Recognizing My Attachments after Looking Inward to Resolve My Son's Problem
(Minghui.org) My son is a Falun Dafa practitioner. It has been more than two years since he was admitted to a graduate school in the US. He returned to China during his summer vacation last year, and we shared our cultivation experiences with each other. He said he did not practice diligently last year. He did not study the Fa much and hardly did the exercises, as he was under a lot of academic pressure. He only participated in several large-scale activities in New York. He didn’t sell Shen Yun tickets and just left flyers on vehicles. We realized that this was due to his attachments to selfishness and fear. He was afraid that he would be negatively affected on his return to China if he participated openly in Falun Dafa activities. He said that he felt very guilty.
My fellow practitioners and I also thought that his behavior and speech were not in line with the Fa. We studied the Fa together for half a day, so that he could catch up with Master’s Fa-rectification process. After he returned to the United States, he decided to attend the Falun Dafa Experience Sharing Conference in New York.
After he returned to New York, however, he called me, saying that he could not attend the conference. Apparently, attendees must have participated in Dafa activities over the previous six months. I told him to go with the flow and maybe not attend the conference at this time. A few days later, he called again and seemed rather agitated. He said that he had quarreled with a practitioner and left the group study in anger. Apparently, the other practitioner had told him in front of others that he didn't appear to be a good person and that he suspected that he was a spy. I asked him to calm down. In any case, he should not leave the group cultivation environment. He got very angry. He said, “They said I was not good and I was a spy. Now you also say that I was in the wrong and I should go back to the group study. I can't do it," and hung up the phone.
When my son called again, he said that the boss at his temporary job was a practitioner. He sounded very excited because he had met a fellow practitioner. I was very happy, too. I told my son it was all arranged by Master, and my son agreed. I encouraged him to do well in the future.
But he called again a week later and seemed disappointed. I asked him what had happened. He sighed and said, "I feel very bad and will tell you when I get home."
I was very worried about his situation and state of mind. A fellow practitioner then suggested that I was in great part responsible for my son’s problem. I asked myself, "Was I really responsible for him?" I calmed down and looked within and came to the conclusion that I bore direct responsibility in this matter. After 2004, my son came home for one and a half days every week. He had a tight schedule and I had lots of free time. At the time, I asked him to do lots of chores, so that I'd have more time to study and recite the Fa. Now, I realized that I truly was so selfish. In addition, I looked at doing things as being cultivation practice.
At the time, my son spent lots of time on his studies. During his spare time, I asked him to do chores for me, so he didn’t have much time to study the Fa. This was a result of my selfishness.
In order to help my son rejoin the Fa study group and be part of a group study environment, I wrote a letter to other practitioners and I asked my son to forward it to them. This irritated him. I looked inward again and asked myself if I had such problems myself.
I finally realized that I was in the same state as my son. I couldn't bear criticism from fellow practitioners. Once I went to a fellow practitioner’s home. She pointed out many of my shortcomings. I didn’t say anything at that time and pretended to accept her criticism. But I could not control my anger after I left her home. It was raining at that time. I ran in the rain to release my anger. I never looked inward or cultivated myself. Instead, I hid this attachment.
Once I gave a ride to a fellow practitioner. I recited the Fa to her. She said, "You can recite the Fa very well, but you are not doing well in your cultivation, so what’s the use of reciting the Fa?" I felt so uncomfortable hearing this. I didn’t look inward. Instead, I felt depressed and stopped reciting the Fa for several months. I was so surprised when I recalled this. I could not believe that I was so irrational and unclear after being made aware of my problem. My behavior was so similar to my son’s current state and even worse than his.
I also realized that I had been influenced by my son’s problem and didn't feel like doing the three things sometimes. I understood I was being interfered with by sentimentality, my attachment to my son. In addition, my son’s problem was also caused by another attachment. I thought I didn’t have to worry about my son’s safety after he was in the US. I realized this was selfishness and the attachment to comfort.
My mind is clear now, after looking within. I realized that I was not earnestly cultivating.