(Minghui.org) I was shaken after reading a Minghui editorial about showing off, along with Master's comments. I read it over and over. On the surface it seemed that the article had little to do with me, but when I calmed down and searched within, I was stunned to see that I also had said and done things to undermine the Fa. These were things that came from my attachments to fame and showing off, which had not been completely eliminated. I had never thought of this before and never wanted to consider such things. But I have to face my mistakes, expose them, and rectify myself.
Looking back at my cultivation process, I feel that the mentality of showing off has been my fundamental attachment. I grew up in an environment where others all envied me. In my career, my services were needed, and everyone surrounded me with compliments, praise, and things pleasing to hear. In time I got use to them and became arrogant and condescending. Because I am easygoing and have good relationships, the attachments were not obvious.
After I began cultivating, I knew these were not good traits, and in order to cultivate them away, I suffered a great deal. I was a coordinator for most of the time during the past dozen years of persecution. I paid a great deal of attention to Fa study and memorizing the Fa, and normally I was able to look within whenever I encountered problems, and pay attention to my words and deeds. I tried my best to do things based on the Fa, and tried not to make any mistakes or cause any losses. Many fellow practitioners acknowledged me, commended me, and praised me. I did not know the damage this praise could cause, and thought I would not be affected by such praise, but I liked hearing it.
Fellow practitioners valued and appreciated my abilities. Compared to others, I studied the Fa a great deal, and many practitioners felt that I understood the Fa well, and they enjoyed discussing things with me. They all enjoyed my sharing in group study. I gradually became rather famous in our area. Whenever I went to other counties or townships, many came to the sharing and listened, sometimes in several groups. I did't like this, and felt it was not on the Fa, but I could not refuse when organizers said that others were also sharing, not just me. But I noticed I was the one who talked the most. On my way home, my words and deeds would play back like a movie and make me uncomfortable.
I often remembered Master's Fa,
“But people would eventually believe in them, thinking what they said was sensible; in turn, people trusted them more and more. As a result, people would be devoted to them instead of to religions. Upon developing an attachment to fame and self-interest, they would ask the public to honor them with some titles. After that, they would found new religions. I am telling you that all of these are evil religions. Even if they do not harm people, they are still evil practices because they have interfered with people’s faith in orthodox religions. Orthodox religions can save people, but they cannot.” (Zhuan Falun)
In order not to get involved in something like this, I never actively participated in sharing meetings, and many times I went reluctantly. Since I was the coordinator, there were many problems that needed to be solved, particularly in the first few years of the persecution. To encourage more practitioners to step forward, there were more sharing meetings, and I could not avoid them. From their compliments and praise, I felt that people were admiring me, and my mentality of showing off got stronger. I was still able to look within at times, but I felt like a clown performing, I felt awful whenever I noticed that my words and deeds were not on the Fa, and I decided to no longer go to sharing meetings. Wherever I traveled, I did not notify anyone. I just went and got problems solved, things taken care of, and then returned home. But usually local coordinators still gathered practitioners for sharing. I noticed that I still had a strong sense of showing off. The more people who came, the happier I became. I was still not able to handle myself well.
From memorizing the Fa, I realized that my attachment to showing off had not been relinquished. In order to stamp out this attachment, I refused to attend sharing meetings, and went back to being an ordinary practitioner instead of a coordinator. But fellow practitioners tried to persuade me that I should continue, that it was my responsibility. When I stopped being coordinator, I was persecuted twice.
For two or three years I did not accept the responsibility of being a coordinator, and only focused on projects. I felt much lighter, and felt I no longer had the bad tendency to show off. But I was required to coordinate things again recently, and I discovered that my attachments had not been relinquished and were still there. I knew I had to cultivate solidly now and could no longer avoid being a coordinator. I was again pushed to the front lines. It seemed that I was quite noticeable, and that everyone relied on me and paid attention to me. I became good at handling things, had ideas on what to do, was good at expressing my opinions, making my points, and ordering people around. However, I discovered that whenever I opened my mouth, I was validating myself; it came naturally. I noticed the words I spoke were not pure, but contained something improper. I was miserable.
Master stated,
“A well-known person does not necessarily know things well.” (Zhuan Falun)
I realized that precisely because I did not understand some things well, I became a “famous” person locally. Because I did not understand the Fa on the basis of the Fa, I was only suppressing showing off on the surface, and passively avoiding situations where they might occur. It was very difficult to eliminate the enormous tendency I had accumulated over time.
I have been persevering in memorizing the Fa since 2005. I have watched Master's lecture to the Australian practitioners over and over. I came to understand what was behind the mentality of showing off, including being opinionated, feeling that I am better than others, condescension, and a strong sense of validating self. These are the major obstacles in my cultivation path. Because of the attachment to showing off, I developed a strong sense of validating myself.
After I understood, I eliminated much of the mentality of showing off through solid cultivation. But I noticed that my mentality was still not quite upright after I carried out tasks successfully. Master said,
“Cultivation depends on one’s own efforts, while the transformation of gong is done by one’s master.” (Zhuan Falun)
But I still developed human emotions when other showered me with praise, and still thought it showed that I had my merits.
After I studied the Fa published after 2009, I realized that when I did not handle myself well it was because I still had not found my true self. Even though on the basis of the Fa, I realized it was not me, I still felt it was me, and beings in other dimensions reinforced this feeling. But when I am able to find my true self, that mentality of showing off is no longer that hard to eliminate, and I am now handling myself better and better.
I recently read the Minghui editorials, studied Master's comments over and over, and reread Essentials for Further Advancement, and Zhuan Falun. I am now becoming clearer on many things. I truly feel that Dafa has changed me on a fundamental level.
Because of these changes, I finally realized that due to human emotions I have been validating myself, which has been disrespectful to Master and undermining the Fa. When sharing with fellow practitioners, when showing myself off, I did not validate Dafa and Master. Instead, I was explaining how I did it, how I understood things. I was forcing my opinion on others, and unintentionally letting fellow practitioners develop admiration for me. My words and deeds were not on the basis of the Fa. When I quoted Master's Fa, I did not clarify that it was what Master had said, because I felt that everyone knew that already, so I thought didn't have to explain. Even when I explained it was what Master said and continued speaking without a pause, wasn't it still undermining the Fa?
Master taught us,
“In teaching the Fa, I have mentioned many times that the emergence of scriptures in Sakyamuni’s Buddhism and in the Dharma-Ending Period was brought about mainly because some people added into the Dharma their own words and understandings—this is the greatest lesson in history. Nevertheless, some disciples simply refuse to abandon their ordinary human attachments. Being taken advantage of by the demon-nature of being attached to showing off their eloquence and literary talents, they unknowingly undermine the Buddha Fa.” (“Non-Omission in Buddha-Nature” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
Master warned us long time ago,
“Disruption of the Fa takes many forms, of which unintentional disruption by disciples themselves is the most difficult to detect. Sakyamuni’s Buddhism began its deterioration in just this way and the lesson is profound.” (“Awakening” from Essentials for Further Advancement)
I now truly realize the seriousness of cultivation. According to Master's "A Heavy Blow," we should study Essentials for Further Advancement ten times. If we truly believe Master, no matter how much we understand, we should read the book ten times. It will then be difficult to make the mistakes I made. Master is directly saving us, and throughout the entire cosmos gods are envying us. If we do not study the Fa well, what else are we pursuing?
