(Minghui.org) For some time, I have been in a state of confusion. I have not known how to save sentient beings, including my close relatives. Some of them hold great prejudice towards me. Some have pretty strong misunderstandings and hatred of me, and others are atheist and don't believe what I say. There are some that know that Dafa is good, but they don't want to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party.
I was very anxious and troubled that I still had so many problems as Fa-rectification approaches the end. I kept looking inward, but I did not find my fundamental problem.
A few days ago, I was reading a fellow practitioner's article. The title was, “I Have Found my Fundamental Attachment.” After reading it, I decided that I should calm my mind and think over my cultivation path. I realized that for the past seven years, a little voice was telling me, “They're praising you again!” whenever I did something rather well or I did a little better than others around me.
I knew from the Fa that this voice was not a positive thing. I realized I have been looking inward, but had ignored this problem because I wanted to feel good. Suddenly I realized I had been cultivating very passively for the last seven years.
Since I was a little child, those who knew me said that everyone looked down on me. People called me a coward because I cried when I was beaten or when someone was laughing at me or bullying me. I would just accept this humiliation.
Even when I did something good for others, I was misunderstood for being meddlesome and I would get beaten. Thus, I felt that I was rather foolish, and I had very low self-esteem.
To compensate I started to become very arrogant about my appearance, trying to be very fashionable. I made sure I wore nice clothes and kept my temperament pleasing. However, this meant people around me looked at me with praise and envy. I realized that due to my very low self-esteem, I had let this kind of praise and envy give me psychological comfort and from this I gained what I thought was self-confidence.
In fact I was becoming vain and an attachment of pursuit showed up.
I came to really recognize that I was behaving oddly because of these attachments. My low self-esteem has been the biggest obstacle to saving people around me. My arrogance makes me unreasonable in conflicts with people, making me unable to do Fa-rectification work. This is no way to save sentient beings.
By trying to take advantage of my outward appearance, my attachment of showing off took control of my body. When my main consciousness was strong, I tried to rectify my incorrect state and stop it with righteous thoughts. But, when my main consciousness was not strong and when I had a strong human mind, bad things occurred. I realized that this was a serious problem. If this attachment emerged when practitioners were working together, our whole group could be affected.
Consequently, I decided to reduce my contact with fellow practitioners as much as possible, keeping things to myself, unless our whole group or other fellow practitioners asked me to be present. However, time and again, I needed to tell myself not to have any human notions, especially the attachment of zealotry, the most disturbing of all.
But I now realize that I have been cultivating by simply avoiding things because I am afraid I am not worthy of being a practitioner and am not doing a good job in cultivation. This attachment in fact is a result of low self-esteem. Looking back at my seven-year cultivation path, I came to realize today that I have been cultivating not as a true Dafa practitioner, but within this attachment of low self-esteem and vanity.
Fellow practitioners, kindly please correct my errors.
