she added a bed linen that was folded into a square.
She took great care of my needs. She doesn't have much money, yet she always cooked some fresh dishes at every meal. At that time, I had a lot of human thoughts – “I can't eat this, I can't eat that.” However, she didn't complain. She waited for me to elevate in my understanding based on the Fa and to eliminate my human attachments. To be honest, if she wasn't so patient, and didn't have strict requirements for me, I wouldn't have made it.
Several days passed and miracles started to happen: I could finally taste food. I could take a quick bath on a hot day. Occasionally I turned on the fan and didn't feel cold. This was impossible in the past as I was immediately in pain from the fan's breeze. Gradually, I could sleep more at night. After two weeks my weight went from 35 kilos (77 pounds) to more than 50 kilos (110 pounds). The most amazing thing is that the flesh in my lower abdomen was no longer painful.
After a month passed and I could use the fan and air-conditioner. I could wear short-sleeves and shorts, walk on the floor barefoot, and eat cold food that was taken straight from the freezer. Wow! This feeling of being healthy was really blissful! My relatives and those practitioners who knew me were amazed to see the change.
It really is amazing! Under the practitioner's help and one month of solid cultivation, the change was indeed tremendous. Only one book, Zhuan Falun could change a person so much.
“Don’t let up in studying the Fa;amidst it transformation happensLet nothing sway conviction;of it comes right fruit and the blooming lotus”(“Diligence and Righteous Enlightenment” in Hong Yin Vol. II)
Thank you Master for saving me from the brink of death and not abandoning me. I would also like to thank the practitioner who helped me selflessly during my tribulations. Only by cultivating diligently and solidly, would I not disappoint Master's compassionate salvation.
This is an unforgettable cultivation experience. It will become the driving force for my diligence. Once again, thank you compassionate Master! Thank you, fellow practitioners!
If there is anything inappropriate, please compassionately point it out.