(Minghui.org) One day towards the end of 2009, I was on my way home after an experience-sharing session with fellow practitioners when my feet started to hurt, causing me to limp home. The pain soon left, but returned a few days later. I didn't pay much attention to it, since it lasted only a short time with long periods in between, nor did it affect my Dafa work. By 2012, I started experiencing pain in various parts in my legs and feet. The pain occurred more frequently and severely; sometimes keeping me awake through the night and I sweated profusely.
I tried dealing with it in various ways, such as sending righteous thoughts, seeking a benevolent resolution, looking within for xinxing problems, but nothing seemed to work. Master's new lecture deeply touched my heart.
Master said,
“Then think about this: are you “cultivating with the heart you once had”? (“Fa Teaching at the 2013 Greater New York Fa Conference”)
I didn't have an answer to this question. Was I cultivating with the heart I once had? I felt various emotions rising as I recalled the days when I was cultivating the way I did in the beginning. From the end of 1995 to 1999 before the persecution started, I maintained a stable cultivation state. I attended group exercises every morning at the practice site, and group Fa-study after work. My heart was filled with happiness beyond description. Even though I was busy at work, loaded with household chores and could only manage four hours of sleep at night, I was full of energy and my body felt light and relaxed. I had major decay in a wisdom tooth and had it removed. I felt excruciating pain where the tooth was pulled out. The pain lasted nine months, but my heart was never moved. I was so determined to eliminate karma, purify my body and return home with Master. Why didn't I have that feeling any more?
I did very well in the beginning when Dafa practitioners around the world started to do the exercises together at a fixed time; I even added another practice session in the evening. During the movement “Golden monkey splitting its body,” I felt my body expanding to an infinite distance; during the movement “Vajra toppling a mountain,” I felt big mountains toppling right in front of me. When I was doing “Embracing the wheel,” I felt an enormous universe rotating in my arms. I really enjoyed doing the exercises at that time, but not long after, my daughter returned home for a holiday festival. I had to finish some work in the evenings, so I eliminated the evening exercise session. Whenever I stayed up late, I found it hard to get up early in the morning, and gradually started missing the morning exercises too. I didn't feel comfortable about it, but I still found excuses and said to Master: “It's not that I don't want to do the exercises, I really don't have time for it! I have tasks to finish on schedule. I know that I must continually improve my xinxing. I'll let the Fa cultivate me.” I began to slack off and was unperturbed about not doing the exercises. The old forces then had the opportunity to interfere with me and intensified their interference through physical persecution.
I took up Falun Gong practice because I was sick at the time. I remember how Master cleansed my body in those days. I felt the warm current running through my body, and the lumbar herniated disc that had kept me bedridden for months was fixed overnight. Within half a year, I experienced the entire process of “placement of the mysterious pass” and “opening of the heavenly circuit” Master talked about in Zhuan Falun. My skin turned as soft as a child's. Many people around me started practicing Falun Gong after witnessing these changes. However, I developed attachments from this and paid excessive attention to showing people the positive effects of the practice. I was worried that if I did have physical problems, it would undermine Dafa and interfere with saving sentient beings.
The old forces started interfering with me in various ways due to these attachments, to prevent me from validating the Fa. I had previously studied five lectures in Zhuan Falun daily. I felt very good when sending righteous thoughts that night and immediately entered a state of tranquility while sitting in meditation. I was wrapped in energy and kept sending righteous thoughts for forty minutes, while bad substances were dissolved one after another. When I finished and was about to uncross my legs, four divine beings appeared. One said sternly: “You've finished what you were doing. You can leave now.” I asked,“Who are you? My Master hasn't told me to go!” He said again: “You've accumulated enough mighty virtue. You can leave now.” I replied, “No, I don't care about mighty virtue. I just want to finish what my Master has asked me to do.” As I uncrossed one leg, another one said, “Don't move, just stay the way you are. Let's see your impressive and dignified bearing!” I then started to feel blood rising to my head and my heart started beating fast; my body started to shake as well. They laughed at me, as if saying, “You must leave – even if you don't want to.” I realized that they wanted me to die a sudden death from a heart attack. I began gasping for air, but raised my hand with considerable effort, pointed to them and said, “What you say doesn't matter. I only listen to my Master. You want me to die, to undermine the Fa. That's impossible! I'll eliminate you!” They then disappeared. I stood up, but my legs felt very weak, my heart was still beating fast, and my head felt heavy. My thoughts were on working to get the truth-clarification materials ready for others to pick up the next day. An hour later, everything returned to normal.
