(Minghui.org) I'm 84 this year. I began practicing Falun Dafa in 1996. I've experienced many serious tribulations on my cultivation path. Each was unique and had a different xinxing requirement for me to reach.
In July 2013, I experienced the most vicious sickness karma I had in over ten years: an explosive headache, loss of hearing, near blindness, plus severe cough. I coughed up thick pus, and there was thick pus in my urine. It took me twenty days to recover.
I've now realized that the cause of this tribulation was that I failed to let go of emotion. I've also come to understand that we must never forget to ask Master for help when encountering tribulations, and we must look inward. The process of overcoming tests and difficulties is also a process of cultivation and improvement.
Having faith in Master and looking inward during tribulation
On the morning of July 25, 2013, I felt cold all over during group Fa study. When I got home, I still felt cold, even though I had put on a wool jumper and a vest. I had some lunch and went to bed to rest. By the evening, I was shivering even under a couple of padded quilts.
After midnight, I developed an explosive headache. It was so severe that the slightest touch of the skin on my face, even by the tips of my hair, would cause me unbearable pain. I couldn't put my head on the pillow. I thought how my body has been given by Master, who gave me a new lease on life after purifying my body; in the past, I had been plagued by various kinds of illnesses beyond cure.
Master told us:
“Currently, whether it is karma elimination or interference from evil factors, that is all the work of the old forces. It’s all the same—they are just called different names. I am against all that the old forces do. I don’t accept any of it. And even less so should Dafa disciples be made to endure such suffering.” (“Fa Teaching at the 2013 Greater New York Fa Conference (Questions and Answers)”)
I realized that my condition must be interference from the old forces, taking the form of sickness karma. Thus, there must be loopholes in me that had been taken advantage of by the evil.
I was in great pain and kept groaning. A fellow practitioner kept sending forth righteous thoughts next to me, but it didn't seem to help much. She said, “You never groaned in the past when you went through sickness karma.”
I thought: “This tribulation is much more vicious and aggressive than the past sickness karma, when both of my thigh bones were broken. What's wrong this time? Is there a big problem in my cultivation? I must search within carefully.”
However, the headache was so severe that I couldn't even think. I could only ask Master to give me a hint, but I was determined to rectify myself. As soon as I had this thought, I heard a voice from far away: “Separate your issues. Separate, separate.”
“Whose voice was this?” I wondered. “Was it Master's? If it was Master's voice, then I would listen. What issues should be separated?” A little later, I fell asleep, still having the terrible headache. I didn't wake up until 10 a.m. the next morning.
My headache had subsided by then and I started to look within. What issues needed to be separated? A Fa principle came to mind that assistance centers should not gather money and goods. I thought: “Have I done things accordingly? How did I treat this issue?”
I'm a veteran practitioner who obtained the Fa before 1999. At that time, I was very diligent in cultivation. I was very active in promoting the Fa and helped in any way I could. After the persecution started, I didn't hide at home, but took on the role of an assistant even though I hadn't been one before.
I proactively looked for ways to source information for truth-clarification materials, used my own money to make materials, and helped set up a material production site. Fellow practitioners also realized the importance of truth clarification and helped set up small material production sites one after another. Thus, we maintained a rather stable situation with regard to materials provision in our area.
Practitioners were keen to contribute money for making truth-clarification materials to save people. Many of them gave me money for this. I kept a record of all contributions and sent the money to material production sites. I didn't keep any money for myself.
Recently, however, for over a year, we didn't use all of the money contributed by fellow practitioners. While I had thought of the Fa principle that assistance centers should not gather money or goods, I found it hard to say no to practitioners, so over time I had more and more money in my hands.
For example, a fellow practitioner didn't have any income, but still tried to save money from the living allowance given by her daughter. She insisted on giving me money for truth-clarification materials. I explained to her why I couldn't accept any money from her, but she still quietly left behind 2,000 yuan. I was touched by her sincerity and thought it would hurt her feelings if I returned the money.
