How Fear Has Kept Me from Elevating

(Minghui.org) Over the years I have noticed how fear has kept me from elevating. At each level it has produced its own varying difficulties. I also noticed that at different layers there are different attachments connected to fear, much like how smaller particles make up larger particles.

Each time I tried to trace my problem, I found the attachments of selfishness, ego, renown, and arrogance. Yet I wasn't able to find the real root. I couldn't go deeper. On occasion I would find fear, yet never went further with it, as if my fear kept me from looking at the fear.

Only recently have I managed to look at it more clearly. I noticed how I have become accustomed to accepting my thoughts as those of my true self. Over time this became concrete, fixed, and firm, as truly being me. I've dug enough to realize that the fear was actually a fear of letting go of this false self, which I had regarded as my identity, the real me.

I am relieved to have reached this understanding. In the past I haven't been determined enough to push myself, and, though I kept trying, I never really got very far. I could never walk away from cultivation, yet, because I have been stagnating at this level, I haven't elevated very much.

At one point I went through some difficult times. In my mind I took them way too hard. My attachments dictated my feelings of unfairness as I continued to complain and dropped down. Because I failed to enlighten to what I needed to in the midst of that tribulation, I perhaps made things worse for myself. Yet Master has been extremely patient with me, and I've come to understand that the tribulation was something I needed to go through.

I know it will take a little time and hard work, yet I feel that I now have more determination to make breakthroughs. The fear still exists, as the horrible uncultivated particles that I uncover are a bit unnerving, yet I realize they must be confronted. Only this way will I create a solid foundation and truly become my true self.

I've also realized that I give up too easily, and I now understand more deeply that cultivation and improvement is a step by step process, and one makes solid improvements gradually, going further each time.

Master said in Zhuan Falun:

“You should be strict with yourself, though we allow you to improve gradually. If you could do it all at once today, you would be a Buddha today. Thus, it is not realistic. You will be able to achieve this gradually.

“What we lose is actually something bad. What is it? It is karma, and it goes hand in hand with different human attachments. For example, everyday people have all kinds of bad thoughts. For self-interest, they commit various wrong deeds and will acquire this black substance, karma. This directly involves our own minds. In order to eliminate this negative thing, you must first change your mind.”

I understand now that uncovering the negative things within myself is actually a good thing and that I should no longer be deterred by them. I created them over the course of history, yet they are not part of my true self. I do not acknowledge them as me. And if these beings want to survive, they can be rectified or be removed, yet they will not halt my upward direction any longer.