Eliminating the Attachment to Protecting Myself
(Minghui.org) Although I have been cultivating for many years, I still have many attachments. I have worked at breaking free of them.
When my mind was clear I did stop those unrighteous thoughts. But as time passed I could see I was still affected by them. I looked within deeper and saw that those attachments were still very much in me, and I was not able to keep up the xinxing standard.
I had another xinxing conflict recently and was full of regret that I behaved negatively and was not able to remain calm. Once again I searched within. I realized the root of my problems was self protectiveness.
I am often aggressive and use harsh words with people, because I am afraid of being bullied. I figure if I am tough first, others will back off and not take advantage of me. When I feel jealous or become defensive, it is because I am offended. Again it is to protect myself. I project a sense of superiority and I show off, because I am trying to cover my pain and any feelings of inadequacy and humiliation. Again, this all has to do with my wanting to protect myself.
I realize now that these are not just attachments, that they are directly related to Party culture factors.
I began to send forth righteous thoughts often, concentrating on eliminating this need, this substance, called self protectiveness.
It affected me on the surface level, and I was dizzy and seriously fatigued for many days. Then I felt I had improved my xinxing. The strength of the attachments had decreased, and I felt calm. This also helped me in dealing with others who had similar issues. I knew now I needed to be more forgiving with them.
This is my understanding at my level. Please point out any shortcomings.
Category: Improving Oneself