(Minghui.org) After the Chinese New Year, I experienced abnormalities similar to symptoms of menopause. I am 57 years old and often break out in a sweat while asleep at night. During the day, I'm irritable and not as fit as before. I knew these were delusions and sent righteous thoughts to eliminate them, but things did not seem to improve.
I looked within myself and did not find any major fault. Instead I was pleased with myself because many practitioners around me were busy with new year preparations and could not cope with doing the three things. Yet I was busy during the day and doing the three things non-stop. However, I did see that I recently had become attached to doing things and that my mind was not calm when I studied the Fa or sent righteous thoughts.
Something was wrong, but I did not enlighten to it. Instead I thought I was rather diligent in my cultivation. In the past few days, my physical condition deteriorated, and I did not sleep well at night. During the day, I became annoyed for no reason and got into a conflict with practitioners over a small matter. I knew that, having practiced cultivation for 15 to16 years, my current state of mind was incorrect. I really wanted to improve myself, but I kept feeling as if something was blocking my progress. My heart was very heavy. I calmed down, spent more time on Fa study, then looked within myself again and found many attachments. However, I had not found the root of the problem.
Some time ago, a practitioner wanted to sell her house. She was alone, and I was afraid she would be cheated. Therefore I called her second elder brother who was my classmate in high school. (He is not a practitioner.) I asked him to help his younger sister, and he agreed. Unexpectedly, this practitioner came to see me yesterday and accused me of bad-mouthing her in front of her brother. I was upset and argued with her. A fellow practitioner kindly pointed out my irritable nature. Another practitioner consoled me by saying: “Perhaps she was too busy and tired. Hence she misunderstood your intentions.” On the surface, it seemed that I did not do anything wrong. Yet I felt that something was amiss.
When I got home, I told myself I should truly calm down and dig deep into the root of my attachment. Where have I gone wrong? Why am I so busy every day? Is this really a sign of my diligence? All of a sudden, I remembered Master's words in “Lecture Two” in Zhuan Falun:
“In order to save one’s reputation, what’s on one’s mind while treating illness? 'Please let me have this illness so that the patient can be healed.' That is not out of compassion, as one’s attachments to fame and self-interest have not been given up at all. This person is unable to develop this compassion one bit... He thinks that he has cured an illness. When others call him a qigong master, he will become delighted and very pleased. Isn’t that an attachment? When he cannot cure an illness, he drops his head and feels fizzled out. Isn’t it caused by his attachment to fame and personal gain?”
Under Master's compassionate guidance, my mind gradually became clearer. For a long time, I was busy helping other practitioners resolve their problems and wasted a lot time that could have been spent on clarifying the truth and saving people. It seemed that I was someone who loved to help others. However, digging deep into my thoughts, I discovered these shocking attachments which were exposed by the conversation below:
Practitioner: “Where have you been? I'm been looking everywhere for you.”
Me: “I've been very busy.”
Practitioner: “See how diligent you are.”
Me: (I'm feeling pleased with myself.)
Practitioner: “Thank you very much for buying these for me.”
Me: (My heart swells with happiness.)
Practitioner: “I would like to trouble you to do something for me.”
Me: “I'm busy and don't have the time. Can you ask someone else to help you?”
Practitioner: “Others are not capable of doing this; only you can do this.”
I was already feeling exhausted, but hearing these words, I brightened up and said, “All right...”. Isn't this vanity? Digging further, I discovered that after often hearing compliments, I slowly became conceited. I liked to show off; I validated myself and afterwards developed attachments. Aren't these attachments arising from a strong pursuit of fame? Further more, I could no longer accept criticism from others.
It is no wonder that recently several practitioners, that I often helped in the past, did not compliment me for the things I did for them. Instead they had many grievances against me. And because I had not gotten rid of the attachment to fame, I of course could not be truly compassionate. When I did not cultivate myself according to the requirements of the Fa, it was very easy to attract unnecessary trouble. Furthermore, my vanity impeded my effectiveness in clarifying the truth to people, especially strangers, face to face.
It is also because of these various human attachments that frequent conflicts occurred between myself and practitioners who were coordinators of truth clarifying projects. As a result, these projects which were started to save people could not progress smoothly. This pursuit of fame has been a huge obstacle to our path of progress. I'm sharing my experience so that it will be exposed and have no room for existence in our dimension. I hope that other practitioners who are like me will take heed from my experience and avoid making the same mistakes.
Due to limitations in my cultivation level, please kindly point out if there is anything inappropriate.
Category: Improving Oneself