Some practitioners tried several times to make contributions, and I accepted their money in the end. Some practitioners refused to listen to my explanation and kept contributing money. They also brought money from other practitioners, saying the money could not be returned. As time went on, I had more and more money in my hands, from several hundred to several thousand yuan, and eventually tens of thousands.
I realized that I hadn't done well in this respect and allowed human sentiment to get ahead of the Fa requirement.
Assistance centers should not gather money or goods. This is the way set by Master for the spread of Dafa in the human world. As practitioners, we must safeguard Dafa. We cannot change the Fa requirement. Master told us not to gather money. If we did so, weren't our actions damaging Dafa?
I was only receiving money, keeping a clear record of every contribution. The money was kept by another practitioner. I never touched a cent. Still, gathering money already violated the Fa requirement, and this was the problem. I did what I shouldn't have done.
Master said,
“Maintaining Dafa’s tradition, upholding Dafa’s cultivation principles, and persevering in true cultivation are long-term tests for every Dafa disciple.” (“Abandon Human Attachments and Continue True Cultivation” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
In recent times, I've deviated from the Fa requirement of not gathering money and goods and have gone astray in personal cultivation. If a cultivator fails to safeguard the Fa, it is as bad as damaging the Fa. It is a very serious matter. I've come to understand that this was the loophole taken advantage of by the old forces.
What Master hinted to me was to separate the Fa principle from human sentiment. We must not mix the Fa with human sentimentality, and we should not confuse human feelings with Fa principles and requirements.
Pursuit of fame hidden behind feelings
I also found attachment to fame hidden behind my feelings. People chose to give their money to me instead of other practitioners. I was quite flattered by their trust. I took it very seriously and felt proud of it. I was reluctant to hurt people's feelings or lose their trust. In fact, I was trying to protect my attachment to fame.
I remembered another incident that made me feel ashamed. A few years ago, my husband was very sick. The person we hired to look after him soon also got sick and was hospitalized. My daughter was also sick and hospitalized. I was already 80 years old and had to look after my sick husband and do all house chores. It was really hard to take care of everything.
After my husband passed away, I sorted out our finances and found 30,000 yuan extra. I thought it must be money from practitioners that I had forgotten to put where it should be. Even if it belonged to me, I would use all of it for projects to save people.
Last year, I gave 20,000 yuan to a material production site and used 10,000 to purchase mobile phones and phone cards. If practitioners had money, they could pay me; otherwise, they could use these items for free. It seemed that I didn't do anything wrong, as the money was being spent on truth-clarification efforts to save people. But, I told practitioners that I had used my own money to buy those mobile phones and phone cards. They were all touched by this “unselfish contribution.” However, in fact, I had taken credit for the merit of others. Wasn't it deceiving others to win fame for myself?
Master said:
“Those who are attached to their reputations practice an evil way, full of intention. Once they gain renown in this world, they are bound to say good but mean evil, thereby misleading the public and undermining the Fa.” (“Cultivators’ Avoidances” in Essentials for Further Advancement)
Attachment to reputation should be a big avoidance for genuine cultivators. It is very dirty and low. For personal reputation, one could go to the extent of lying and resorting to all means. It pushes human morals downhill. If a practitioner fails to let go of the attachment to reputation, it may come forth at any time to trap him, block his cultivation path, or even make him undermine the Fa unwittingly.
If it hadn't been for the hint from Master, my cultivation would be ruined due to my attachment to reputation. If one fails to relinquish her attachment to fame, no matter how much she contributes to doing Dafa work, she will still be someone who says good but means evil, misleading people and undermining the Fa.
Breaking through emotion and passing tests with righteous thoughts
Just when I thought I had found my attachments, my head started aching again—and worse than before. The veins behind my ears were blue and swollen, and every second was unbearably painful. I thought the old forces were not worthy of interfering with me. I asked Master to give me another hint so that I could find other attachments. I also asked Master to save me because I was determined to return home with Master.
At that point I heard a voice coming from afar: “Let go of your concerns. Let go, let go.” I thought: “If Master said this, then I would listen. No evil factor is allowed to interfere with me.” I quietly repeated, “Let go, let go.” Then I fell asleep, even though I was in great pain.
