Discovering My Egotism and Selfishness

(Minghui.org) Once after group Fa-study, practitioner A and I shared together, and I talked about some understandings I had gained from the Fa. Practitioner A, in her 60s, smiled and said, "You are often able to gain understandings from the Fa. I'm different from you-- I am very simple and just follow what Master has taught us to do.” After she left, I pondered on her seemingly simple few words. I saw her good qualities and found shortcomings in my cultivation. I found egotism and selfishness.

Practitioner A’s home is far away from our group Fa-study location. She spends almost the same amount of time traveling to Fa-study as she spends at the Fa-study. Regardless of the seasons, she insists on going and is never late. The northern winter is cold; sometimes she is out in the cold weather for a long time while waiting for the bus. It is really hard for her. Practitioner A is not good at talking and very quietly does the three things and solidly cultivates herself. On the surface, it seems easy to attend Fa-study, but her starting point involves giving up her self and harmonizing the one body, which is what Master requests of us. In comparing myself to this practitioner, I ask: Could I do that? I would probably first think of my own loss or gain. I might think about the time factor-- that I could study at least three lectures in the time it takes to travel to and from the Fa-study and the fact that we only study one lecture at the Fa-study. Moreover, I attend two other Fa-study groups regularly. In comparison with this practitioner, who gives up herself and harmonizes what Master requests of us, I have more selfishishness, thinking of my own gain and loss while doing things.

Master told us,

“Study the Fa and gain the Fa,
Focus on how you study and cultivate,
Let each and every thing
be measured against the Fa.
Only then, with that,
is it actually cultivation.”
(“Solid Cultivation” in Hong Yin)

I understand that if we cannot study the Fa with a clam mind, if we pursue the quantity of study, and if we do not cultivate ourselves, then we are not solidly cultivating. I have been feeling very tired, as if things are so difficult, and as if I am afraid of dropping in level while sleeping. The root cause is because I am surrounded by selfishness.

Master said,

“Some people even envy this person! I am telling you not to envy him. You do not know what a tiring life he leads: He cannot eat or sleep well; he fears losing self-interest even in dreams, and he will go all out for personal gain. Wouldn’t you say that he leads a tiring life, as his entire life is dedicated to that?... It is said in the community of cultivators: 'Such a person is completely lost. He is totally lost among everyday people over material benefits.'” (Zhuan Falun)
This passage of the Fa pointed out my shortcomings. In the past, each time I studied this paragraph, I thought it referred to ordinary people and that they were leading tiring lives! But now I understand that Master is using this to enlighten me. Ordinary people might be attached to the things in this dimension, but I am being attached to things in cultivation.

While writing, I am reminded of something that happened two years ago. A coordinator asked me to drive to a practitioner’s home to bring something to her. When I finished, it was after 5:00 p.m. I thought, "Fortunately, I have enough time to take the coordinator home and get home in time to send forth righteous thoughts." But then the coordinator asked me to take her to another practitioner’s home, which was a little farther away. I was unfamiliar with the road and encountered rush hour traffic. My first thought was, "Wow, what time will I arrive home? If you delay your things, that's fine, but why delay two people? Ordinary people can do this for you, so why waste a practitioner’s time? You can take a taxi. Why don't you think about how I have worked all day and that I would like to study the Fa now that I have time?" I knew the coordinator’s finances were tight; so I took out one hundred yuan and said to her, “Take a taxi.” I covered up my thoughts by saying that I was unfamiliar with the road and that if I took her there, I might be unable to find my way home. The coordinator ended up taking a bus and gave the money to the truth-clarification materials production site.

At the time I thought there was nothing wrong with me, and that this practitioner was not very thoughtful in considering things. But now I have a different understanding. From my current cultivation level, I realize that cultivators should not weigh things as to whether they are right or wrong on the surface. This is an ordinary way of thinking. We should look to see if our thoughts are righteous or ordinary, what is our basis for doing things, and if our thought is for others or for ourselves. If our basis is not right, even if we study a lot of Fa and do a lot of things to help Master validate the Fa, we will not improve.

Through focusing on how I study and cultivate and by looking within, I discovered egotism and selfishness. In addition, I have also found that I am not humble and have the attachments of competitiveness, showing off, being self-affirming, fighting, and so on. I will eliminate these attachments as I cultivate.

The above is my current understanding. If anything is incorrect, please kindly point it out.