The Painful Experience of Finding Loopholes in My Cultivation
(Minghui.org) I was interfered with by symptoms of "sickness karma” for many years. My private parts were often unbearably itchy, so I could not resist scratching. During the day when I was fully conscious, I would try to endure it. At night after falling asleep, I would scratch without realizing what I was doing. It was very painful.
In the beginning I thought it was interference. So I sent forth righteous thoughts to eliminate the persecution which the evil had forced on my body. I denied the old forces’ arrangements and followed Master's arrangements. I did this for some time, but the symptoms did not diminish. After reading articles published on the Minghui website about "benevolent resolutions," I tried to communicate with root cause factors of the “sickness karma” and use benevolence to resolve the problem. But after a while, this did not work either.
After studying the Fa I enlightened that I cannot copy what others do. Fellow practitioners solve their problems based on their understanding of the Fa at their levels. I am not on the same level as other practitioners, so it does not help me if I copy their solutions to solve my problems. Everyone needs to walk her/his own path. I have to solve my problem based on my understanding of the Fa.
"From the day that a Dafa disciple takes up cultivation his whole life is rearranged. In other words, this life of yours is now the life of a cultivator. Nothing is by chance anymore, and nothing will happen just by chance. Everything on your life's journey is directly related to your improvement and cultivation.”
“Thus, once the cultivation path of a Dafa disciple has been arranged, basically nobody can just rashly change it, and no one--good or bad--can do anything to you. Even when someone wants to give you something special and good, he isn't able to add it in. And if someone wants to give you something special that was not part of what you originally had in your cultivation, or if someone wants to go overboard persecuting you, they won't be able to. Exceptions only come about when you, yourself, do poorly." (“Teaching the Fa in the City of Los Angeles”)
After studying the Fa I realized that nothing is by chance. I must not be doing something well and this was causing the problem. I needed to look inward to find my loopholes to pass this tribulation and improve holistically.
I asked myself: Where are my loopholes? On the surface it appeared this was related to an attachment of lust. But I had treated myself with dignity and refused to be contaminated by bad influences. After practicing Dafa I gradually gave up any attachment to sexual activity (my husband does not practice). But since this matter was still interfering with me, I still must have a problem. When I calmed down, I searched my actions and thoughts regarding men, starting from childhood. I discovered that I enjoyed showing off my intelligence in front of men to get their attention. Because of being brainwashed by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) for so long, some poisonous thoughts still popped up in my mind. I might pay attention to a handsome man on the street, or have some imaginings seeing a couple kiss. In fact, this was when my attachment to lust exposed itself the most.
Finding this dirt deep in my mind, I sent out powerful thoughts to completely eradicate all the notions that I'd accumulated after being born. I corrected my behavior and thoughts in accordance with the requirements of Dafa. Meanwhile, I continued to look inwards and found attachments of jealousy, competitiveness, showing off, complacency, resentment, vanity, ambition, seeking comfort, and many others. I sent out righteous thoughts to eradicate all of them, although sometimes they emerged again.
I thought I had already looked inwards thoroughly. But the symptoms did not diminish. I really did not know what to do, so I asked Master to help me. Then I had a dream. In the dream I seemed to be in a nightclub on stage, wearing revealing clothes and displaying suggestive postures. The lights were dim. There were many males in the audience. Some were yelling, some were laughing, some showed strange, fierce and satyr-like expressions. I hated the audience, but I still performed on stage.
When I awoke, I thought about it carefully. What was this dream telling me? Was it telling me that I had a similar experience in a past life—perhaps even several past lives? Maybe it was from another life force, or perhaps there were other reasons. What good things could I possibly do in that dark, dirty, immoral place? I did not remember any past lives, but I knew the karma I made in my past lives had to be paid back. After I endured my problem for a while, I thought it would be okay and the karmic debt would be settled. So I did not continue to search, and waited for a turnaround.
After a while, I thought it was not right to endure this and just passively wait for things to end. But I could not understand why this did not end. Then I read an article on Minghui titled “Wearing Degenerate Clothing.” I was shocked and realized that I had committed great sins.
I had worked in the underwear industry for many years and retired two years ago. I was responsible for product promotion. In order to make the company's products competitive, I needed to keep up with so-called trends. So I required the product designs to focus on "exposing, shaping, being transparent." On product promotions I emphasized "pushing up the breasts, sucking in the stomach, lifting up hips" – in effect, making bodily curves a sign of beauty.
For a long time I had brainwashed employees with deviated thoughts using my product expertise. I continually emitted toxins into society with various product promotions. An ordinary person would consider me to be a successful career woman. I thought my efforts had been recognized by society. In fact, I was controlled by the attachment of lust, and used degenerate standards of beauty to produce degenerate products and harm society. Actually, modern “trends” just stir up trouble by luring people into lust, and I did not realize this. Now I am aware of my great sin and I cannot shirk my responsibility in the deterioration of moral standards.
I was very focused on beauty that emphasized my womanly curves. I liked to wear tight-fitting underwear and jackets. I felt good about myself, never realizing that I was controlled by lust, and was emitting poison everywhere. When you want to show off a nice body with tight clothing, isn't this exposing your lust? What is the difference between this and wearing revealing clothing in a dream? The hint in the dream made me aware of the karma I had made in past lives. In fact, it also hinted at the problem I now had.
When I understood this clearly, I felt ashamed of myself. I asked for Master's blessing, and sent forth righteous thoughts to get rid of the attachment of showing off and to destroy the attachment of lust. When I realized the harm of wearing degenerate underwear, I was determined to change myself.
I no longer wear this kind of underwear or tight-fitting jackets. I choose loose clothing that doesn’t show the curves of my body. I choose neutral colors so as not to attract attention and not stir up anyone’s lust.
At this time, I still have this itching problem in my lower body, but this does not concern me for I consider it a good thing. It will remind me to continually look inwards, and help me to change a fundamental notion. Looking inwards is painful, but I realize this is the process of cultivation. I know cultivation is not only to purify myself, but also to purify society. My problem can pollute society and have a negative impact. I want to study the Fa more, use Fa principles to correct myself, and continually purify myself. I will cherish this opportunity, help Master with Fa-rectification, and save sentient beings.