On the third day, my headache was a bit better, and the veins behind my ears were also back to normal. However, new symptoms appeared. Now I was also dizzy and my vision was blurry. People in front of me looked like dark shadows, and I could not hear anything—the door bell, phone ringing, people talking—nothing at all. I had to communicate with others by writing, or have someone shout into my ear.
I noticed lumps of blood on the pillow and asked my daughter to take a look. She found that my ears were filled with dark bloody pustules. When I coughed, I could hardly breathe and coughed up heaps of pus, and there was pus even in my urine. It looked like my organs had gone rotten. Both my son and daughter were terribly scared.
I wasn't worried. I believed that Master would definitely not allow me to become blind and deaf. How would I be able to clarify the truth to save people then? I thought that this terrifying test must be a false appearance created by the old forces.
My life was given Master and created by Dafa. The old forces were in no position to test me through sickness karma. I believed that Master was looking after me, so I asked Master to help me make it through. Some practitioners saw that I was too slow in group Fa study, so they suggested that I wear a hearing aid. I said no, I would get better. I kept sending forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the evil and looking inward: “What are the problems Master asked me to let go? What problems do I have?”
My daughter insisted that I should be treated in a hospital, and my son made an appointment for me to see a doctor. A driver came to pick me up. I was very firm and said: “I'm a practitioner and would bear whatever I need to bear and pass the tests that I need to pass. I have my Master protecting me. I have nothing to fear.”
Before, when I had broken my thigh bone, I went along with my children when they tricked me into going to the hospital “only for a checkup.” They left me there to be treated, and I agreed to it with reluctance. The doctors put steel pins in my leg and for a long time I could not sit cross-legged. In comparison, another time I had a broken thigh bone that was not treated by modern medicine. It healed miraculously as I continued to cultivate, and I could move that leg freely.
This time, I was determined not to be moved by my children's demands. I realized that I must face up and let go of my attachment to human feelings – my feelings for my children.
Fellow practitioners cared a lot about me. One came to see me before she went out of town for a few days. She encouraged me to keep strong righteous thoughts and break through the interference.
I kept pouring out the medicine that my daughter prepared for me. One day, I heard my children talking about forcing me to take the medicine: One of them would hold me while the other fed me the medicine.
My daughter said to me, “Nobody knows whether you are really taking the medicine, since you are not in the hospital.” She didn't understand why cultivators do not take medicine; she thought that I refused to take medicine to uphold some kind of reputation.
I felt really miserable upon hearing that my children would force me this way. I had dealt with sickness karma a number of times before, and they both had seen how I made it through with firm faith in Master and Dafa. However, they were still treating me like an everyday person.
I realized that I had not clarified the facts about Dafa to my family well. If I had, there wouldn't be such a situation. I calmed down and said to my children: “You both have high education. If you treat your mother so savagely, you would be laughed at by the neighbors. Don't you know how to reason with people?
I continued: “I appreciate your filial piety, but I cannot do what you want me to do. Hospitals cannot cure my sickness. It is beyond ordinary understanding and cannot be cured by hospitals. They can only postpone it at most. I'm over 80 now and don't have much time left for cultivation. If I don't do things according to the requirements of a cultivator, I will fail in cultivation and not have another chance.
“You both have benefited from Dafa. Before I started cultivation, I was very sick, beyond cure, and all you could do was cry and feel sad. Now I'm still alive and in good health, and I'm very happy. I haven't been a burden to you. I enjoy the company of my children and grandchildren, and our whole family is enjoying a happy life.”
I asked my daughter: “Do you really think your cancer was cured by some brilliant doctors within half a year? You only read Zhuan Falun once, but Master still took care of you. Now you've not only failed to repay Master's compassion, but you even dare to treat Master's disciple this way. If you ruin my chance to cultivate, do you know how sad Master would feel? Are you worthy of Master's grace?”
I added: “It's a big crime to ruin a cultivator. A hospital may be able to make me feel a bit better, but it cannot cure the sickness completely. If you cause delay or hindrance in my cultivation, it would be bad for me and for you. It would be an enormous sin—a karmic debt that you could not repay, and neither could your children or grandchildren.”