On another occasion, I went to attend a local Fa-conference. I was about 100 meters away from a fellow practitioner's home (where the conference was to be held) when suddenly, my head started to swell and my heart beat rapidly. I heard a voice in my head: “You'll die at the conference! How happy and peaceful you will feel, dying in the arms of your fellow practitioners!” I couldn't see anything, but felt that something was next to me. I said to it, “You're doing bad things again, but you won't succeed!” I kept reciting the verses for sending righteous thoughts, completely denying all of the old forces' arrangements and dissolving them. I continued walking towards the practitioner's home. When I arrived at the door, my heartbeat had returned to normal.
The old forces are really wicked. Between 2006 and 2009, they interfered with me again. My knees started hurting and became swollen. I couldn't squat for the fourth exercise and had great difficulty walking upstairs. My knees would suddenly give out while I was walking in the middle of a road, making me vulnerable to a car accident. All of their attempts failed, thanks to Master's protection. The old forces said insidiously: “People will see your legs in this condition; aren't you worried about undermining the Fa? Go hide yourself somewhere so that no one can see you, and don't cause any negative influence among your fellow practitioners. Just quietly disappear from this world.” I endured enormous pain during that time, but kept sending righteous thoughts. I denied the old forces again and again, and one day the pain suddenly went away.
I pulled through the life and death test, but the old forces still managed to take advantage of my loopholes. Recently, I've spent most of my time working at a desk, and gained a lot of weight around my waist and stomach. I thought: “This is ugly. I'd better lose some weight!” I lost some weight, but only from my face. As my face became thinner, bags appeared under my eyes, so did wrinkles. My cheeks lost their suppleness and my complexion looked dull. I didn't want to go out to see anyone. I thought that if I wasn't in a good state, I would not be able to validate the Fa. I was depressed and looked drained. Due to this attachment to appearance, I was not even notified of the annual excursion for retirees. I recognized my problem and thought that I shouldn't miss this opportunity to clarify the facts about Falun Gong. I rectified my state of mind and went to the excursion cheerfully with my old colleagues. The truth-clarification went quite well that day.
All Fears are Human Attachments
I was diagnosed with rectal cancer before I started practicing Falun Gong. I felt completely hopeless at the time. However, I experienced a miraculous recovery after watching Master's Fa-lecture videos. I was arrested and detained several times at the beginning of the persecution, and my physical condition deteriorated. After I returned home, I still passed blood in my stool from time to time, sometimes a lot of blood, and I felt rather weak. Later, I enlightened to the historical reason for this condition. During the 1911 Revolution period (revolution that toppled the Qing Dynasty and established the Republic of China), I was a platoon leader in the revolutionary army. Once, I saw two young soldiers trying to escape the battlefield. They were shaking with fear while climbing up the trench. I thrust bayonets into their buttocks, right into their abdominal cavities. They screamed in pain and I burst out laughing. I recognized the debts I owed them and the lives I'd harmed. I endured the pain to repay the debts; at the same time, I tried to seek a benevolent resolution. I passively accepted this arrangement, and I was in this state of mind for six years!
By accepting this arrangement, I was actually following the principles of the old universe instead of following Master's Fa-rectification principles. I was walking on a path arranged by the old forces and accepting their so-called tests rather than completely denying them. Now, I realize that the old forces had systematically arranged these so-called tests in meticulous detail, including where and when one committed karma, what particular karma would be committed, whose lives were to be harmed, and what bitter tests we should go through during Master's Fa-rectification period before they'd acknowledge our consummation. I realized that I'd failed to make a breakthrough in my understanding on this issue and was subsequently manipulated by the old forces. I battled along, stumbled and fell and incurred multiple injuries along the way. Still, I readily accepted the arrangements of the old forces when it came to specific issues.
I have a super-sensitive peripheral nervous system, and I'm much more sensitive than others to things around me and react to them. A fellow practitioner was suffering from a lung disease due to torture. I went to visit him in a hospital, and my lungs felt very uncomfortable with piercing pain, and I started coughing like him. Another practitioner developed breast cancer due to the stress of persecution. I went to her house to send righteous thoughts with her. Some fluid started seeping through my skin on the left side of my chest as well. A senior fellow practitioner suffered from a brain hemorrhage, so I rushed over to see him. When I got there, I started to feel pressure on the left side of my head, my lips and tongue became stiff, and my right hand and leg also felt numb. Each time I had such reactions, I would firmly deny them and eliminate the symptoms. However, I also became a bit fearful, since these things were occurring more frequently. I asked Master to seal off my body so that those bad things could not affect me, and at the same time, I tried not to get too close to such situations.
I always felt that I didn't have enough endurance due to my normal body constitution, and as a result, I acknowledged the endurance tests arranged by the old forces. Since I couldn't get over the pain in my feet and legs for over three years through studying the Fa, doing the exercises, sending righteous thoughts and seeking a benevolent resolution, I thought that I might as well just face it. With this mentality, the pain returned. Lately, I've been in pain every day and it lasts longer and is getting more severe. At first, I thought the pain was not life-threatening and it didn't affect my Dafa work, so I just dealt with it. Later, it became so intense that I could no longer go out. I was also worried that my condition would undermine the image of Dafa practitioners, so I confined myself to home.
I subsequently fell into the trap set by the old forces and got into a vicious cycle. I felt deeply depressed when the pain became unbearable and found it very hard to lift my spirits. Even though I still managed to do what I should, I was not as firm as before in believing in Master and Dafa, and I was even hoping that Master's Fa-rectification would finish soon so that I would no longer have to suffer like this in the human world. I began to lose the drive for being diligent in cultivation and started to think like an everyday person. During my 18 years of cultivation, I had long ago removed the notion of “sickness,” but now I asked my daughter to give me a check-up and find out what the problem was, but she couldn't come up with a clear diagnosis. I turned to non-practitioner's ways to deal with the pain, such as avoiding eating anything that irritates the nervous system, giving up coffee, keeping a regular daily schedule and trying to be as relaxed as possible. In fact, there was nothing wrong with doing these things on the surface, but I used them as a means to solve my problems. I didn't take any medication, but I'd already failed to properly understand the issue.
I developed more human attachments. A few elderly practitioners nearby passed away due to sickness karma. I recognized that some couldn't let go of their emotional attachment to their children and family. I thought that I'd never be like that. Recently however, when I was feeling a lot of pain, I too hoped that my daughter was around. I felt that it would be good if she supported me with righteous thoughts and read the Fa with me. Deep down however, I desired comfort, attention and understanding, hoping that these would help reduce my pain and suffering. The old forces also kept communicating messages, hoping that I would die. I also experienced scenes of me passing away. Although I kept denying their arrangements and firmly believed that I would reach consummation, I couldn't help worrying about my daughter, thinking that she would be upset and lonely, and it would be more difficult for her without me around. Now, I realize how much I was attached to family and children. I ignored the fact that Master is taking care of every practitioner, and instead thought about how important it was for me to stay around my daughter. I noticed that when some elderly practitioners weren't physically well, they started to arrange for their funerals, including how to distribute their assets. I became aware and realized that if we cannot let go of emotional attachment to family and children, the next thing that happens is that we then go along with the old forces' arrangements.
Reflecting upon my mental process in dealing with physical and health issues, I realize that I have acknowledged too much of the old forces' arrangements. I found all kinds of excuses for not being able to change my situation, such as historical reasons, family history of sicknesses, past life experiences, irresistible external factors, etc. By acknowledging these, I endured the unscrupulous physical “tests” imposed on me by the old forces.
What is the correct understanding of these issues? If it's elimination of karma, then we should face it; if it's interference, we should clear it out. After studying Master's latest Fa-lecture, I understand that what has happened to me is not only a matter of dealing with personal physical conditions, but a matter of denying the old forces, of breaking through their evil persecution and clearing out all degenerated substances. It's about following Master in Fa-rectification, about rectifying at least, our own small universe and saving the sentient beings there, so that it meets the Fa-rectification standards.
How can we meet the requirements set by Master? We must let go of all the attachments to our flesh bodies, including historical origin, inborn characteristics, various mindsets at different stages, differences with others, personal perspectives and feelings, notions surrounding our human body, emotional reactions, external pursuits, etc. We must let go of all these, including those we may not be aware of, but have already formed at different levels. To truly walk towards divine beings, in addition to xinxing standards, we must also let go of the ultimate attachment to our flesh bodies in the human world.
The above is some of my understanding at my level. Please kindly point out anything inappropriate.