Both of my children listened quietly and seemed to understand what I was saying. In the end, they said: “If you don't take medicine, have some steamed pear with ice sugar. You can also wear a hearing aid.”
I said firmly to my children: “I have Master and Dafa with me. I will recover.”
Going along with emotion invites tribulations
My son said: “You can't hear when we knock on the door or call you. When we talk to you, we have to shout. What would you do if you turned completely deaf?”
I told him: “Don't worry about me while you are away on business. I'll be fine upon your return.”
He replied doubtfully, “We'll see.”
A few days later, my son came back. I went to open the door.
He said in surprise, “So, you are well?”
I replied, “How could I have come to open the door if I hadn't heard you knocking?”
He thought about it and then murmured, “You must have indeed recovered.”
The fellow practitioner who went out of town came to see me as soon as she got back. She was happy to see that I could hear again.
Human emotions and sentiment toward our children are what we should let go of. If I had given in to my feelings for my children and their filial piety, going along with human feelings and agreeing to take medicine and be hospitalized, I wouldn't have been able to make it through this huge tribulation. I can hardly imagine what would have happened to me then.
In 2012, I suddenly felt sick and could not eat for over twenty days. I tried hard to look inward, and fellow practitioners also helped me look for my issue. One day, a practitioner said that he thought I had violated the Fa principle of not keeping or killing animals. It was indeed the case.
My children often brought chickens, ducks and fish to my place and begged me to look after them, especially around festival times. Out of my love for my children, I could not say no. They said I only needed to take care of these animals for a few days, but it always went on for a long time.
I thought: “I didn't want to keep them and had no intention of killing the chickens, ducks or fish.” However, the Fa has different requirements for practitioners at different levels. I've cultivated to the stage where I must break through human feelings. If I don't want to keep the animals at my place, then I should be firm, without looking for an excuse to follow human sentiment instead of the Fa requirements.
I was really pleased that I found this attachment and finally understood what I should do. I thanked my fellow practitioners for their help. At lunch time that day, I was able to eat a big bowl of rice, bringing an end to the sickness karma of not being able to eat. Hadn't I invited the tribulation myself by failing to let go of human sentiment?
My children were really worried upon hearing about my sickness. They came to see me as soon as they got back from their business trip.
My housemaid told them as soon as they arrived: “Don't bring any chickens, ducks or fish here anymore. Your mom has suffered so much because of this. She couldn't eat for over twenty days. If it hadn't been for her fellow practitioners' help, I can't imagine what would have happened to her.”
In the past, whenever I encountered sickness karma, I always thought that I would pass the test in order to validate the Fa. Recently, when I came across tests and difficulties, I paid more attention to looking inward. I also asked fellow practitioners to help me search within.
When I identified my attachments and improved my xinxing, the tribulations quickly disappeared. The process of eliminating tribulations is also a process of cultivation and elevation.
Human emotions and attachments are a hindrance, but the Fa principles are heavenly. Cultivation is a serious matter. As cultivators, we must not ignore the attachment to human sentiment, which is mixed with pursuit of fame and gain. We are surrounded by human emotions in our daily lives, and they wind up in our thoughts and try to lure us into ignoring Fa principles.
Even though I passed the test in July 2013, it doesn't mean that I have let go of all human sentiment. When practitioners insisted on giving me their contributions later on, I again became unsure of what to do. Just as I was about to give in to human sentiment, my head started to ache as a warning.
One practitioner tried very hard to get me to accept her contribution. She left the money quickly and was gone. Maybe it was a test to see if I could truly let go of human emotions and balance the relationship between human feelings and Dafa. I went to the practitioner and talked to her.
I was very firm that we needed to safeguard the Fa and let go human sentiment. I knew that I needed to walk my cultivation path righteously.
On our journey of cultivation, any human emotions can lead to tribulations if they are not abandoned for a long time. Of course, when tribulations occur, there must be something that one needs to relinquish in cultivation, and one needs to look inward and identify what it is. When in tribulation, we must remember that Master is right beside us, protecting us and waiting for us to improve.
